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May 4th, 2008
The other night I was booked to compere a banquet at the Stadium of Light, on the eve of the Sunderland Middlesbrough match. It was a quality line up and a great evening. My job was to perform my stage set of comedy and magic, and then to interview the players and ex-players of Sunderland and Middlesbrough. Oh yes, this is why I got out of real work.
Usually, and you may have noticed, I don’t make a special reference about famous people in my blog; hey, we are all equal, just because you are on TV doesn’t make you any different. I don’t bother to put photos of celebrities on my blog. The reason I don’t, is, I am not sure what it says about me as a person. Am I wanting to have fame by association? Am I somehow a better entertainer because celebrities book me for their functions? They are rhetorical questions by the way, but feel free to have a guess.
Well when the celebrity is a really great human being like Niall Quinn I feel honoured to have spent time in his company, hence the photo above (even if I do look like Niall’s ventriloquist dummy).
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March 27th, 2008
Where do thoughts come from? I mean why do I think, “God, I hope I don’t say to this lady, that is an ugly baby” or, when I am in church, why do I think “I hope I don’t shout out I object”? Where do such thoughts come from?
How can I remember the Sunderland promotion winning team from the 1960’s – (it was Montgomery, Irwin, Ashurst, Harvey, Hurley, McNab, Usher, Herd, Sharkey, Crossan and Mulhall, if you are interested) and yet ironically, when the song “Memories” comes on the radio I can’t remember the second line of the lyrics.
As I mentioned in a recent blog, the brain has its’ own agenda on what it cares to remember, and what it will drip feed back to you immediately you put the phone down on a call that required an immediate answer.
Listing that Sunderland team, strangely enough, has brought back memories of how quite appalling, yet incredibly exciting, the football terraces were in the 1960’s. As a youngster I would have to get to the ground two hours before kick off to get prime spot. Prime spot was, of course, just in front of the crash barrier, half way up the Roker End (never behind the crash barrier, unless you were the undisputed “pile on” champion of the world).
I also had to arrive completely dehydrated, as once 52,000 people had filled the ground, the chances of toilet visits and safe returns were patchy (not the only thing patchy). Some fans, who hadn’t planned as well as me, also avoided the toilet visit by rolling up a newspaper and using it as a personal funnel; yes, not the best day for your new suede Hush Puppies. I was ok in the early days, as I was standing on a cracket *, I am not sure my dad was as lucky with “the rivers of wee” (a lesser known speech by Enoch Powell).
I was hooked on live football those days. I couldn’t get enough. As soon as I was at the correct height for my cracket to allow me a clear view, I was starting to go to games with my friends. We even went to away games (not Leeds or Millwall we weren’t mental). We used to get lifts to away games from people we didn’t even know. There was no cosseted parental behaviour in those days; we even had to ask them if they had any sweets. They were innocent times, no puppies to see, we were off to the match.
My last full year of watching Sunderland was 1973. I have been back, but never as regularly as that Cup winning year. You wouldn’t have read this blog to this point if you did not know the outcome of the Sunderland Leeds game of 1973, so you will remember that little old Sunderland beat the mighty Leeds. Leeds in the early 70’s were the best and yet most hated football team in the land. They were a very good but also very dirty team (nothing to do with hotels and girls, innocent times remember). Their reputation was not helped by Norman “bites your legs” Hunter (parents were very imaginative with middle names in those days).
My brother (my hero) was at college and bet his whole football team, individually, that Sunderland would beat Leeds. How clever was he? Not that clever really, as they were all even bets, and clearly he would have done far better at the bookies, and he did crash my motorbike and then chose not to tell me, as I later found out about it. No really! Where are these thoughts coming from?
* Cracket: a Geordie word for a small miner’s stool, which would elevate a four foot two boy to the dizzy height of five foot five at a football match; annoyingly though, it was just short of an unobstructed view).
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March 22nd, 2008
I once got aroused while watching Carol Vorderman, which was great because usually I only get five letter words in Countdown. Bad joke I know, but it did make me think about my last blog. After reading the blog I suddenly had the thought, that I couldn’t do my sums because I am out of practise. This is how bad I am; when I am around at my Mum’s house, I can’t even beat my Mum at the Countdown numbers game. I never need to add things up in my daily routines, so I can’t expect to be the male Carol Vorderman. And if my theory on learning is all to do with motivation, then I will never be a genius with numbers, as surely, the motivation to beat my Mum at Countdown is not enough, as secretly I like it that she wins.
Just looking back at that last blog, it is easy to see what can be done when we are motivated. For example: I am still enjoying performing both close up magic and stage comedy and magic. After years of working on my close up act, I can now just grab my bag and rush off to a gig, however, for a stage performance there is a lot of prep.
