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April 10th, 2009
This blog explains: How to get a free hotel room by using the power of the open question (a technique employed in sales and in magic).
Travelling around the UK, as I do, I tend to vary my accommodation (and on occasions I will “push the boat out” so to speak). Recently, I was in the North West of England and decided to stay at a cross between a top hotel and a luxury apartment. The lounge area alone made me feel a bit special; 5 stars living, indeed.
Now, before you think “Oh hark at him, lardee dah” I should point out that this was an end of tax year treat to me. I have saved the country a fortune by staying with friends in London (if I had stayed in London hotels, the hotel costs could have been offset from my profit and I would have been able to pay less tax – a kind of Jacqui Smith’s husband in reverse). Not to mention the savings the country made by my booking early on £29 travelodge rooms (which by the way are not great, sometimes very cold and more often than not have a dubious hair behind the door). Ok, that is enough justification for one blog.
Anyway, I finished my prep for the gig (it was a Thursday night and my gig was on the Friday evening, however, I also had an early Friday morning meeting with a company for an exhibition project later in the year, so I wanted to be fresh) and I went to sleep at 11pm (oh yes rock and roll).
At just past midnight I was woken by a noise from the next room. No problem, I’ll just go back to sleep – I thought. 1:13am more noise this time much louder; the voices (there were a lot of them) I noticed, were Eastern European. Again, I thought, it is not too late, and surely these guys will “turn in” shortly; my stereotyping had kicked in and I now imagined them to be plumbers crammed into one room to save money. 3:34am more noise; I was hacked off.
Now, what you have to understand about Geordies is that one minute we are all “Ant and Deckish”, the next minute we just want to deck someone; think, Cheryl Cole reading The News of the World. So, I got changed and went out in the corridor; their door was open.
Inside the room there were about 12 guys playing cards and, strangely, one bloke standing next to the door. “Hey, lads, could you keep the noise down” I said firmly but friendly. The guy at the door said a very loud NO, to which I replied “You ****ing what pal?
The largest guy stood up and walked to the door. Unbelievably, I was still furious at the guy at the door and not the least bit scared. Obviously, “extinction of the stupid” had overridden “survival of the fittest” as my default setting for danger (read this blog to find out how this has got me into trouble in the past). Luckily for me, the guy was very calm and apologised for the noise and claimed “they would keep it down”.
The next day I asked reception for either a refund or a night in lieu (I was returning to the North West the next week, so, either option was good for me). They offered me the latter and they also apologised for the guys who were the Cirque du Soleil troupe who all had separate rooms and had been winding down from their gig in Liverpool.
Thinking back, I am glad that I kept my voice down when I rang reception after the altercation with the guys in case they were holding a tumbler to the wall (…think about it..Oh come on, that was a good one!).
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March 25th, 2009
This is a purely informative blog; so you can stop reading now unless you want to read a joke free blog. Ok, I did warn you.
To a performer, a day job just seems wrong, yet strangely, I love them. Weekday work means being away from home, staying in great hotels from Monday to Thursday (as a rule), which fits in well around my weekend performances (although not that well with my wife).
So, what is this weekday work? Well, the Americans call it trade show magic, I suppose, we call it exhibition work, and it is the closest we get, to having a real job. The idea of an entertainer performing at an exhibition is, simply, to get more business for the company he is working for; end of story.
Last week, I enjoyed working at the Convergence Summit North in Manchester for the lovely Opal people. It was a real pleasure to work alongside such enthusiastic staff. I knew they would be great guys, as I had met with the directors and the exhibition staff the week before the show to receive my education on their products. At the meeting I also suggested ways I could assist the staff during the show.
It is vital you do your homework for exhibitions, and it is also vital to know the reason you are there, and that is, I repeat, to get more business for the company you are working for. So, it is just as important to be able to read body language and facial expressions, as it is to deliver the company message in your magic effects.
What I mean by this is, you should not only be knowledgeable about the company’s products, you should also know about, who would be a potential client for a particular product.
This ability to spot a “hot lead” by asking the right questions is vital to your success at the exhibition. Magic is, indeed, a great opener, but, this is the important work – i.e. the ability to spot the “hot leads” and pass them over to the sales staff on the booth.
You have to act a bit like a G.P doctor; by that I mean, you have to ask a series of questions until you work out how you can help them.
Anyway, that is my opinion I could be wrong.
