Don Moses Comedy & Magic Blog - A light hearted look at life, comedy and magic.

Archive for October, 2008

Saturday, October 11th, 2008

No Mate THIS is a knife!

I assume writing a blog is very difficult if you are just staring at a sheet of A4.  To avoid this writer’s block I have a system.  In order to write a blog quickly, I have a shoe box full of bits of paper.  I actually have two shoe boxes (very rich man).  One box is for ideas for new material for comedy, as well as ideas for new magic effects and the other box is for blog ideas (and/or things that have happened to me).

So, tipping out the blog box today, I noticed an idea I have never addressed since it happened in January this year.  I wonder why I haven’t used it?  Anyway, let me see if I can describe what happened and, hopefully solve the question of it not being used until now.

The other night (early January 2008) I left a gig to walk to the Underground.  As I checked my wallet, I noticed I hadn’t packed my knife in my case and still had it in my jacket inside pocket.  I use a knife in my after dinner stage act as a prop (and not as protection if the gig goes tits up).

Walking the streets of London carrying a knife didn’t make me feel any safer.  Why would it?  I would never use it.  Although, it would be good to do that, “top trumps Crocodile Dundee” line when presented with a mugger with a smaller knife.

London has a lot of CCTV so I usually feel safe anyway.  Certain parts of London do have a “Bladerunner” feel to them; one particular area is the trendy area of Camden, where I had been performing that night.  The Gilgamesh on Chalk Farm Road, is a fabulous venue in this trendy part of our capital, but, it does have a strange “Raiders of the lost Ark” feel to its entrance with large flames burning at the start of an up escalator.  It could be worse; it could have the flames at the start of a down escalator (very Sodom and Gomorrah I would imagine).

Anyway, I was in my very best suit as I had just performed an after dinner spot for a group of city bankers from Canary Wharf   I should imagine they are not as happy now as they were in January. 

Walking the streets I became aware I was the only person out; it was midnight, but, surely someone would be out?  This is London; shouldn’t it be like New York, a city which doesn’t sleep?  I am from a village which gets its full 8 hours, but even I was surprised. 

I turned a corner to see a large number of policemen swarming (only bees and police swarm).  There were police on foot and police in very slow moving cars.  I really have no idea why there were so many police on the streets and did not feel it was my business to ask.  As I walked past, I was scrutinized with a very fine “scrute” (a small implement used by the police), yet not one of them stopped to ask me anything.  Probably just as well for me, as I was packing heat (that’s a gun isn’t it, sounds butch though?).

So, my advice to any criminal out there hoping to avoid arrest is to always dress impeccably and carry a case.  The police will never stop you; after all, it worked for Al Capone, although a violin case may draw attention these days.

I have just worked out why I never mentioned this in January, and it was probably because in January it was just too early to make light of knife crime.  Well, either that, or, nothing actually happens in the story and yet you still read it-gotcha.

Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

“Dead Cat Bounce”

OK, I am no expert, but this stock market crashing everyday (Read my blog about how this is being accelerated by people talking about how bad things are) has now gone too far.  Surely, it is time for what is known as, a “dead cat bounce” at least. 

As you will know, a “dead cat bounce” is when the market goes just a bit lower than anyone would ever expect (probably accelerated by people talking about how bad things are).  Because investors see this as a sign that the market has bottomed out, they can’t resist the bargain of cheap shares, which they will buy up quickly and then sell very quickly (greedy buggers). 

This slight upturn in the stock market graph is described well by the tasteless metaphor of a dead cat dropping to the ground, and even though it is dead (supposedly, like the stock market) it will bounce slightly.  Try this at home, I’ll give you a few minutes.

Well, did it bounce? No?  You probably have to jump up a little, and pretend you are celebrating a home run.  Have another go*.

Anyway, I just wish everyone would stop panicking.  I mean where is the “Great British, World War Two, stiff upper lipped, bottling up all our problems, and never mentioning them ever again” attitude?  Don’t even get me started on Darling’s eyebrows.
Of course, that’s just my opinion.  I could be wrong.

* No cats were harmed in the making of this blog entry – although if that black and ginger little sh*t goes anywhere near my blue tit box (not a euphemism) again I can’t be responsible for my actions.

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008

Self fulfilling prophecy

Well you can say what you like about the latest financial crisis, at least it is keeping down the numbers of stabbings.  If you remember when knife crime was in the news, the number of stabbings actually increased as a result of the hysterical media coverage.  Every detail was explained, right down to where the knife was probably bought (I am not sure, but, they may have even had a link to QVC to show the different ranges of knives, I didn’t watch all the channels).

God only knows, what the reports of a dishevelled Pete Doherty, taking drugs and yet still able to date a beautiful supermodel, did to our youth.  I know what I would be doing if I was a horny impressionable teenager.  Don’t even get me started on how much extra work Kate Moss has picked up after the public were informed of her drug habit.  When is the media going to realise most people out there are unable to distinguish between the real news and a “claims direct” advert.  The news should be just that, “The News”, and not, a “Aren’t you glad you’re not Britney” show.

Anyway, six months of banging on about the credit crunch, and now we are all surprised that the financial markets are in turmoil. 
Here is the answer, I say don’t dwell on bad stuff; let me run the news; there would be a lot more skate boarding dogs and kittens up trees.  Come on, think about it, a squirrel that can actually water ski, you don’t see that everyday do you?  Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Don performs as a wedding magician, corporate entertainer, and after dinner speaker at events throughout the country. London Magician, Manchester Magician, Liverpool Magician, Birmingham Magician, Newcastle Upon Tyne Magician, Magician Surrey, Edinburgh Magician, Oxford Magician, Bristol Magician, Magician Milton Keynes, Leicester Magician, Leeds Magician, Magician Kent.