On the day of a stage gig, I like to get centred for about 2 hours before I set off. These days, I don’t hold a hair brush to my mouth (microphone style) and pace around the hotel room. However, I will see if I can list out, on a piece of paper, my running order for the evening. And if I can’t remember the running order, I make sure I can remember it, by the time I go on stage.
If I am performing at a company dinner and I need to write in some industry jokes, I will spend time making sure, that on the evening, the audience think this new material is all spontaneous. I secretly like the fact that I prepare so thoroughly for my stage act. It is as if this extra preparation justifies the higher fee I will be getting, simply by being on stage. This homework also assuages the part of my brain which bangs on about old fashioned work ethics.
The motivation comes from, actually not wanting to be too comfortable. I want to feel slightly nervous before going on stage; I think I would really miss that feeling.
I recently heard that all performers get greedy (not greedy for money, but certainly for career advancement). For example, if a performer has played to 100 people, they then want to perform to 200. Then they want to book an Edinburgh show, then want to be on TV.
But surely, it is the constant journey we all enjoy, not the being on telly. I mean Carol Vorderman must be itching to get back on the road, doing sums on stage to audiences that just want to drink heavily. Yes, I wasn’t sure where that blog was going either.
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March 19th, 2008
The other day I was working (yes I do know it is not real work, thanks) as the compere at a corporate event in the glittering West End of London (the only part of London to glitter obviously) and I accidentally caught a glimpse of a piece of paper showing how much the band were getting paid. Now, I am not usually bothered about how much people get paid; see my blog on it’s not about the money.
Anyway, I saw that it was £2,500. Pretty good money I thought, but then I realised this money had to be split between the seven band members. As the band started their set, I drank my ice cold water and challenged my mind to work out, how much each band member would be receiving that evening. This will be a breeze I thought; my mind was quite relaxed as I had already prepared my next ten minutes on stage. Now, before you eggheads shout out “you idiot, it is £357 and 14 pence each, with two lucky band members getting the extra pennies”, I should point out, I had done a lot of travelling that week so I could have been tired. But Buddha on a bike, two songs in, and I still couldn’t work it out in my head, even an approximate figure. The exact figure would have required paper, but surely I could come up with a rough split. No, nothing; it was like one of those moments when you can’t spell a really simple word, (a word you have used a lot) no matter how hard you try.
This made me think, the brain is an incredible organ. I mean, how can’t I divide 2500 by 7, and yet, I can remember everyone’s name at an event with 150 guests? I still do not know how I do this; I just know it comes easily to me on the evenings of the functions. My wife is very good with faces, I am good with names. If we are at a party, she spots the face, I ask her where she has seen that person in the past, and I come up with the name; we are like buddy cops.
People often ask me how I can remember so many names. The only answer I can give is, I want, so much, for the people to have a great time that my sub conscious mind obviously believes this personal touch will help, and so it frees up brain space. So I guess I am somehow motivated to do it.
This made me think about motivation. Years ago, I wrote a revision guide for college students. When I finished it, I distinctly remember thinking it could all be summed up in six words – Just Believe You Can Do It.
My students often used to say, when I presented them with something difficult to study, “Sir (I miss being called Sir), I’ll never learn all that”. I would say “Are you sure, what about, if I give you 1 million pounds?” I stopped short of putting my little finger in the corner of my mouth Dr. Evil style, as I didn’t want humour to dilute my point. They always gave the same reply – “well obviously I would learn it for a million pounds”. To which I would reply, “So it is only the lack of financial incentives which is stopping you”. They would say “Look, if you are not giving me a million pounds I am not doing it”. I was a great teacher huh?
Anyway, the point I am making (in a very bad way) is, I was obviously not interested and therefore not motivated in working out the division of money between the band members, well either that, or I am a bit thick.
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February 21st, 2008
Well, yesterday’s blog was getting a bit heavy; finding those old notes brought back memories which I now want to forget if I am to stick with my “no looking back” policy.
Anyway, today I am going to do something different for you.
You know that point, where as a parent, you are too tired to read to your child, and you say “wouldn’t you like to watch Finding Nemo again”, and you put on the DVD? Well this blog is the adult equivalent of that. What I mean by that is, I would love to write a full blog of over 500 words, however, wouldn’t you just like to see some funny clips I have chosen from youtube? Of course you would.
I realise that in the past my youtube links have not taken you to comedy clips; that is, unless you are so disrespectful of the King, that you laughed at Elvis’s karate moves – shame on you.
