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September 5th, 2008
It is so obvious, that, when we are informed by the press, that a football club manager still has his job, what they really mean is, he will be on the golf course next week, without a care in the world. It is as blatant as, the hackneyed “vote of confidence” call, which translates, “could you go to your office now with a cardboard box”.
I am not doing a blog today; I just didn’t want my last blog to look too out of date, so soon. It would be really funny if Newcastle went on to win the league. Anyway, to read what I really think should happen (sarcasm is so difficult to convey in print form, isn’t it?) and also a real solution to the whole debacle, read: http://www.donmoses.co.uk/blog/2008/09/03/keegan-has-not-been-sacked/
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September 3rd, 2008
Only in the North East could someone keeping their job, be deemed the most important thing to happen that day. But this is Newcastle where football is everything, and, believe it or not, that was the headline this morning. To get that size of headline on the front page our Olympic team had to win a bag full of medals.
This made me think, if we love our football so much, shouldn’t we follow the example of Team GB and join forces. We should have done this with our national football team a long time ago; think of all the Ryan Giggs’ years we wasted.
Keegan had the right idea years ago when he ran the Great North Run in a shirt made up of half Sunderland and half Newcastle strips. Yes, I am suggesting that, get over it. Look, every September (sometimes August) both sets of supporters realise that their teams appearing first on the national sports news is going to be limited to their off the field events only. Case in question, today’s headline.
So, let’s forget the parochial rivalry between Sunderland and Newcastle and join forces. Hating each other is ridiculous, and makes about as much sense as punching your neighbour because he lives quite close to you, but not actually in your house. No one would do that, ok, except Joey Barton, no one would do that.
So I say tear down the overgrown shopping trolley that is SJP, leave the stadium of light as a superior training ground (its’ got a nice new pool) and build a new stadium in between the two superpowers, probably Felling.
Anyway, that is my opinion; of course I could be wrong.
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August 23rd, 2008
Working and travelling around the UK to company event days and functions could be viewed as a lonely business. However, I am a private person; if you notice, there is not too much about my home life in these blogs. Anyway, I am often alone, yet, never lonely.
However, it is often a pleasant change to be surrounded by lots of people.
The other night at 3 a.m. we had about twelve people around at the very tidy flat. Food was unclingfilmed and prepared (oh yes, rock and roll). Most of the people I knew well, but some, I had just met that evening.
Trapped in the middle of the room perched on the coffee table, I felt strangely disconnected; unusual for me, as I am generally up beat. No music, no TV, yet still the noise increased. It was as if, I was the centre piece at a Greek wedding. Theatrical people can be, how can I put this, oh yes, theatrical, that is the word. Who was listening to whom? I couldn’t work out which voice to concentrate on, as everyone was talking. This is not possible is it? Finally, after what seemed a long time, Zeb (one of the photographers for the fringe) stood up and verbalised my exact thoughts with a very loud “This is, So, Not a conversation”. Everyone stopped momentarily, then, proceeded just as loud. Zeb, with the look of a frustrated supply teacher who was retiring, just shrugged and laughed.
It made a change I suppose, although, it was a bit like a noisy way of not having a conversation in a hotel lounge.
Can you tell it is close to the end of the festival. I am off on my travels this weekend, firstly, to Knutsford Cheshire, then Newcastle and finally home to my lovely wife.
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August 22nd, 2008
I guess that people in the athletics world were already aware of our new heroes of Team GB before the Olympics and even knew they would bring home the medals. The general public, however, had never heard of these hopefuls, until now. This is very similar to Edinburgh; the fringe is often described as a bubble.
Outside of Edinburgh no one cares, so my listing of names and describing shows will mean nothing to you. OK, some of you are entertainers and stand up comedians who would know, but, here, I have the chance to do a very easy blog, by linking to tinter net. So, like the lazy parent who pops in “Finding Nemo” for the hundredth time instead of reading to the morbidly obese three year old, here I go.