There I did warn you. Not one joke. “What? Not even one about acting like a GP, by cupping and asking the guy to cough?” – NO, not even a crap gag like that.
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February 12th, 2009
It was great to see that “Slum Dog Millan-aire” won so many awards at the Baftas – by the way, I haven’t miss-spelt it, that is how the actor, playing the Indian Chris Tarrant, says the word in the film.
I saw the film when it came out in January and I thought it was fantastic. I had been dragged to see Quantum of Solace, but, not this one.
My logic for going to the pictures is always the same: has the film picked up lots of 5 star reviews in early showings, and does the very last sentence of the review, sound like a film I would enjoy? I never ever read a review, just the last line; in fact, at the time, I didn’t know anything about the film – not even, that it involved the TV game “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”.
Like most great films, the scene has to be set to allow the final payoff to have impact. However, this takes time, as we have to witness and endure a vividly cruel Mumbai; no one wants to see children suffer this way. After thirty minutes of the film a couple of teenage girls walked out and never returned to the cinema. I would have liked to have stopped them to say, just give it time. I didn’t do this, because the image of a middle-age man saying to young girls “No, please don’t go, you will enjoy it honestly” in the darkness might be misconstrued (damn this raincoat).
After the film I wondered why the girls had left. Was it a case of “Well, there is obviously no immediate gratification here for me” or was it a case of “I can’t sit and watch “man’s inhumanity to man” in this way”? If you have seen the movie you will know the exact point at which the girls walked out.
Hollywood often suggests that movies affect us, but do they really? Can we be changed to live better lives, by the morals in a movie (seen right through to its’ end, obviously)? Did the girls miss out on a life changing moment by not staying to the end? If they had stayed would they have discussed the point, that the winning of the money was not even the real success story of the film?
The film industry would say, yes, you can be altered at the end of a great thought provoking movie, but in reality aren’t our post film thoughts simply ephemeral.
For example, would someone walking out early during the film “Trainspotting” (another Danny Boyle movie) be less likely to take drugs because they didn’t see the final scene, when Euan Macgregor runs off with the money. And for heaven’s sake (literally) we have all seen the film “Ghost” with its’ crystal clear, right / wrong, good versus evil, message, yet, crime is still around.
Anyway, all I know is, the girls missed one of the best films ever made.
***** 5 stars
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February 6th, 2009
Now, I like to think of my wife and I as quite calm people, but, in reality, once we are out of our comfort zone we usually resemble Laurel and Hardy in a flap; I’m the one playing with my tie and crying. The reason I say this, is because the media have just released the audio tape from the heroic plane landing in New York last month.
How calm was that bloke? If you haven’t heard the tape, it is like a conversation between two very relaxed people trying to fix a lunch appointment. “No, can’t make it” “We’ll go in the Hudson” “Ok that sounds reasonable”. I am paraphrasing but the transcript was not too dissimilar.
Capt Chesley Sullenberger (Sully) was so calm; I reckon he could have told the passengers “Before we assume the crash position if you look out of the right hand side windows you will see the Chrysler Building”. As in contrast to, if a greedy banker was the pilot, he would have said, “Before we assume the crash position if you look out of the right hand side windows you will see a small yellow dinghy, I am speaking to you from that dinghy”.
I was hoping to do a play on words about “Sully” literally having morals and a compass, where as most people these don’t have a moral compass, but I have stuff to do today, but I am sure you can come up with something.
Anyway, as Rudyard Kipling said “If you can keep your head, when all about you, people are losing it BIG style” – again I am paraphrasing.
I think what I am trying to say is, Sully was so incredibly calm and modest in his media interview in January. And yet, when a calm and modest Gordon Brown says “we can fix the economy”, suddenly, we are all running backwards and forwards, scratching our heads and adjusting our bowler hats.
That is just my opinion; I could be wrong.
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January 3rd, 2009
I’m on a flight back from Southampton; we’ve just taken off.
Early morning travel is always exciting, all coffee and bad breath; those three hours of darkness before the sun comes up are always special to me, it is as if I have stolen some time from the day. At the airport I was able to write up the gags that worked at last night’s gig – Yes, I know, it didn’t take long.
I love quiet time. I am not one of those performers who is “on” all the time, and I really do enjoy my privacy. People who know me, understand, I am often alone but never lonely. However, sometimes I do wonder if this is normal behaviour.