Anyway, here are the clips; I think you will find them very funny. This first clip is from the hottest show at last year’s Edinburgh festival. The big guy is called Greg Davies (he looks like a giant Rik Mayall). Greg used to be a Drama teacher. I guess there must be two types of Drama teacher; the ones that inhale for affect, and hold their faces and make expressions as if acting is really really difficult, and the other type, who are just mental like Greg. Enjoy it anyway; they are called We are Klang. Glad you liked it.
How about Jim Carrey at a dinner for Meryl Streep? This clip gets a bit sycophantic at times but there is a bit in the middle where it is just pure “Pet Detective”. Hope you like it, here is Jim Carrey
Now eat that ice cream and I’ll show you the mirror scene from the Marx Brothers.
Ok time for bed.
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February 20th, 2008
Ever since I started to work for myself I have hardly ever thought of my past career as a college teacher. In fact, not looking back is just dandy, and I would recommend it to others wanting to move on in life. In the early days of my leaving secured employment, people often asked if I missed teaching. I found it hard to believe that they had even asked that question. Stockholm syndrome is a real possibility in teaching, but surely they could see me running free.
I mean, you wouldn’t ask an escaping prisoner, who had been tunnelling for 20 years, if he wished he could go back. Anyway, the other day I found some notes which suggested I myself had been “tunnelling” for years in my attempt to escape.
The notes were meant to be used as material on stage. The handwritten notes were made when I was still teaching but obviously trying to get out, well subconsciously at least. These were the days when I was teaching by day and performing by night in comedy clubs. It sounds tiring, it never was. The natural high from a great gig always takes ages to wear off, so driving home from Manchester was a breeze. A few hours sleep and then the thought of doing it all again, well after a full day of teaching, was strangely refreshing and exciting.
Anyway, these notes I found, contained material, which as I mentioned, I had intended to use on stage in those early try out days. I noticed that I had a page and a half of school based observations and jokes, and yet I never used any of this material on stage, ever. I think the reason was I just felt I wanted to move on, and that meant forgetting the past. I assume, it is a bit like, the writing of an angry letter to someone who has annoyed you, and then not posting it. The actual writing (but not sending) process is meant to be very cathartic. So, in a similar fashion, it must have worked for me because one year after writing those notes (yes the notes were dated in the corner – that OCD is useful after all) I was off “the lead” and pursuing my present passion (comedy and magic, come on keep up).
I have mentioned in previous blogs the great work done by teachers and I would never have a word said against them. Trying to rationalise with children who arrive at school already high on drugs takes some patience and is deserving of really good pay.
And there were good times I suppose: the really good kids, the really good staff, the five a side games, the holidays obviously and the use of the long pole to open the top windows.
Oh, and the nicknames the kids gave the teachers. One teacher called Bruce, used to give the punishment of writing out two sheets of A4 front and back. His nickname was……….. Bruce Foursides. Not bad, but I am still glad to be out. Anyway, that is probably the reason I never used those notes, either that, or they were rubbish.
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February 19th, 2008
What could be more British than to talk about the weather – and to think, I have been wasting this material at bus stops for years when I could have been giving you the tedious details in word form in my blog.
So, here goes, there was a beautiful sunrise today apparently; my wife had run down to the beach to see it (well not for that reason). Anyway, that is how great the weather is at the moment. My wife is a full time athlete (not really but it seems that way – and no, I am not complaining) who is in training for another marathon. You are right, there really is no need!
While I am on the subject, we are both still taking suggestions as to which charity we should adopt (my wife for her needless running and me for my pointless blog – I don’t think I am selling this as well as I could). When we decide (hopefully with your help) I will put a link from my site to the chosen charity website. That way, you can give to the charity directly, and then inform me of how much. I in return, I will post your names on my website in a type face reflecting the donation e.g. £50 will be type size 28, £2 will be type size 12. Not that that is the reason you give to charity, unless of course you are sanctimonious. Which, if that is the case, that is fine too, I am sure the charity will be chuffed either way.
Anyway, back to the weather. It has been like the South of France. I was in London last week walking along the embankment and people were sitting on park benches enjoying the sun and very strong cider at 10a.m. – you can’t tell me that happens everyday. I wonder if business men rushing to work (and their first heart attack) see these guys and think, “screw the Zurich deal I am taking a 3 hour lunch”. In fact, today, on the radio a leading psychologist said that we are all working too hard and heading for disaster. I know, I for one, am not taking that chance.
On Sunday we were out with friends in the alpine sunshine of the Tyne Valley. You see that, putting the words, alpine and valley in the same sentence conjures up images of skiing and Wham videos. Well, we walked along the River Tyne – oh! Not so glamorous now you think, but you are wrong; the North is great – well when the sun shines.