Did I see anyone famous this year (I saw Tom Hanks last year)? This year Kevin Spacey and Ray Winstone’s daughter (not together, I am not starting a “Hello” type rumour). Al Murray (pub landlord) made me laugh in the Pleasance Courtyard with his trilby and pint in each hand; Jimmy Carr also, very nice guy.
Shows I really liked: Daniel Kitson’s shows (his theatre show and his late night show with David O’Doherty and Andy Zaltsman).
Daniel Kitson is famous for being able to deal with anything e.g. once he had a blind man in the audience who called out “you can’t take the piss out of me, I’m blind”. Without missing a beat Daniel Kitson replied with “If you’re blind, isn’t it a bit selfish to be sat at the front, there are people with eyes who could have sat there, and you could’ve sat at the back”.
You can’t top that, speak to you tomorrow.
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August 20th, 2008
After beautiful weather in the South of England, I returned to the very fine rain of Princes Street. It is a teasing type of rain; it is the type of rain which can make you indecisive about brolly sales. I did know an umbrella would keep me dry, but, I would have to carry it about all day, and was it really wet enough to spend £9.99 on a cheap one, with Scotland written all over it? Being a Geordie, I felt buying a red umbrella, in slight dampness, would make my friends think I had had a sexual preference shift. I decided not to buy.
I made my way to our flat on Guthrie Street in the heart of the old town. It is the same flat as last year, yet you would never believe it; it is just so tidy this year. It is a great location for all the venues, however, it does have a downside. It is just up from Cowgate. Cowgate is the road which leads out of the grass market and has the seediest bars I have ever seen. These pubs make the bar in Star Wars look like the Ritz. And they are all open until 5 a.m. in the morning. Surely, no one needs a drink at that time of the day, maybe a postman on his way to work. Read this blog if you are wondering if there is any harm in drinking until this time in the morning.
The other morning at 5:30 I could hear two drunks shouting at each other from opposing sides of the road. It was as if the road was a river and if they could both just cross they could manifest their verbalised insults about cutting new bottom holes on each other etc. (I cleaned that one up). The grey granite walls and alleyways of the old town redirected the sound right to my bedroom window. It was as if Billy Connolly was sitting at the bottom of my bed performing his two drunks swearing routine. Typical of Edinburgh there is always a show on somewhere during the festival.
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August 16th, 2008
Well, you will be pleased to know, “The Apprentice Show” was well received last night. It was perfectly set up, and pitched at the right level for an awards dinner (and naturally, involved absolutely brilliant audio visual technology. You wouldn’t expect anything less from this company, would you?). Oh yes, I know how to play the corporate game.
It was a relief, as I had to follow the awards’ ceremony, which had left everyone in a great party mood. In fact, it reminded me of the best type of Christmas party (you know the sort, lots of laughter, yet no one crying on the stairs, type), which also made me think about, how really busy December will be this year.
I have taken bookings (mainly for London) since March, for Christmas this year; these are the really organised people obviously. Understandably, August is never the month to think about Christmas parties. For example, today everyone has a sun tan here in the South of England (look, anything south of Darlington is the South of England, right?); and the football season is just about to start, so no one is thinking about Christmas. In fact, last night I booked into the fantastic forest pines hotel http://www.qhotels.co.uk/hotels/forest-pines-near-brigg-north-lincolnshire just ahead of the Fulham Football team who are playing newly promoted and probably soon to be relegated Hull City (supporting a yo-yo club http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yo-yo_club makes you cynical doesn’t it).
It is interesting, that this year I have received more bookings for my after dinner act at company Christmas parties than I have for my close up magician duties. This is reassuring, as the bookings are all from word of mouth referrals. I am starting to realise why so many companies are wishing to hire an after dinner comedian. My guess is that, television programmes such as “Mock the Week”, “8 out of 10 cats” and this new digital channel Dave (which seems to showcase TV comedians live at the Apollo), is whetting this appetite for live stand up comedy as after dinner stage entertainment. So, I am thinking, it is more to do with the power of TV, rather than the turning the corner of the recession. Still, as long as it turns in to a booking, ehh?
