Don Moses Comedy & Magic Blog - A light hearted look at life, comedy and magic.

Archive for February, 2008

Thursday, February 21st, 2008

Things I like at the moment

Well, yesterday’s blog was getting a bit heavy; finding those old notes brought back memories which I now want to forget if I am to stick with my “no looking back” policy.

Anyway, today I am going to do something different for you.

You know that point, where as a parent, you are too tired to read to your child, and you say “wouldn’t you like to watch Finding Nemo again”, and you put on the DVD?  Well this blog is the adult equivalent of that.  What I mean by that is, I would love to write a full blog of over 500 words, however, wouldn’t you just like to see some funny clips I have chosen from youtube?  Of course you would.

I realise that in the past my youtube links have not taken you to comedy clips; that is, unless you are so disrespectful of the King, that you laughed at Elvis’s karate moves – shame on you.

Anyway, here are the clips; I think you will find them very funny.  This first clip is from the hottest show at last year’s Edinburgh festival.  The big guy is called Greg Davies (he looks like a giant Rik Mayall).  Greg used to be a Drama teacher.  I guess there must be two types of Drama teacher; the ones that inhale for affect, and hold their faces and make expressions as if acting is really really difficult, and the other type, who are just mental like Greg.  Enjoy it anyway; they are called We are Klang.   Glad you liked it.

How about Jim Carrey at a dinner for Meryl Streep?  This clip gets a bit sycophantic at times but there is a bit in the middle where it is just pure “Pet Detective”.   Hope you like it, here is Jim Carrey

Now eat that ice cream and I’ll show you the mirror scene from the Marx Brothers.
Ok time for bed.

Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

Alpine Days

What could be more British than to talk about the weather – and to think, I have been wasting this material at bus stops for years when I could have been giving you the tedious details in word form in my blog.

So, here goes, there was a beautiful sunrise today apparently; my wife had run down to the beach to see it (well not for that reason).  Anyway, that is how great the weather is at the moment.  My wife is a full time athlete (not really but it seems that way – and no, I am not complaining) who is in training for another marathon.  You are right, there really is no need!

While I am on the subject, we are both still taking suggestions as to which charity we should adopt (my wife for her needless running and me for my pointless blog – I don’t think I am selling this as well as I could).  When we decide (hopefully with your help) I will put a link from my site to the chosen charity website.  That way, you can give to the charity directly, and then inform me of how much.  I in return, I will post your names on my website in a type face reflecting the donation e.g. £50 will be type size 28, £2 will be type size 12.  Not that that is the reason you give to charity, unless of course you are sanctimonious.  Which, if that is the case, that is fine too, I am sure the charity will be chuffed either way.

Anyway, back to the weather.  It has been like the South of France.  I was in London last week walking along the embankment and people were sitting on park benches enjoying the sun and very strong cider at 10a.m. – you can’t tell me that happens everyday.  I wonder if business men rushing to work (and their first heart attack) see these guys and think, “screw the Zurich deal I am taking a 3 hour lunch”.  In fact, today, on the radio a leading psychologist said that we are all working too hard and heading for disaster.  I know, I for one, am not taking that chance.

On Sunday we were out with friends in the alpine sunshine of the Tyne Valley.  You see that, putting the words, alpine and valley in the same sentence conjures up images of skiing and Wham videos.  Well, we walked along the River Tyne – oh! Not so glamorous now you think, but you are wrong; the North is great – well when the sun shines.

I even like those weather expressions which are specific only to Britain (I assume due to our prevailing south westerly winds).  Expressions such as:
Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.
Red sky in the morning: Shepherd’s warning.
Black sky in the morning: Oh No, I have got up too early again.
Anyway, I haven’t got time to talk about the weather I have things to do; now where is that off license?

Saturday, February 16th, 2008

Even Steven (part two)

So, if you remember from yesterday, I was in fear of my best laid plans being sabotaged.  Well, one London train had been cancelled and so now the passengers of two London trains had to fit onto my London train, with seat allocation no longer applying.  And more bad news, the train was only going to Darlington and then they are “laying on” coaches to take us to York.  But surely my plans (being meticulous) would obviously allow for this delay.  You see what I mean about pride before a fall?

The train was very crowded so I decide to stand, as it was only until Darlington and I had luggage.  You know that train announcement which says “Can you make sure you have all of your possessions with you” well I think this lady on the train had taken this literally and gone home to get everything she owned.  We all had to help her with her  stuff (I mean stuff not just suitcases) but we forgave her, as her babies were cute and well behaved. 

Some people overreacted to being inconvenienced but most were, as the youngsters say, cool with it (get your own words and hairstyles will you).  Some people had mentioned the words, nightmare and disaster on their mobiles, but come on, it wasn’t either of those– it just means we will be late, so what, there are loads of things worse than being late.

When we got to Darlington (and were standing on a ramp in an orderly queue) some people, realised they were going to miss their connections and so had started to complain to the officials, who were all doing their best and ushering us onto the coaches. 

Then, out of nowhere, appeared a very large lady.  She was walking up the other ramp away from us with her low slung jeans slipping down to her thighs and so exposing her bottom and her thong.  Let’s just say, the tail of the whale was well out of the water.  It was as if is someone was cramming two world globes into a very small bag.  I don’t know why it was such an amusing sight, but it was.  The people who were complaining to the officials actually saw this bizarre vision before everyone else and started to smile very broadly (they were English and so they stopped short of laughing).  We (the non-complainers, who were being nosey and were listening to and watching the complainers) could not understand why anyone complaining should start to smile mid-sentence, I mean it made no sense.  Then, of course, we spotted the slipping fashion faux pas.  We all started to smile.  I remember the officials looking at us all very strangely, half smiling themselves as if to say “What, have I got a bit of snot?”