I even like those weather expressions which are specific only to Britain (I assume due to our prevailing south westerly winds). Expressions such as:
Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.
Red sky in the morning: Shepherd’s warning.
Black sky in the morning: Oh No, I have got up too early again.
Anyway, I haven’t got time to talk about the weather I have things to do; now where is that off license?
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February 16th, 2008
So, if you remember from yesterday, I was in fear of my best laid plans being sabotaged. Well, one London train had been cancelled and so now the passengers of two London trains had to fit onto my London train, with seat allocation no longer applying. And more bad news, the train was only going to Darlington and then they are “laying on” coaches to take us to York. But surely my plans (being meticulous) would obviously allow for this delay. You see what I mean about pride before a fall?
The train was very crowded so I decide to stand, as it was only until Darlington and I had luggage. You know that train announcement which says “Can you make sure you have all of your possessions with you” well I think this lady on the train had taken this literally and gone home to get everything she owned. We all had to help her with her stuff (I mean stuff not just suitcases) but we forgave her, as her babies were cute and well behaved.
Some people overreacted to being inconvenienced but most were, as the youngsters say, cool with it (get your own words and hairstyles will you). Some people had mentioned the words, nightmare and disaster on their mobiles, but come on, it wasn’t either of those– it just means we will be late, so what, there are loads of things worse than being late.
When we got to Darlington (and were standing on a ramp in an orderly queue) some people, realised they were going to miss their connections and so had started to complain to the officials, who were all doing their best and ushering us onto the coaches.
Then, out of nowhere, appeared a very large lady. She was walking up the other ramp away from us with her low slung jeans slipping down to her thighs and so exposing her bottom and her thong. Let’s just say, the tail of the whale was well out of the water. It was as if is someone was cramming two world globes into a very small bag. I don’t know why it was such an amusing sight, but it was. The people who were complaining to the officials actually saw this bizarre vision before everyone else and started to smile very broadly (they were English and so they stopped short of laughing). We (the non-complainers, who were being nosey and were listening to and watching the complainers) could not understand why anyone complaining should start to smile mid-sentence, I mean it made no sense. Then, of course, we spotted the slipping fashion faux pas. We all started to smile. I remember the officials looking at us all very strangely, half smiling themselves as if to say “What, have I got a bit of snot?”
Maybe the Middle East situation could be resolved with a little hilarity caused by something similar to the lady with slipping pants. Although in hindsight (get it?) the Gaza strip is not as exciting as it sounds and the people there are not known for their love of expanses of flesh.
Then came the announcement that we could all get compensation as our train is going to be really late. The announcement was as follows: “passengers who feel they have been inconvenienced by the delay in our service today, can claim by picking up a compensation form, unfortunately we have no forms left”. Even the people who hadn’t smiled at the unfortunate lady smiled at that one.
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February 12th, 2008
If you have read my latest news for February, on my home page, you will know about my “pride before a fall” fears. I would even say that this applies to everyday stuff. You know, the kind of things we try to plan for, but ultimately have no control over. Take today for instance:
With my meticulous plans made, I set off for London, no need for a taxi I had checked the weather (told you they were meticulous); it is a very sunny (15 degrees) February day. The walk to the station, of course, being part of my “built into life” fitness programme, I mentioned in an earlier blog.
I get to the metro station and buy a ticket as my train just comes into view. I have the right money; no ticket machine malfunction. Perfect, I step onto the train as if I had just ordered an over elaborate stretch yellow taxi. I sit down right next to the place where luggage can be stored, how convenient is that? The lad sitting next to me has an ipod, and how thoughtful is this? I can’t hear the buzzing noise from it, that is how good a day it is. What could possibly go wrong?
The lad does have one of those Rod Stewart 1971 haircuts that seem to be all the rage with the modern teenagers. Why they can’t get their own original haircuts, I mean! I never had a Glenn Miller haircut in the 70’s, and that would have been the equivalent of a thirty year old, out of date, haircut then.
The train crosses the bridge and Newcastle looks brilliant – like a European capital, no, not because of the illiterate graffiti. In fact, with the strong sunlight, you could be mistaken for being in Sydney, as Sydney’s landmark bridge was also made by Dorman Long, the company which built the Tyne Bridge. And our new massive Sage music venue is not too dissimilar to their opera house. Although, we in the North East, don’t have a drink culture and are never disrespectful of our women, so we win there obviously.
I pick up my luggage to prepare to leave the train at Central Station. Now I have travelled the world and know that train etiquette is universal. That is, train passengers on the train alight first, and then and only then, do platform passengers step onto the train. So, I am about to step off, when three platform passengers try to push past me. As a reminder of the system I deliberately walk into them. I would just like to say in defence of all youngsters, that the people I carried on my elbows as I left the train were not teenagers but young men in their 20’s and 30’s. I think the fact that I moved in silence must have been quite threatening, as no one said anything. I resisted saying “Oh my God, doesn’t anyone have any manners” as I must have known it would sound like Frasier or Niles.