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August 14th, 2008
Corporate heaven, corporate hell
I am leaving Edinburgh today (I will be back after the weekend) to travel to a number of gigs, the first of which is in North Lincolnshire (The Midland areas are often chosen for their central locations for nationwide company dinners and awards). In Lincoln, I will be performing for a National A.V. company’s awards dinner http://www.universal-live.com . The directors of the company are also staging the awards on the theme of the TV programme “The Apprentice”.
Anyway, back to the reviews, last night I saw Rhod Gilbert; very good show. Some of Rhod’s act outs were bordering on Basil Fawlty at his best. He seems to be even more manic this year than he was a few years ago in this clip.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGAD1uTR1SY
In Rhod’s show he mentions how he hates performing at corporate gigs, and his show leads on from there. I assume he meant the award ceremonies at corporate functions can be very similar, and obviously he uses exaggeration to enhance his comedy story.
I, myself, love the corporate gig. I agree with Rhod, there is more work to do. However, with the internet, information about the companies is really easy to find. So with that extra homework done, the performer can make the whole act look spontaneous; this can lead to memorable gigs. Still, I am a bit undecided about the Apprentice part of the show. I assume the contestants will be based on how they perform on the activities part of the day and not actually be fired. I will look out for black taxis waiting outside.
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August 11th, 2008
Ok, enough with the diet tips; let’s face it; I am no more qualified than Doctor Gillian Mckeith, being as, I have a University education, a modicum of common sense and a sanctimonious nature. I wonder if Mckeith is a real doctor or is she just going through the motions ( III TTHHank you ). Crap joke (no, please stop me).
So, still up at the festival and enjoying the nonsense of it all. There seem to be a lot of scary ghost type figures walking the streets this year. Climbing the many steep narrow stairways in the labyrinth that is the old town late at night, it can be quite frightening to turn a corner and see such a sight. However, their pasty white faces are not quite as spooky during the day when one of them stops to answer his mobile on the Royal Mile. I am not even sure if the one I saw was actually in a show or just on a stag night.
Anyway, back to reviews. I was recently performing at a corporate function in London and afterwards I went on to see the highly praised (Geordie comedian) Sarah Millican doing a 30 minute set at a small comedy club in preparation for this year’s fringe. It was great to see how much Sarah had improved; this actually means something as she was probably one of the best “open mikers” I have ever seen. I have yet to see Sarah’s show at this year’s festival but I do know it is getting some great reviews and I am sure she will easily win the best newcomer award this year. I have been on the panel of judges for the awards and I know what they are looking for, and Sarah will tick all the boxes.
Sarah got into comedy after the sad loss of her marriage. Wallowing would have been pointless, yet wallowing and talking about it to a group of strangers proved to be just the ticket. This begs the question what are valid topics (in this case targets) for comedy. The answer of course is anything and everything. Sarah talking about her divorce is the equivalent of Chris Rock having a go at us white people. So, is it years of oppression overturned or just the flip side to Jim Davidson’s dig at his wives and chalky white. You decide, all I know is you should travel up to Edinburgh now and book a ticket for Sarah Millican’s not nice http://www.sarahmillican.co.uk .
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August 8th, 2008
Never miss a meal.
If you keep missing meals your ”God made, on board computer” will think it is never going to see food again, and your body will go into starvation mode i.e. it will slow down your metabolism and so retain your fat reserves.
Small and often meals will trick the body into thinking food is always available and so avoid this perceived scarcity problem.
On this theme, it is best not to see too many shows at The Fringe in one go. You can’t give a culunary review on food if you are already full, likewise, it is hard to judge if a show is any good if you are comedied out. Magic shows also fit in to this analogy, and so I have seen the magic shows I have reviewed on different days. Here are my findings on the best magic shows at this year’s festival.
“Expert at the card table” Guy Hollingsworth
I love watching shows where I am comfortable with the performer on stage. It is a bit like when they get the right James Bond for the films, and everyone goes “oh that was a good choice”.
