Don Moses Comedy & Magic Blog - A light hearted look at life, comedy and magic.

Archive for September, 2008

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

Bring back Ashley

Did I hear correctly on Saturday night?  Did a lady (old enough to know better) actually say “It has ruined my whole life”?  It would have been understandable, if she was canoeing through her uninsured house, as a flood victim, but this was “Match of the day”.  The lady in question was giving her “thoughts” concerning the “goings on” at Newcastle United football club.
Listen lady, if I had spent 135 million pounds on Newcastle United football club, I would have Keegan driving me in a golf buggy along the touchline while I shouted the instructions to the players.  Well, maybe not, but I would be sitting on the bench, dressed as a substitute and going on for the last corner every week irrespective of the score line. 
Shouldn’t Ashley have some power?  What ever happened to the Hollywood expression “Money talks, nonsense walks”? 
So, let’s work this out?  Here, is a guy, who has pumped money into the comatosed giant that is Newcastle United, and still, he has no say?  That is like paying for first class on a plane, only to be frog marched to economy to sit next to the flatulent fat guy who is throwing up.

And here’s a thought, if Keegan loves Newcastle so much, why doesn’t he use his influence to recruit millionaire friends to form a consortium to take over the club; at least telephone Niall Quinn and ask him how he did it.

Anyway, that is my opinion; of course I could be wrong.

Saturday, September 13th, 2008

The God Particle

Being a scientist, I was very excited about last week’s experiment in Switzerland.  I say scientist, I used to teach Science, and also made it to page 11 of “A Brief History in Time”, but I don’t own a Hadron collider.

Why was I excited?  Well, because a previous similar experiment led to the invention of the internet.  So, what is next?  Light energy which costs nothing?  Really, I am not joking; fifty years from now, I am certain, we will have better ways to heat and light our homes; and this will be, as a result from the experiments of September 10th 2008.  And because of the previous experiment I talked of, that statement will be allowed to float around in cyber space to prove me right in the year 2058; unfortunately, I most likely won’t be around to pick up my prize from Prime Minister Brooklyn Beckham.

Anyway, as the particle, the scientists are looking for, has been dubbed the God particle, I wonder if they would be just slightly disappointed if they discovered a very tiny God reading a newspaper and saying “Ah, yer got me, yer clever fellas” (yes, God is Irish).
And I really hope, this over analysing of life’s mysteries, doesn’t come to nothing.  It would be a bit of a set back if they just found another smaller particle, but this time, with no discernable super powers.

I am very hopeful for the experiment, however, I am also very aware of the dangers of over analysing all things, and how beautiful it can be, to just let go; that is, to react naturally without any naval gazing.  For example, on stage, I am always amazed, how great it is to be in the moment. 

Now at this point, if I was on “Thought for Today”, I would probably say something like, “analysing what makes us laugh, is a lot like this experiment in Switzerland”.  I would probably go on and quote the American comedian EB White, who once said, “that, analyzing humour was like dissecting a frog, few people are interested and the frog dies anyway”.
What made me think about this?  Well strangely enough on 10th of September, I had too much time to prepare for a corporate gig and spent too long over analyzing.  The upshot was, not one of my best gigs.
So, as my Granddad used to say, “best not go to the far end of a fart”.  Wise words indeed GD.

As I said, I do hope the experiment is a success, because it would be a shame to spend millions of pounds and after all these years have nothing to show for it.  I live in Newcastle and I can’t think of any other example of such a waste of money with nothing to show for it, can you?

Friday, September 5th, 2008

Keegan has left the building

It is so obvious, that, when we are informed by the press, that a football club manager still has his job, what they really mean is, he will be on the golf course next week, without a care in the world.  It is as blatant as, the hackneyed “vote of confidence” call, which translates, “could you go to your office now with a cardboard box”.
I am not doing a blog today; I just didn’t want my last blog to look too out of date, so soon.  It would be really funny if Newcastle went on to win the league.  Anyway, to read what I really think should happen (sarcasm is so difficult to convey in print form, isn’t it?) and also a real solution to the whole debacle, read:

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

Keegan has not been sacked

Only in the North East could someone keeping their job, be deemed the most important thing to happen that day.  But this is Newcastle where football is everything, and, believe it or not, that was the headline this morning.  To get that size of headline on the front page our Olympic team had to win a bag full of medals.
This made me think, if we love our football so much, shouldn’t we follow the example of Team GB and join forces.  We should have done this with our national football team a long time ago; think of all the Ryan Giggs’ years we wasted.

Keegan had the right idea years ago when he ran the Great North Run in a shirt made up of half Sunderland and half Newcastle strips.  Yes, I am suggesting that, get over it.  Look, every September (sometimes August) both sets of supporters realise that their teams appearing first on the national sports news is going to be limited to their off the field events only.  Case in question, today’s headline.

So, let’s forget the parochial rivalry between Sunderland and Newcastle and join forces.  Hating each other is ridiculous, and makes about as much sense as punching your neighbour because he lives quite close to you, but not actually in your house.  No one would do that, ok, except Joey Barton, no one would do that.

So I say tear down the overgrown shopping trolley that is SJP, leave the stadium of light as a superior training ground (its’ got a nice new pool) and build a new stadium in between the two superpowers, probably Felling.
Anyway, that is my opinion; of course I could be wrong.

Don performs as a wedding magician, corporate entertainer, and after dinner speaker at events throughout the country. London Magician, Manchester Magician, Liverpool Magician, Birmingham Magician, Newcastle Upon Tyne Magician, Magician Surrey, Edinburgh Magician, Oxford Magician, Bristol Magician, Magician Milton Keynes, Leicester Magician, Leeds Magician, Magician Kent.