Was this a warning my ying was about to switch to my yang (it could be the other way round, I am not up on Buddhism). Either way the answer was yes – see part two tomorrow.
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February 5th, 2008
So, it is Super Tuesday, or as they say in England, Pancake Tuesday.
The contrast could not be greater between Super Tuesday and Pancake Tuesday.
Super Tuesday is the great wasting of resources whereas Pancake Tuesday is all about running with frying pans, well that and frugality. Super Tuesday is also when the race (without frying pans) for the White House becomes a bit more obvious, with many of the hopefuls deciding it is actually hopeless to keep on pitch-forking millions of dollars on their slim chance of ultimate power (see Britain’s Davis Cup odds to make a comparison on chances).
I am not sure I get why, just because you are rich you would want to run for the Presidency of the USA? If you think about it, apart from the front-runners, who are also rich (but obviously they were in with a shout right from the start) the others must have known their vanity projects would end prematurely. When you get so rich, is this really the last piece of your ego jigsaw? Has Doctor Evil (or the bloke who bought Newcastle Football Club) taught us nothing?
Anyway, the BBC are getting very excited over Super Tuesday. Why? I have no idea; I have been to America and they think Gordon Blair is in charge of the country Europe. So why, in this country, do we need to know about all their build up (the whole thing is set to run for full year yet); can’t we just adopt the airline policy of “wake me up if you have something for me”? So, enough already (I am not Jewish by the way – I just like the phrase) of candidates waving and spouting rhetoric. And really Barick, the best slogan you could come up with is “Change” - that 50 million dollars you spent on marketing is really paying off, then? Mind, having said that, McCain’s wife is really hot – so more pictures of her please.
That’s enough about America and Super Tuesday; let’s talk about what is happening in this country today on Pancake Day. The logic (and tradition) is to use up everything we have in our larders (that word doesn’t get used enough). And then of course to “go without something”, for 40 days. So, as Christians, we are able to empathise more with Jesus’ suffering for his 40 days in the desert*.
Let me run that past you again – the idea is to give stuff up – not to buy new stuff. Well the people in Asda were obviously not aware of their irony as they lined up to purchase “easy to use” pancake mix. This was not a short queue , in fact, it was longer than a roll-over lottery one. Judging by their trolleys of food they had all chosen to give up Broccoli.
*The 40 days time scale is used a lot in the Bible and apparently it was because many people 2,000 years ago could only count up to 40 – so when 40 is mentioned in the Bible it could have been even longer – who knows.
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December 30th, 2007
It is that time in between Christmas and New Year when I should be wasting my time watching the telly. But no, not me, I spend my time pretending to write new material for my stage act, while really surfing youtube clips to colour my blog, who is the loser now? (its rhetorical, thank you) .
August revisited with youtube clips - part 2
Well, did you watch “Barry Ryan – Eloise” on “youtube”? And do you think the cape will ever come back as a fashion item? Everything these days is retro, so why not? I reckon, that if they found the video of the cape wearing Elvis, and released that video along with the Eloise video, then people would start wearing capes. Who knows, it may even encourage people to ride horses while wearing their capes; that has got to be good for the environment.
It is strange that nowadays if someone doesn’t understand my “seasoned with age” thoughts, I can simply show them exactly what I am talking about by using the internet. What I mean is, years ago, we used to pass on knowledge to the next generation by sitting them down and telling them about the past. This worked, mainly because the children had attention spans, and did not have Wii to distract them. However, today, if somebody hasn’t your vision of a particular memory, you can implant it into their brain in a “Tom Cruise Minority Report” kind of way, simply by saying “click here” on youtube to see what I used to watch when I was a kid. So now we have the ability to bring everyone upto speed, making sure the next generation’s heads, are as full as mine with useless information: you can’t tell me that isn’t progress.
Oh, I will remember anything, really, facts like, in 1977 there were 450 Elvis impersonators in the world, in the year 2007 there are over 200,000 of them and if this trend continues by the year 2057 one in four of us will be an Elvis tribute (I strongly advise buying shares in cape manufacturing firms).
Talking again of Elvis, the question“which Elvis did you like?” is almost as perennial as the James Bond preference one. There was of course the holiday camp blazered Elvis (only shown above the waist) or the very pretty, all black leathered, Elvis – which after Sharleen Spiteri did that video, is just too confusing to watch. No, in my opinion, it has to be the “pork chop” side burned, towel wiping, karate inspired 70’s Elvis. I mean, what could be more manly than a white sequinned jump suit – no sexual ambiguity confusion there surely?