The reason I mention this is because I have just reviewed “Expert at the card table” by the stylish and gentlemanly Guy Hollingsworth. If anyone was suited to that type of show it was Guy. Top marks.
Talking of being suited for a roll on stage, Pete Firman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKiUkKkpo3A has another great show this year.
Other shows worthy of a mention and a visit are Ali Cook and Barry and Stuart.
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August 3rd, 2008
First rule of Diet Club is….. No Bread; I lost 3 pounds in one week (fact).
I’ll be honest with you, I am covering the Edinburgh Festival for a number of publications, and so the mention of diet tips in the title is really just to pull in a larger audience. Gotcha.
However, having said, that I am infact working on getting in shape. I have a number of after dinner performances coming up in the next few weeks and I don’t want to look a porker.
I have been at the festival for four nights now, and apart from the late nights all is going well. It helps that my colleagues and friends are not big drinkers; which leads me on to diet tip number two - beer equals extra poundage. Yes I do know it is just common sense.
I have just thought, to give the title some credibility, I suppose I could give diet advice every day and keep you informed of my progress on following my very own tips. So watch out for more diet tips tomorrow, unless, of course, you don’t want perfect abs.
Anyway, these (links below) are the sort of comedy performances you are missing by not coming to the festival. The internet is brilliant isn’t it. Yes, by merely clicking on the links which follow you can experience the best of the festival in your virtual world (although, it is best to leave the house occasionally, well at least play Wii tennis with the patio doors open). Here are the clips hope you enjoy them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbUqhxPGFXY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_8oaimyDpo
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July 8th, 2008
Beijing got talent
For the last two years I have been trying out new material for my act. I had the decency to do this professional evolving on new material evenings. You may remember, a new material evening is where the audience is informed by the compere, that the comedians they are about to see, are experimenting (i.e. Trying out new bits - yes, of course, sometimes comedians do panic and revert to the strongest parts of their set, but that is another issue). See my media page video clip for an example of a new material evening .
I say decency, because it is rare for me to actually try out new stuff while performing my after dinner entertainment set. Having said that, “riffing” with the audience at a corporate gig can lead to some great moments (I always intend to write these bits into my act, however, on the drive home I promptly forget them - damn that Barbara Streisand CD).
New material evenings are a great laugh; sometimes, as I am sure you can imagine, they are a laugh for the wrong reasons, as in, it can all go “tits up”. Anyway, on such evenings, you may occasionally see a comedian who takes a subject which is so obvious, and yet, he is able to make it work so well. One such comedian Carl Hutchinson (he is up and coming, so watch out for him) does a bit about the TV programme X Factor and it’s associated sob stories which shamelessly tear jerk the TV audience into the shows week after week. Carl’s “act outs” (set to music) are hilarious and priceless.
This made me think, as we approach the Olympics, I am certain the BBC will be working on their athlete back stories, to emotionally pull us in. All the sentimental clips will come out; the hardships, the battles against illness, the taking two jobs just to afford the steroids, that kind of thing. But, I know what you are thinking, do we have to know? Surely, a gold medal in the hop, skip and jump is proof we are the best country in the world. Isn’t it enough, our guy can throw the long stick further than the German? And surely, it is a group thing anyway; the Olympics is all about the coming together of all the countries in the world . We are united for a month; no space aliens would dare to take on earth this August.
Years ago, Roger Bannister’s parents could actually have been bannisters, we would never have known. Nowadays, we have to know everything, and we will not be cheering you on, unless you have a heart breaking story to tell. So if you are an athlete and all you have is a troublesome Verruca story, now, would be a good time organise a spin doctor or PR guru (although I think Max Clifford maybe busy with Duane Chambers at the moment).
I mean, does the Olympics have to be this “dumbed down”, greeting card fest, can’t we just watch the Olympics for what it is - one long sports day. Although to be fair, the last time I tried to watch a sports day I ended up behind the gym block with a 13 year old girl (oh, relax, I was a 13 year old boy at the time).