The South of England looks beautiful, all lit up, no wonder sixty-two million people choose to cram on to our small island. Up through the suspiciously flat clouds, I look around the cabin. I notice a very elderly gentleman, I saw him earlier at the airport; the flybe staff had made a fuss of him and he was very polite in return. I imagined he was off to see one of his children – I remembered at the time thinking, I hope his children (offspring, is probably a better word, as the children in question would be about my age) are good to him and treat him with respect.
He trembles as he takes a drink of his tea. We have just taken off, yet they are serving drinks; it is a very short flight, especially today.
Ten minutes in, the pilot announces that the plane will have to return to Southampton, as the door is not closed properly. The captain uses his relaxing, Home County’s accent to imply this is a routine procedure – as in a “no problem, you sit back, I have this one covered” tone. But everyone suspects, by the speed of his return, and the fact that the plane was quickly overrun with Fire staff, that it was probably not a good idea for the captain to dally too much.
Anyway, the door gets fixed by a professional-looking guy. Thinking back, I am glad he looked professional, and that he didn’t just open it a couple of times and slam it really hard until he felt it was closed and then ask me to hold the handle to “make sure it doesn’t come loose again”; things have moved on from my Dad’s 1964 Triumph Herald.
Now, there is a part in the movie “Ace Ventura” when Jim Carey is on the telephone to Courtney Cox and he says “if I am not there at 9pm” pause “just wait longer”. The reason I mention this, is because immediately after the refuelling, almost everyone, except me, started using their phones to say, well basically, “just wait longer” to whoever was expecting them. Some people even started complaining about the inevitable delay. I was going to be working at a function much later that evening, so I was in no hurry.
Anyway, the cabin crew were not happy; their smiles only just about covering their contempt for all on board. An attractive stewardess addressed the passengers with the words “Could you please stop using your mobile phones” and as a seasonal after-thought, she added, “And could we all smile, it is Christmas Eve you know”.
As I sat there smugly, I suddenly realised it was Christmas Eve and that I too, wanted to make a call to a very special lady. So, this is what it is like to be lonely.
In Loving Memory of Vera Lugton
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December 6th, 2008
I remember an expression / joke from years ago:
”Democracy is too good to share with just anybody.”
Obviously, the person who came up with this quotation was making a joke, and hopefully not manifesting his right wing tendencies. But as they say, it is funny because it is true. I find the quote amusing, and I like to think of myself as left wing-ish, but some days I do wonder about people.
Yesterday, I saw a “Best Mum in the world” sign in a car (makes a change from “Baby on board”). I was at traffic lights, so being nosey I decided to check out whether the hubris of the sign was justified. Today was also the day of truth on the Karen Matthews case highlighting the very worst of parenting, so I was probably more interested than I would usually have been.
I saw two ladies in the front seats and two children in the back seats. Both ladies were smoking and the windows were up. If it was a TV comedy programme, it would have been the start of an ironic sketch. Then it occurred to me, some people just don’t get “it”.
To most people, programme like the “Royale Family” and “Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps” are funny because… wait for it…… they are comedies and NOT documentaries. Could it be that some people can’t make the distinction? Wasn’t the Shannon Matthews kidnapping inspired by a plot on the comedy (there is your clue) programme “Shameless” (another clue in the title there). And everyone knows it is cruel to hit your kids, which is why Biffa Bacon’s Mum and Dad beating the crap out of Biffa, in the comic Viz, is funny because you would never do that to your children – got it yet?
I have dipped into programmes like the “Royale Family”, “Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps” and “Shameless” but I have never watched a whole episode. I am sure they are funny, but to me, they seem very pessimistic and not very subtle. The script seems crude for effect (to prove, no doubt, that it is an edgy comedy – God I hate that). The gags are always sledge-hammered home, just in case you didn’t get the first hint of the telegraphed joke coming along.
You could argue, and I would agree, that it is true to life – but I ask you, do we really want that?
Contrast these programmes with “Friends”, “Seinfeld” and “Scrubs” where the comedy writing is subtle, and above all, there is always hope and aspiration. Good human traits show up nearly every week as the actors in these shows give in to their better selves. Yes, they are flawed characters, but that just makes us identify with them, because like all of us, we try to do are best, but sometimes we do mess up.
By the way, the “best mum in the world” did eventually wind down her window. And at that point, I felt ashamed; I thought I really shouldn’t be this judgemental. Who am I to suggest that some people are watching the wrong TV shows? Am I really saying people are not savvy enough to know that something in a comedy programme is funny, but to copy it in real life is certainly not funny, as the irony is replaced with cruelty?
