Don Moses Comedy & Magic Blog - A light hearted look at life, comedy and magic.

Monday, August 13th, 2007 at 9:44 am

life is like driving a car

A word of warning: if you can avoid Edinburgh on a Sunday during the festival, do so.  We didn’t, my wife has a proper job and so she had arranged to meet up with some mutual friends and also to see Joyce Carol Oates at the Book Festival.  Yea, that is what I thought, Book Festival, glasses on chains, leather arm patches, Christmas jumper.  Sure, I did not have to wear them, but I wanted to fit in. 

We needed to be there early, however, the trains only have a Sunday service (no crap gag about vicars, please) and so they started much later than normal.  The train journey takes about one and a half hours and is very scenic indeed as it hugs the rugged coastline.  It is very relaxing; the car journey is very not relaxing and takes about two hours and forty minutes (with car parking problems at the end).  Don’t even get me started on that little “Basil and Sybil” exchange.

My wife decides to drive – I may have said “you arranged it, you drive” I can’t remember now, due to the lack of sleep from driving since Friday night.  After an hour, she is informed by the car that it needs petrol (it doesn’t, the computer dashboard display has simply dropped from 100 miles in the tank to 95 miles left).  This is woman speak for, “must get petrol NOW”.  A man would happily crawl along at 46 miles per hour with the display of 2 miles of petrol left, without panicking (nervous laughter is not panicking is it?).  Nobody tells a man when to address the fuel situation.

This made me think “life is like a car journey” – yes, you want to enjoy the journey but you have to keep checking to see how you are doing and watching out for any warning signals on the dashboard, as well as throwing an arm out to the back seats if you have kids. I get very philosophical at 8:36 on a Sunday morning.

So we pull into Morrisons at Berwick – it opens at 9am and it is 8:37 but I can see the lady already set up behind her counter.  After much to-ing and fro-ing between her Perspex window and the locked door, it appears I can’t have petrol.  She must have had a hangover (is Berwick Scotland or England? – a bit racist Don?).  I would have accepted a “computer can only deliver petrol after 9am” chirpy denial followed by a smile of sorryness (I think that might be apologetic smile).  What I got was, a lot of vague “can’t be arsed” pointing at doors which displayed opening times.  Not a great start.

Tomorrow I will tell you more about our day in Edinburgh, only I am starting to say things like, smile of sorryness, which must be a sign I need to catch up on sleep.  I can tell you, that on the way back we (I say we, I mean about 10 cars) were held up by a very bad driver going at a very inappropriate speed.  We (yes I can speak for the other cars -I can spot impatience) were furious with the guy.  However, when we overtook we felt a bit ashamed of ourselves as the man appeared to be (what ever is the politically correct word for) disturbed, which made us feel a bit sorry for him.  He was about 46 (about the same age as his speed) –  wait a minute, I have just thought, he had better not have been trying to save petrol and his only justification for his slow driving was pretending to be a bit mental as people overtook him.

Anyway, I will definitely take the train midweek.

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Don performs as a wedding magician, corporate entertainer, and after dinner speaker at events throughout the country. London Magician, Manchester Magician, Liverpool Magician, Birmingham Magician, Newcastle Upon Tyne Magician, Magician Surrey, Edinburgh Magician, Oxford Magician, Bristol Magician, Magician Milton Keynes, Leicester Magician, Leeds Magician, Magician Kent.