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July 6th, 2008
Recently, I saw that a theatre show, called “The show must go on” had been cancelled; now, that is irony.
It made me think about a story I had heard about Larry David. Larry David is, of course, the co-writer of the hugely successful Seinfeld series and also a comedy actor in his own right (and in his own show “Curb Your Enthusiasm”). Long before his successes he was like many other stand-up comedians, travelling the country playing to comedy club audiences, who were either drunk or very drunk.
Apparently, one night he was booked to perform at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. The compere announced his name and Larry walked on stage, stood for a short time without saying anything and looked at the audience. After this uncomfortable silence Larry simply said,“No, I don’t think so” and walked off the stage without delivering his set.
I don’t think I can admire that kind of behaviour, but, the thought of a comedian refusing to entertain an audience did make me laugh. The only explanation could have been that he did not like the look of the audience, because, as a rule, all comedians want to do their set, if only to get paid.
I suppose, the best thing about the job of a comedian is travelling around making a room full of total strangers laugh. Yet, if you told this fact to most people, they would say, that must be the worst thing about the job, surely? But, audiences are not just strangers to the performer, they are also strangers to each other and very rarely do the “lunatics unite” to sabotage a gig. Audiences contain mostly good people and a few bad, just like a cross section of life (unless you read the Daily Mail).
So, I worry less about audiences and more about the layout of the room. Comedy club promoters, as a rule, have given a lot of thought to the conditions required; spotlights, good sight lines, excellent sound systems all enhance the gig greatly. However, operatives at conferences in hotels are generally inexperienced at what works well for comedy. Some rooms are so wrong you instinctively know you will have to be working like crazy to pull off the gig.
The other night the conditions were so bad, it was like a checklist of all the warning signals:-
-200 guests on a wooden floor with metal based chairs (think school class room with 200 children shuffling about).
-Massive table decorations causing bad sight lines, bad stage lighting.
-A microphone so bad that the audience just guessed when the comedian / compere was delivering his punch-lines (they gave him this respect because he had been on TV).
So, is it ever right to refuse a show because of the room? The answer is obviously, no. I am not travelling hundreds of miles not to get paid.
They say that performing is like a drug, in that you have to keep going. No wonder the “Just Say No” campaign didn’t work.
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July 2nd, 2008
In the movie “Annie Hall”, Woody Allen has a flirtatious conversation with Diane Keaton. While this is happening in the film, the real meaning of their conversation is played out in subtitles across the bottom of the screen. The scene works because there is always this subtext to life, nothing is as it seems; we all have hidden thoughts and agendas.
Annie Hall was made in 1977 and the subtitles are still funny, but, in a way they seem very tame by today’s standards. It is frightening to think of how time has moved on, and how thoughts of, what is considered acceptable, have changed. Now people can actually verbalise their real thoughts, just for the hell of it; bad language the lot – no one seems to be offended. Maybe it started later that decade with Basil Fawlty and has now finally peaked with Jonathon Ross saying to Gwyneth Paltrow, on his TV programme, that “He would definitely shag her”.
The reason I mention this is that, one of the things I like about my job is the opportunity to meet with very nice people. These people, as a rule, have the decency to behave tactfully and not to say the first thing that comes into their heads. I reciprocate these social rules. So, if I am performing close up magic at a function, I will not barge in with my own self important intro. Instead I respect the group dynamics (listen to me, group dynamics, please! kick me in now).
Anyway, instead of introducing myself by my job title, sometimes, I will start up a conversation (like a real human) in a “non-magicy” way. I am never patronising, and may start with a genuine compliment. For example, I may say “that is a great dress”. I say this because: a) I like the dress and b) it is specific, and, I like to think it is non-threatening (I always wear my wedding ring when performing).
Now the usual reply to this is, “Thank you” or sometimes a thank you followed by a self deprecating “Primark’s best” or some other kind of “oh, this old thing” banter.