As I was thinking this, and I swear this is true; “best mum in the world” spat out of the window and put the window back up.
Like I said, I really like the “democracy not for everyone” quote.
For an example of subtle comedy writing watch this clip from the early 1990’s
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December 3rd, 2008
Yesterday, I heard a Geordie lass utter the words “je ne sais quoi”; and I wondered if somewhere in France, a French lady was saying “EE pet, I divent narr, Ah canna put ma finga on it like!”
Je ne sais quoi is such a lovely expression (Geordies say lovely all the time, get used to it). Much like the bewildering concept that is love, the phrase, “that certain something which is appealing” (you’re right, the French version is better) is an enigma. Just like love, we can’t explain “that certain something” moment, but we know instantly when it happens.
It can be a multitude of things, working independently or together; such as, the way a lady with high cheek-bones, elegantly curls her hair around her ear, or the unaffected laughter of a stylish forty year old woman, and it is always, without doubt, just the right amount of cleavage.
The reason I mention this is because I landed on ITV last night for ten seconds only. It was only ten seconds because it was “I’m a celebrity get me out of here”. I am sure you remember the “Raiders Of The Lost Ark” movie, when the Germans get melted, because, even though they know they shouldn’t look at the opening of the ark, they feel compelled to do so – Well - that is how I feel about IACGMOOH; as in, I know it is not good for me and I don’t want to be drawn in.
I looked for the ten seconds as a woman in her twenties was doing the Myleene Klass shower scene. After two seconds I knew her breasts looked strange, after eight seconds she announced the breasts were one year old, ten seconds in, my TV was switched off.
Recently, I have encountered many ladies (mainly at celebrity functions) who have “had them done”, many of them are proud of their cosmetic enhancement and will candidly announce this fact to all and sundry (sundry is a little Asian guy who follows me round).
I may be out on a limb here, but I never like them (that’s breasts, not small Asians, I love them). First of all, they are nearly always too big, and secondly, they seem to be based on comic book sketches, or women in football cartoon strips in the Saturday Daily Mirror (I buy it for the TV details, OK?). Some of the fake boobs are about as appealing as Gazza’s comedy “plastic joke shop” breasts he donned for the team photograph in the 1990 World Cup 3rd and 4th place play off match (God I am such a nerd for knowing that fact).
The ladies always say they “got them done” as a present to themselves, but to me, they look more like the prefect gift for a fourteen year old boy.
I have a very strange reaction to false boobs. My first reaction is to go “Wellll hhhello”, (think Leslie Phillips in a “Carry on” movie). And yes, I do say it out loud; always best to verbalise your thoughts I think, and let’s face it, this must be the reaction the ladies are after, or they wouldn’t have had them done in the first place. My next reaction is to look confused as my cognitive brain kicks in. My confused look seems to be saying “you are about fifty and they are just under your chin, defying gravity”.
Apparently, if you put butter and margarine out for the birds, the birds will only eat the natural butter and leave the manufactured margarine. That is how I feel about fake boobs; initially, I am interested, but then decide they are not for me. Yes, I do know the analogy breaks down; I don’t actually rub my nose in first to test them.
Of course, that is my opinion, I could be wrong.
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December 2nd, 2008
I recently watched an episode of Alan Partridge where Alan was asked for his favourite Beatles Album. Alan replied with, “The Best of the Beatles”. (Hold on, I have just found the clip on youtube – have a look, it is very funny.)
To someone my age, it is hilarious because as a teenager that answer would have been so uncool (by the way, saying “uncool” years ago was something your mum would say, and so was very uncool). As schoolboys, we all had our set answers to such questions, e.g. “Beatles? – that’s easy White Album”, “Bob Dylan? got to be Blonde on Blonde”, etc.
Alan’s answer, although uncool, is probably the most logical and yet childlike answer to the question. So, why am I mentioning this? Well, the other night I was in Manchester in a lovely hotel watching a lovely hotel in India under siege. I thought to solve this problem, we should really just have one religion for Planet Earth. We should get all the different world religions around a table and come up with “The Very Best of God”; a compilation of all His best stuff from over the years.
You are probably saying, “No Don, the dispute is not over religion, it is about border disputes”. Bull-poopoo, I live on a border, but I have never read a Berwick newspaper with the headline “Englishman gunned down for wearing “see-you Jimmy” hat.
