Don Moses Comedy & Magic Blog - A light hearted look at life, comedy and magic.

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008 at 12:18 pm

A touch of Klass (part 1)

Yesterday, I heard a Geordie lass utter the words “je ne sais quoi”; and I wondered if somewhere in France, a French lady was saying “EE pet, I divent narr, Ah canna put ma finga on it like!”

Je ne sais quoi is such a lovely expression (Geordies say lovely all the time, get used to it).  Much like the bewildering concept that is love, the phrase, “that certain something which is appealing” (you’re right, the French version is better) is an enigma.  Just like love, we can’t explain “that certain something” moment, but we know instantly when it happens.

It can be a multitude of things, working independently or together; such as, the way a lady with high cheek-bones, elegantly curls her hair around her ear, or the unaffected laughter of a stylish forty year old woman, and it is always, without doubt, just the right amount of cleavage.

The reason I mention this is because I landed on ITV last night for ten seconds only.  It was only ten seconds because it was “I’m a celebrity get me out of here”.  I am sure you remember the “Raiders Of The Lost Ark” movie, when the Germans get melted, because, even though they know they shouldn’t look at the opening of the ark, they feel compelled to do so – Well – that is how I feel about IACGMOOH; as in, I know it is not good for me and I don’t want to be drawn in.

I looked for the ten seconds as a woman in her twenties was doing the Myleene Klass shower scene.  After two seconds I knew her breasts looked strange, after eight seconds she announced the breasts were one year old, ten seconds in, my TV was switched off.

Recently, I have encountered many ladies (mainly at celebrity functions) who have “had them done”, many of them are proud of their cosmetic enhancement and will candidly announce this fact to all and sundry (sundry is a little Asian guy who follows me round).

I may be out on a limb here, but I never like them (that’s breasts, not small Asians, I love them).  First of all, they are nearly always too big, and secondly, they seem to be based on comic book sketches, or women in football cartoon strips in the Saturday Daily Mirror (I buy it for the TV details, OK?).  Some of the fake boobs are about as appealing as Gazza’s comedy “plastic joke shop” breasts he donned for the team photograph in the 1990 World Cup 3rd and 4th place play off match (God I am such a nerd for knowing that fact).

The ladies always say they “got them done” as a present to themselves, but to me, they look more like the prefect gift for a fourteen year old boy.

I have a very strange reaction to false boobs.  My first reaction is to go “Wellll hhhello”, (think Leslie Phillips in a “Carry on” movie).  And yes, I do say it out loud; always best to verbalise your thoughts I think, and let’s face it, this must be the reaction the ladies are after, or they wouldn’t have had them done in the first place.  My next reaction is to look confused as my cognitive brain kicks in.  My confused look seems to be saying “you are about fifty and they are just under your chin, defying gravity”.

Apparently, if you put butter and margarine out for the birds, the birds will only eat the natural butter and leave the manufactured margarine.  That is how I feel about fake boobs; initially, I am interested, but then decide they are not for me.  Yes, I do know the analogy breaks down; I don’t actually rub my nose in first to test them.
Of course, that is my opinion, I could be wrong.

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Don performs as a wedding magician, corporate entertainer, and after dinner speaker at events throughout the country. London Magician, Manchester Magician, Liverpool Magician, Birmingham Magician, Newcastle Upon Tyne Magician, Magician Surrey, Edinburgh Magician, Oxford Magician, Bristol Magician, Magician Milton Keynes, Leicester Magician, Leeds Magician, Magician Kent.