It is coming up to exactly 30 years since Elvis died at the (kind to his memory) age of 42. 95% * of Elvis’ appeal has to be his, looking like, he was really enjoying himself entertaining those people. Charisma is impossible to break down – it is all the little things added up I suppose; the way he joked with the band, his eyes disappearing when he smiled etc (I am not gay by the way).
There are plenty of people (and comedians) who have made “ageist” fun of the fact that they would not like to see Elvis at 72. But to me, it should never be about age. No, it is about the performer still wanting to do it; and that life force can transcends age. Ok, he might have to pass the microphone over to his younger backing singer to hit that difficult final note, but as long as he was enjoying himself and he was throwing in a few karate moves, we’d all be happy wouldn’t we? I could be wrong of course.
*arbitrary percentage made up on the spot
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December 30th, 2007
I have just been contacted by a friend, who wanted to show another friend a blog I had written in the summer. This particular blog had mentions of youtube clips but I had not added links. Anyway, I found the blog he was talking about, and decided to add the links to youtube in order to show younger readers what the past was really like. So, think of this blog as a repeat with extra editor’s material, a bit like Bladerunner - the director’s cut.
Anyway, here is the original with the youtube links added - hope you enjoy it.
August 2007 Revisited with youtube links.
I was working the other night on the same bill as a band: one member of this band had been responsible for that “dance remix”, of the 1977 song “Thunder in my heart”, that was so popular last year. I told him I loved that record (leaving it up to him to decide whether I actually liked his little version or the original masterpiece by the great Leo Sayer). Most of these recordings where “they” lazily choose a classic song and then, talk over the top of it, are, how can I say this? – Oh yes, shit. I mean, my dad used to talk over “Top of the Pops” when I was trying to record it with my microphone and spool to spool, but I never thought “I must release this as a single”.
Anyway it turns out he was a very nice guy and not just because he really enjoyed my performance. We talked in the one changing room (to be used by both sexes, it did have a sink, mirror and seat so I wasn’t complaining). As we were ushered out of this laughable green room by the female member of the band wanting to get changed (yes, we could have just looked the other way, that is what I thought) we talked about music. I told him of my love of the classics from the 1960’s and 70’s: for example: Neil Diamond, Glen Campbell and Barbara Streisand (oh yes, I was bullied).
I told him I also love records which have great introductions, for example, “Thunder in my heart” (he was probably still undecided which version I meant). Yes, I love a song which starts with a massive, completely over the top, intro and then, actually has the audacity to deliver. Records like the “Rocky theme (Gonna fly now) and *Eloise by Barry Ryan (and to a lesser extent) Macarthur Park, open brackets, someone left the cake out in the rain, close brackets (it is actually just, “Macarthur Park” but I know you like doing a Jimmy Saville impression). And talking of impressions, don’t even get me started on the fantastic “The wonder of you” by Elvis.
Imagine being out in the fresh air, running up concrete steps with the backdrop of an industrial wasteland, listening to the Rocky theme or Eloise by Barry Ryan (there is a slow bit in the middle – perfect for getting your breath back, if you are not that fit). Although, I wouldn’t recommend Macarthur Park, as you would probably just sit on the steps sobbing.
I can’t wait for Channel Four to make another one of those “talking head” shows (that is the industry name for that genre of programme). It would have to be titled something like “The Top 100 “over the top” records which make you either cry or feel ridiculously optimistic”. I will probably get asked to say something witty like “if only Richard Harris had an A4 folder to keep his recipes in, he could have made the cake again” or maybe not.
Now you will have to forgive me, I am off to buy some new trainers.
*“Barry Ryan – Eloise”, tell me how that is the best record you have ever heard. The video doesn’t even need the Peter Kay treatment. It is all there already, the Austin Powers’ hair and shirt – hellfire, he even has a horse and a cape.
Also to see Elvis do his karate moves, click here Elvis
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December 29th, 2007
Ok, I will be frank with you, this is not really a blog entry, it is in fact a list of FAQs about bookings - hopefully the next blog, my first of 2008 will be a cracker - however, until then, you may want to skip this one, unless you are thinking of booking me some time soon, if that is the case this blog may be informative and useful for you.
So here goes, because I am playing more and more varied performances (e.g. stage comedy and close up magic), I thought it may be useful for potential clients to know what conditions will make their function a great success. So, here is a list of questions I am frequently asked.
FAQ1: What do I need to provide for Don, if I book him for a close up magic performance?
The short answer is, very little.