Maybe the Middle East situation could be resolved with a little hilarity caused by something similar to the lady with slipping pants.  Although in hindsight (get it?) the Gaza strip is not as exciting as it sounds and the people there are not known for their love of expanses of flesh.

Then came the announcement that we could all get compensation as our train is going to be really late.  The announcement was as follows: “passengers who feel they have been inconvenienced by the delay in our service today, can claim by picking up a compensation form, unfortunately we have no forms left”.  Even the people who hadn’t smiled at the unfortunate lady smiled at that one.

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

Even Steven

If you have read my latest news for February, on my home page, you will know about my “pride before a fall” fears.  I would even say that this applies to everyday stuff.  You know, the kind of things we try to plan for, but ultimately have no control over.  Take today for instance:

With my meticulous plans made, I set off for London, no need for a taxi I had checked the weather (told you they were meticulous); it is a very sunny (15 degrees) February day.  The walk to the station, of course, being part of my “built into life” fitness programme, I mentioned in an earlier blog.
I get to the metro station and buy a ticket as my train just comes into view.  I have the right money; no ticket machine malfunction.  Perfect, I step onto the train as if I had just ordered an over elaborate stretch yellow taxi.  I sit down right next to the place where luggage can be stored, how convenient is that?  The lad sitting next to me has an ipod, and how thoughtful is this? I can’t hear the buzzing noise from it, that is how good a day it is.  What could possibly go wrong?

The lad does have one of those Rod Stewart 1971 haircuts that seem to be all the rage with the modern teenagers.  Why they can’t get their own original haircuts, I mean!  I never had a Glenn Miller haircut in the 70’s, and that would have been the equivalent of a thirty year old, out of date, haircut then.

The train crosses the bridge and Newcastle looks brilliant – like a European capital, no, not because of the illiterate graffiti.  In fact, with the strong sunlight, you could be mistaken for being in Sydney, as Sydney’s landmark bridge was also made by Dorman Long, the company which built the Tyne Bridge.  And our new massive Sage music venue is not too dissimilar to their opera house.  Although, we in the North East, don’t have a drink culture and are never disrespectful of our women, so we win there obviously.

I pick up my luggage to prepare to leave the train at Central Station.  Now I have travelled the world and know that train etiquette is universal.  That is, train passengers on the train alight first, and then and only then, do platform passengers step onto the train.  So, I am about to step off, when three platform passengers try to push past me.  As a reminder of the system I deliberately walk into them.  I would just like to say in defence of all youngsters, that the people I carried on my elbows as I left the train were not teenagers but young men in their 20’s and 30’s.  I think the fact that I moved in silence must have been quite threatening, as no one said anything.  I resisted saying “Oh my God, doesn’t anyone have any manners” as I must have known it would sound like Frasier or Niles.

Was this a warning my ying was about to switch to my yang (it could be the other way round, I am not up on Buddhism).  Either way the answer was yes – see part two tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 5th, 2008

Super Tuesday – well, it was OK

So, it is Super Tuesday, or as they say in England, Pancake Tuesday.
The contrast could not be greater between Super Tuesday and Pancake Tuesday.
Super Tuesday is the great wasting of resources whereas Pancake Tuesday is all about running with frying pans, well that and frugality.   Super Tuesday is also when the race (without frying pans) for the White House becomes a bit more obvious, with many of the hopefuls deciding it is actually hopeless to keep on  pitch-forking millions of dollars on their slim chance of ultimate power (see Britain’s Davis Cup odds to make a comparison on chances).

I am not sure I get why, just because you are rich you would want to run for the Presidency of the USA?  If you think about it, apart from the front-runners, who are also rich (but obviously they were in with a shout right from the start) the others must have known their vanity projects would end prematurely.  When you get so rich, is this really the last piece of your ego jigsaw?  Has Doctor Evil (or the bloke who bought Newcastle Football Club) taught us nothing?

Anyway, the BBC are getting very excited over Super Tuesday.  Why?  I have no idea; I have been to America and they think Gordon Blair is in charge of the country Europe.  So why, in this country, do we need to know about all their build up (the whole thing is set to run for full year yet); can’t we just adopt the airline policy of “wake me up if you have something for me”?  So, enough already (I am not Jewish by the way – I just like the phrase) of candidates waving and spouting rhetoric.  And really Barick, the best slogan you could come up with is “Change” – that 50 million dollars you spent on marketing is really paying off, then?  Mind, having said that, McCain’s wife is really hot – so more pictures of her please.

That’s enough about America and Super Tuesday; let’s talk about what is happening in this country today on Pancake Day.  The logic (and tradition) is to use up everything we have in our larders (that word doesn’t get used enough).  And then of course to “go without something”, for 40 days.  So, as Christians, we are able to empathise more with Jesus’ suffering for his 40 days in the desert*.

Let me run that past you again – the idea is to give stuff up – not to buy new stuff.  Well the people in Asda were obviously not aware of their irony as they lined up to purchase “easy to use” pancake mix.  This was not a short queue , in fact, it was longer than a roll-over lottery one.  Judging by their trolleys of food they had all chosen to give up Broccoli.
*The 40 days time scale is used a lot in the Bible and apparently it was because many people 2,000 years ago could only count up to 40 – so when 40 is mentioned in the Bible it could have been even longer – who knows. 

Don performs as a wedding magician, corporate entertainer, and after dinner speaker at events throughout the country. London Magician, Manchester Magician, Liverpool Magician, Birmingham Magician, Newcastle Upon Tyne Magician, Magician Surrey, Edinburgh Magician, Oxford Magician, Bristol Magician, Magician Milton Keynes, Leicester Magician, Leeds Magician, Magician Kent.