No, we have got to get around a table and iron this thing out once and for all. We need to agree on, and vote in, all the very best bits of every religion*. I would love to hear the negotiations from that meeting:
“Well, ten is a suspiciously round number, can’t we at least upgrade “the coveting of the neighbour’s oxen” to Tractor style lawnmower?”
Or
“You do realise, that after two and half months they wouldn’t still be virgins?, just so long as you know”.
Yes, then, and only then, can we united as a planet and start to build up hatred for aliens from far off galaxies; yeah we hate you, you stupid green bastards.
Of course, that is my opinion, I could be wrong.
*Best not invite Scientists; we don’t want the meeting to go on too long. Also, best not ask Richard Dawkins for the same reason (ironically, I haven’t read “The God Delusion” as I don’t want to be indoctrinated by a book). I notice that Amazon are able to deliver the book before Christmas; I am sure this is important to the recipient.
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November 17th, 2008
Immediately after watching the Q of S* I thought it was OK; it was action packed as you would imagine, however, the film got better in my mind as my wife explained the story. Basically, I watch Bond movies like a dog looking into a fire.
We had gone to see the film, so my wife could ogle Daniel Craig **. Being able to multi-task, my wife was able to follow the storyline and yet still perv at the same time. As a man, I can’t do this, for example, if the incredibly beautiful news reader is on Sky Sports News I can’t concentrate on the vital information she is delivering (probably something about the Coventry goalkeeper stubbing his toe).
The film did get a little better in my mind, but not much. It did not turn from rubbish to great with my wife’s explanation; unlike, a few years ago, when the film “Fight Club” did achieve this “Waldorf and Statler, Muppets in the theatre box” turnaround ***. You know what I mean, it is that “Boo what an awful film!” to “What? Ed Norton is Brad Pitt? Oh that is good; what a GREAT movie” moment.
By the way, if you were expecting the “we were expecting you Mr. Bond” line, don’t be expecting it. Also, there are no harpoon related gags, if you get my point. Austin Powers obviously brought to an end this style of “eye brow raising, pun riddled, early 70’s” Bond movie.
No, today it is all about product placement inducing us to subliminally believe we can afford an Aston Martin DBS. There was no subliminal advertising in the 1970’s Bond movies, although to be fair I did find myself buying a lot of cheese after one of Roger Moore films.
*People have been asking, what exactly does “Quantum of Solace” mean? Well, Quantum of Solace means, the time between sitting down in the cinema and the time of the first crisp packet rattle.
** My friend Pete Thompson says, Daniel Craig is really just a good looking Peter Reid, discuss!
***
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpYEJx7PkWE&feature=related
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November 1st, 2008
Watching the Ross/Brand saga unfold this week I was reminded of my favourite Gary Larsen cartoon (cut and pasted above):
I can’t explain why, I find this cartoon so funny. Maybe, I just don’t see that punchline coming? Or maybe, it is the victim’s overconfidence in frame three, which leads me (and the cartoon character) into thinking nothing could possibly go wrong here, surely?
So, why does this cartoon remind me of the Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand debacle? Well, it is certainly not schadenfreude on my behalf, as I like both Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand. I love their free-wheeling style of eloquent verbalisation of all of their thoughts at a moment’s notice. Their humour really works and they are right to be confident.
Unfortunately, their poking fun at people went too far this time. They believed that nothing could go wrong, hence the parallels with the cartoon.
The “hands behind the head” moment for Jonathan Ross was a few months ago when he said to Gwyneth Paltrow that he would definitely shag her. Read my blog to see how concerned I was at the time. He got away with this one, as he had done, when he asked Alastair Campbell (on air) if he had ever w***ed over Margaret Thatcher. Unchecked for both of these incidents, Jonathan was left to cycle out of control, thinking he was safe.
Let’s face it, we (me included) are no different; every time we get a little cocky, we know life will turn up to say “Not so fast big guy”. And “the loose screw on the exercise bike will drop out” to bring you down to earth.
So, the only difference is, these guys are doing it in full view of everyone. As the expression goes “Life is like learning the violin in public”.
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October 11th, 2008
I assume writing a blog is very difficult if you are just staring at a sheet of A4. To avoid this writer’s block I have a system. In order to write a blog quickly, I have a shoe box full of bits of paper. I actually have two shoe boxes (very rich man). One box is for ideas for new material for comedy, as well as ideas for new magic effects and the other box is for blog ideas (and/or things that have happened to me).