The slightly longer answer is, just a set up area (i.e. somewhere to leave his case, away from the guests) and an orange juice is generally enough. Hotel accommodation and food may be required depending on the location of the function.
FAQ2: So, what do I need to organise for Don to perform on stage to over 100 guests?
Well, ideally the following would make the gig a great success:
A raised up platform or stage with really good sightlines. So, watch out for those over elaborate table centre pieces or pillars which can restrict viewing.
Make sure the catering staff are informed, Don will be performing just after the coffees & brandies are served – hopefully the wait staff could also be informed to wait until Don finishes his performance, before finishing the clearing up.
For all the guests to enjoy the show, the P.A. system should be industry standard, such as Shure equipment. Don can work with any mike with a long lead, however, a radio mike, either a lapel or an “over the cheek” type, would be excellent. A DJ’s mike or the hotel’s mike is not good in a room with over 150 guests and should not be used.
The stage area should have good front lighting, and if possible, a spot light to follow the action on stage.
There should also be a method of playing Don’s “intro and exit” stage music (ipod).
If Don is performing to over 200 guests, a live video feed of the performance is required. This is so the guests at the back of the room can see the large video screens of the action on the stage.
Hotel room and expenses would be appreciated – unless Don has already informed you that his price includes these costs.
FAQ3: is Don insured? – Yes, through Equity’s Public Liability insurance
for 5 million pounds.
FAQ4: How do I book Don for a function?
The best way is to telephone Don, so you can work out the details and decide what would be the best for your function. Or, there is a contact page on http://www.donmoses.co.uk/contact_magician_uk.htm and a form to fill out if you prefer to do that, but why would you, when you could be having a lovely chat with Don instead.
Normal blogs will resume soon.
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December 16th, 2007
Has anything ever gone wrong when you are on stage at a large corporate event?
That is a very good FAQ. The answer of course should be never. Why? Because I check everything, always more than twice, and then slightly less than the worst ever recorded case of OCD. And also, because I try to arrange the conditions in the room, well before I get to the gig – so what could possibly go wrong?
Well, I will tell you.
1. Bad sound equipment with electrical feedback so bad it sounds like your gig is being hijacked by dolphins.
2. The radio lapel (or “over your cheek”) mike you ordered is not there, or if it is there, no one knows how to set it up in the system.
3. The sound engineer doesn’t turn up, and a good natured hotel staff member says, “I’ll have a go – how difficult can it be?”
4. Corporate dinners mean large circular tables; which also means 50% of the audience have their backs to the stage, which is fine and I can work with that, as at the end of the dinner, the chairs can be turned to face the stage. However, then you are told everything is running late and the organiser says: “Could you perform during the meal?”? Yes, of course, shall I start the show with “Hi, my name is Don Moses – now if all of the 150 people with their backs to me, yes! you! could you pick up your Gordon Ramsey Plates, swivel around in your seat and place the plate on your knees. That’s right, TV dinner style that would be perfect?” It is not going to happen.
Sarcasm aside, I pride myself on being a meticulous planner and a relaxed performer. I really do want the whole show to look easy. The expression in magic is, like “a swan on a lake”. It should look easy going and effortless on the surface, but beneath, everything is going crazy. Well some gigs, because of the obstacles presented, can make the swan a little bit flustered.
I have actually worked with big named TV comedians (I have been doing the close up magic at the tables earlier in the evening and then stopped to watch the end of dinner entertainment) who have died on their showbiz bottoms simply because of the layout of the room. I have also seen true professionals (mainly excellent stand up comedians who are gigging 300 times a year) battle on against all these adverse conditions, as if racing against the clock in a Buckaroo game, and then just getting off the stage before the collapse. You have got to admire that.
I can tell you that most entertainers are in the business because we love performing and we want the audience to have a great time. Sure, we get paid a fortune for corporate gigs, but if we had the choice of a well paid bad gig or a fantastic gig for less money, would we choose the lesser paid fantastic gig? Yes, you bet we would.
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December 14th, 2007
I believe we came out of the sea.
Yes, I have just picked up the newspaper to see John Darwin, the Hartlepool / Panama resident (very strong arms) is still news. People are already saying his life is in ruins. No, not at all, this is England, a place, were doing something wrong is the best publicity in the world. The general public are such idiots and will always buy newspapers and lap up such stories, just like I am doing now. No, in my opinion, he has come back to England because he has spent the insurance money and is now trying to cash in on the lucrative corporate after dinner entertainment circuit, stealing the work from honest comedy magicians. Well, I can tell you Mister Darwin it is “survival of the fittest” out there. Ok, that is quite enough tenuous word play on his name. It is a strange case though isn’t it? I wonder why he did it. Was the thought of living in Hartlepool for the rest of his life too much for him? Where did he get the idea from? I suppose we will never know. I wonder if just writing a blog now I could solve this riddle.