So, I was quite surprised when I said to a very attractive lady that I loved her dress. She was a stunning lady who was using all of her “stunningess”. I think what I am trying to say is, you don’t see many old non-wealthy men with such women. Without missing a beat, she looked down to her chest area and said “I have had them done, you know”. Only in the North of England could my subliminal subtitles be dragged out in public. I must have noticed the gravity defying properties of her lady bumps and quickly filtered out a socially acceptable compliment to endorse my approval. People in the North are so open; there is the North South divide right there.
But really, it is frightening to think where this will go in the future. Allowing for current trends, will I be allowed to “ice break” my way into a group of people with the opening line:-
“Wow, lady, have you had them done? Because I am sure you will agree with me gentlemen, they are spectacular!”
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June 22nd, 2008
I was away for quite a bit of June, however, I returned to the North East to meet up with Sir Bobby Robson at the Moneygate Annual function in Durham.
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May 4th, 2008
On stage as compere interviewing Sunderland and Middlesbrough players. Here I am doing the questions and answers part of the evening with top man Niall Quinn.
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April 2nd, 2008
Where do thoughts come from? I mean why do I think, “God, I hope I don’t say to this lady, that is an ugly baby” or, when I am in church, why do I think “I hope I don’t shout out I object”? Where do such thoughts come from?
How can I remember the Sunderland promotion winning team from the 1960’s – (it was Montgomery, Irwin, Ashurst, Harvey, Hurley, McNab, Usher, Herd, Sharkey, Crossan and Mulhall, if you are interested) and yet ironically, when the song “Memories” comes on the radio I can’t remember the second line of the lyrics.
As I mentioned in a recent blog, the brain has its’ own agenda on what it cares to remember, and what it will drip feed back to you immediately you put the phone down on a call that required an immediate answer.
Listing that Sunderland team, strangely enough, has brought back memories of how quite appalling, yet incredibly exciting, the football terraces were in the 1960’s. As a youngster I would have to get to the ground two hours before kick off to get prime spot. Prime spot was, of course, just in front of the crash barrier, half way up the Roker End (never behind the crash barrier, unless you were the undisputed “pile on” champion of the world).
I also had to arrive completely dehydrated, as once 52,000 people had filled the ground, the chances of toilet visits and safe returns were patchy (not the only thing patchy). Some fans, who hadn’t planned as well as me, also avoided the toilet visit by rolling up a newspaper and using it as a personal funnel; yes, not the best day for your new suede Hush Puppies. I was ok in the early days, as I was standing on a cracket *, I am not sure my dad was as lucky with “the rivers of wee” (a lesser known speech by Enoch Powell).
I was hooked on live football those days. I couldn’t get enough. As soon as I was at the correct height for my cracket to allow me a clear view, I was starting to go to games with my friends. We even went to away games (not Leeds or Millwall we weren’t mental). We used to get lifts to away games from people we didn’t even know. There was no cosseted parental behaviour in those days; we even had to ask them if they had any sweets. They were innocent times, no puppies to see, we were off to the match.
My last full year of watching Sunderland was 1973. I have been back, but never as regularly as that Cup winning year. You wouldn’t have read this blog to this point if you did not know the outcome of the Sunderland Leeds game of 1973, so you will remember that little old Sunderland beat the mighty Leeds. Leeds in the early 70’s were the best and yet most hated football team in the land. They were a very good but also very dirty team (nothing to do with hotels and girls, innocent times remember). Their reputation was not helped by Norman “bites your legs” Hunter (parents were very imaginative with middle names in those days).
My brother (my hero) was at college and bet his whole football team, individually, that Sunderland would beat Leeds. How clever was he? Not that clever really, as they were all even bets, and clearly he would have done far better at the bookies, and he did crash my motorbike and then chose not to tell me, as I later found out about it. No really! Where are these thoughts coming from?
* Cracket: a Geordie word for a small miner’s stool, which would elevate a four foot two boy to the dizzy height of five foot five at a football match; annoyingly though, it was just short of an unobstructed view).
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