So, tipping out the blog box today, I noticed an idea I have never addressed since it happened in January this year. I wonder why I haven’t used it? Anyway, let me see if I can describe what happened and, hopefully solve the question of it not being used until now.
The other night (early January 2008) I left a gig to walk to the Underground. As I checked my wallet, I noticed I hadn’t packed my knife in my case and still had it in my jacket inside pocket. I use a knife in my after dinner stage act as a prop (and not as protection if the gig goes tits up).
Walking the streets of London carrying a knife didn’t make me feel any safer. Why would it? I would never use it. Although, it would be good to do that, “top trumps Crocodile Dundee” line when presented with a mugger with a smaller knife.
London has a lot of CCTV so I usually feel safe anyway. Certain parts of London do have a “Bladerunner” feel to them; one particular area is the trendy area of Camden, where I had been performing that night. The Gilgamesh on Chalk Farm Road, is a fabulous venue in this trendy part of our capital, but, it does have a strange “Raiders of the lost Ark” feel to its entrance with large flames burning at the start of an up escalator. It could be worse; it could have the flames at the start of a down escalator (very Sodom and Gomorrah I would imagine).
Anyway, I was in my very best suit as I had just performed an after dinner spot for a group of city bankers from Canary Wharf I should imagine they are not as happy now as they were in January.
Walking the streets I became aware I was the only person out; it was midnight, but, surely someone would be out? This is London; shouldn’t it be like New York, a city which doesn’t sleep? I am from a village which gets its full 8 hours, but even I was surprised.
I turned a corner to see a large number of policemen swarming (only bees and police swarm). There were police on foot and police in very slow moving cars. I really have no idea why there were so many police on the streets and did not feel it was my business to ask. As I walked past, I was scrutinized with a very fine “scrute” (a small implement used by the police), yet not one of them stopped to ask me anything. Probably just as well for me, as I was packing heat (that’s a gun isn’t it, sounds butch though?).
So, my advice to any criminal out there hoping to avoid arrest is to always dress impeccably and carry a case. The police will never stop you; after all, it worked for Al Capone, although a violin case may draw attention these days.
I have just worked out why I never mentioned this in January, and it was probably because in January it was just too early to make light of knife crime. Well, either that, or, nothing actually happens in the story and yet you still read it-gotcha.
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October 7th, 2008
OK, I am no expert, but this stock market crashing everyday (Read my blog about how this is being accelerated by people talking about how bad things are) has now gone too far. Surely, it is time for what is known as, a “dead cat bounce” at least.
As you will know, a “dead cat bounce” is when the market goes just a bit lower than anyone would ever expect (probably accelerated by people talking about how bad things are). Because investors see this as a sign that the market has bottomed out, they can’t resist the bargain of cheap shares, which they will buy up quickly and then sell very quickly (greedy buggers).
This slight upturn in the stock market graph is described well by the tasteless metaphor of a dead cat dropping to the ground, and even though it is dead (supposedly, like the stock market) it will bounce slightly. Try this at home, I’ll give you a few minutes.
Well, did it bounce? No? You probably have to jump up a little, and pretend you are celebrating a home run. Have another go*.
Anyway, I just wish everyone would stop panicking. I mean where is the “Great British, World War Two, stiff upper lipped, bottling up all our problems, and never mentioning them ever again” attitude? Don’t even get me started on Darling’s eyebrows.
Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.
* No cats were harmed in the making of this blog entry – although if that black and ginger little sh*t goes anywhere near my blue tit box (not a euphemism) again I can’t be responsible for my actions.
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October 1st, 2008
Well you can say what you like about the latest financial crisis, at least it is keeping down the numbers of stabbings. If you remember when knife crime was in the news, the number of stabbings actually increased as a result of the hysterical media coverage. Every detail was explained, right down to where the knife was probably bought (I am not sure, but, they may have even had a link to QVC to show the different ranges of knives, I didn’t watch all the channels).
God only knows, what the reports of a dishevelled Pete Doherty, taking drugs and yet still able to date a beautiful supermodel, did to our youth. I know what I would be doing if I was a horny impressionable teenager. Don’t even get me started on how much extra work Kate Moss has picked up after the public were informed of her drug habit. When is the media going to realise most people out there are unable to distinguish between the real news and a “claims direct” advert. The news should be just that, “The News”, and not, a “Aren’t you glad you’re not Britney” show.