Anyway, it is first thing in the morning – when I say first thing, I mean 9:15 a.m. obviously. I am staying over in the hotel in which I will be performing tonight, so I have the whole day to myself, and therefore should be able to manage to write at least one blog entry, surely?
It’s a crisp day; cold but the air is still, and so perfect for my new fitness programme. After a great breakfast (very good hotels rarely mess up on breakfast) I will work on my stand up comedy script for a company dinner at the weekend, then I will go for a walk, followed by a swim and steam at the Hotel’s Leisure Club, then prepare for this evening’s gig. What could possibly go wrong with that plan? – hold on a minute “to buy or not to buy” is on the telly.
OK, now I am now running late, so I will go for the walk first, to see if I can observe anything on my travels which will switch my brain into comedic mode; so that when I get back I can go straight into my script for Saturday’s gig. Now that’s a plan.
The hotel is called the confusing name of the Slough / Windsor Marriott. It is a strange name for a hotel – I am guessing it is actually in Slough, but the hotel wanted to jazz up the title by adding the Windsor bit, so making it less Ricky Gervais’ office and more somewhere the Queen would stay.
Anyway, outside the hotel I find myself strangely in a place called Langley. Now, I have always thought that Eastenders was rubbish and not at all reflective of live in the Capital. I am not wrong, it is rubbish, but Langley does have a plethora of small shops and greasy cafes (much like Eastenders) where people seem to know each other and speak Cock in knee (yes, that is how you spell it, and the spell check agrees – so shut it you slag!– sorry, just the thought of Eastenders does that to me).
Visiting and walking around the various parts of the UK, I often wonder why some shops thrive and others don’t; I guess it is really to do with the proximity of their nearest Supermarket. In the North of England, because there is more land we have lots of Supermarkets, and therefore our small village shops are very “hitty missy” with virtually no cafes and yet many charity shops. There is always that strange incongruent mix of shops too (a bit like the shoe repair shops that also cut keys). Today, I saw a bookies’ shop which was right next door to a firm of divorce lawyers, which makes sense I suppose, and not as strange as that life insurance and canoe shop I saw in Hartlepool. Hey wait a minute…..
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December 8th, 2007
I am writing this blog travelling back on the train from London in early December, where I performed at a lavish corporate function for a Russian Gas pipeline company and its’ international directors. More about that party in a later blog, however, I thought I’d let you know about my time in the States, particularly Las Vegas.
I have been many times to Las Vegas, but never to gamble; my theory being, great hotels surely wouldn’t get built if people were actually winning. No, I go for the shows, the restaurants, and the sun by the pool during the day. Sounds great and it is, although I have never chanced more than four days in a row, just in case I get tempted.
Being at the Las Vegas Comedy Festival, I found the time to see Jerry Seinfeld at the Colosseum. As I am a massive Seinfeld fan I was really pleased to see this American icon; he did not disappoint. I loved the fact he could make me laugh without swearing. Strangely enough, I also saw Chris Rock, who made me laugh by swearing all the time; this shows there are no rules for comedy; if it is funny it is funny.
What really surprised me was Chris Rock’s show shouldn’t have worked. Men are different from women – really? Black people are different from white – well it is not 1960 but ok then, I believe you. Airline problems – that can’t be new stuff? In a UK comedy club that set list would have sounded like a mundane show, but Chris Rock’s show was excellent and all done on attitude. The swearing was also needed to sell his attitude, and the F word peppered nearly every sentence of his hour long show and yet still we laughed like drains. Chris Rock has the ability to talk about such topics with such confidence that we go with him, but he will always add a clever slant to the topic, which stops it being a rant anyone could have done. I think this fact alone singles him out as a great writer and performer.
While in Vegas I thought I would see David Copperfield. Now I know a lot of magicians read this blog, so let me start with the positives. The illusions in the show were great and the audience reaction was subdued amazement – so they clearly had no idea how the effects were done. Again, only for magicians: I liked the way the audience were randomly picked when it did not matter and, it “appeared they were randomly picked” when it did matter.
OK, now the negatives – boy, did he look bored by it all, as he walked through his illusions, not helped (or even hindered) by his low energy delivery. His humour was lacking in comedic timing and in my opinion bordering on seedy. His hair was unnatural and Uri Geller black; having said all that, it was still an impressive show, although for his age he would have been better in a great suit instead of his white T shirt and open Ben Sherman shirt. Magic this classy deserves all the trimmings not a bloke who looks like he is on a stag night in Blackpool.
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