Anyway, six months of banging on about the credit crunch, and now we are all surprised that the financial markets are in turmoil.
Here is the answer, I say don’t dwell on bad stuff; let me run the news; there would be a lot more skate boarding dogs and kittens up trees. Come on, think about it, a squirrel that can actually water ski, you don’t see that everyday do you? Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.
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September 16th, 2008
Did I hear correctly on Saturday night? Did a lady (old enough to know better) actually say “It has ruined my whole life”? It would have been understandable, if she was canoeing through her uninsured house, as a flood victim, but this was “Match of the day”. The lady in question was giving her “thoughts” concerning the “goings on” at Newcastle United football club.
Listen lady, if I had spent 135 million pounds on Newcastle United football club, I would have Keegan driving me in a golf buggy along the touchline while I shouted the instructions to the players. Well, maybe not, but I would be sitting on the bench, dressed as a substitute and going on for the last corner every week irrespective of the score line.
Shouldn’t Ashley have some power? What ever happened to the Hollywood expression “Money talks, nonsense walks”?
So, let’s work this out? Here, is a guy, who has pumped money into the comatosed giant that is Newcastle United, and still, he has no say? That is like paying for first class on a plane, only to be frog marched to economy to sit next to the flatulent fat guy who is throwing up.
And here’s a thought, if Keegan loves Newcastle so much, why doesn’t he use his influence to recruit millionaire friends to form a consortium to take over the club; at least telephone Niall Quinn and ask him how he did it.
Anyway, that is my opinion; of course I could be wrong.
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September 13th, 2008
Being a scientist, I was very excited about last week’s experiment in Switzerland. I say scientist, I used to teach Science, and also made it to page 11 of “A Brief History in Time”, but I don’t own a Hadron collider.
Why was I excited? Well, because a previous similar experiment led to the invention of the internet. So, what is next? Light energy which costs nothing? Really, I am not joking; fifty years from now, I am certain, we will have better ways to heat and light our homes; and this will be, as a result from the experiments of September 10th 2008. And because of the previous experiment I talked of, that statement will be allowed to float around in cyber space to prove me right in the year 2058; unfortunately, I most likely won’t be around to pick up my prize from Prime Minister Brooklyn Beckham.
Anyway, as the particle, the scientists are looking for, has been dubbed the God particle, I wonder if they would be just slightly disappointed if they discovered a very tiny God reading a newspaper and saying “Ah, yer got me, yer clever fellas” (yes, God is Irish).
And I really hope, this over analysing of life’s mysteries, doesn’t come to nothing. It would be a bit of a set back if they just found another smaller particle, but this time, with no discernable super powers.
I am very hopeful for the experiment, however, I am also very aware of the dangers of over analysing all things, and how beautiful it can be, to just let go; that is, to react naturally without any naval gazing. For example, on stage, I am always amazed, how great it is to be in the moment.
Now at this point, if I was on “Thought for Today”, I would probably say something like, “analysing what makes us laugh, is a lot like this experiment in Switzerland”. I would probably go on and quote the American comedian EB White, who once said, “that, analyzing humour was like dissecting a frog, few people are interested and the frog dies anyway”.
What made me think about this? Well strangely enough on 10th of September, I had too much time to prepare for a corporate gig and spent too long over analyzing. The upshot was, not one of my best gigs.
So, as my Granddad used to say, “best not go to the far end of a fart”. Wise words indeed GD.
As I said, I do hope the experiment is a success, because it would be a shame to spend millions of pounds and after all these years have nothing to show for it. I live in Newcastle and I can’t think of any other example of such a waste of money with nothing to show for it, can you?
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September 5th, 2008
It is so obvious, that, when we are informed by the press, that a football club manager still has his job, what they really mean is, he will be on the golf course next week, without a care in the world. It is as blatant as, the hackneyed “vote of confidence” call, which translates, “could you go to your office now with a cardboard box”.
I am not doing a blog today; I just didn’t want my last blog to look too out of date, so soon. It would be really funny if Newcastle went on to win the league. Anyway, to read what I really think should happen (sarcasm is so difficult to convey in print form, isn’t it?) and also a real solution to the whole debacle, read: http://www.donmoses.co.uk/blog/2008/09/03/keegan-has-not-been-sacked/
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