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December 7th, 2007
Ok, I agree, that was a bit of a holiday from the blog. So, thank you to all the people who said they were looking forward to the blog starting up again.
I think I mentioned in the last blog (let’s face it, you have had plenty of time to read that one) that men were very bad at multi-tasking;. Well, since that last blog, I have added the extra task of attempting to get fit, to my list. Run, cycle, swim, you name it, I fought against nature and did them all. Of course something had to give, and it was, unfortunately, my well intentioned daily blog writing. So for the last two months I have eaten sensibly and exercised everyday, instead of writing the blog.
Anyway, the blog is back, spurred on by your requests to start it up again, but mainly due to the fact that filming is over. So, my healthy lifestyle has ground to a halt, thus freeing up some spare time. It is a shame I can’t keep fit and write a blog, and that is why I have thought up a plan to achieve both.
My plan is simple- I will get as much exercise naturally, by making the exercise part of my day to day life, so that I will still have time to write a blog. For example, if I am going into town for a meeting or gig I will get off the underground three stops before, and walk. What could possibly go wrong with that plan? Bad weather - no problem, no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes. Running late - no problem - gig time 9pm, pretend it is 7pm. Too much to carry - hire a donkey.
I was in New York in November and really got into the walking. Staying in Midtown Manhattan meant I was perfectly positioned for walking everywhere. One day I walked almost the length of Manhattan - I was up by Central Park and I went to see my good friend Bruce Nichol who works in the Tribeca area of lower Manhattan . New York must be the best city in the world for walking; so much to see, and not just the models coming out of the agencies on Madison Avenue.
I felt like Forrest Gump when he just kept on running for no reason. The very next day I was walking everywhere, choosing routes to challenge myself, taking the long way round to get to that evening’s comedy club. I obviously got taxis back from the comedy clubs, as I am not an idiot (and I have seen the film “Ghost”- although to be fair, you will recall the “Swayze killing” wasn’t the random killing it appeared to be).
Walking everywhere is great - I don’t know why I haven’t thought of it before. Anyway, I will let you know how I get on. However, if the blogs tend to be very long and/or very good you will know it is probably not working and my podgy fingers are bashing away on the keyboard.
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September 15th, 2007
Here is a weird thing. I am not able to lift anything heavy - I will spare you the manly joke which usually follows that set up line - you know the one? Sure you do. It is the one which implies the very opposite of why men buy sports cars. I have a sports car, so it is not a very realistic joke coming from me anyway. Look I am not explaining ,ok? So anyway, I can’t even lift the kettle and I should really be resting. Perfect you would think? This will be an ideal time for me to keep up to date with my blog. But no. I don’t know how this has happened, but I seem to have slipped behind with my daily writing target*
There is that expression, which states: “if you want something doing, give the task to a busy man because the man of leisure has no time”. I am annoyed with this adage, and not just because it seems a little sexist. I am annoyed because, even though I know this saying, and therefore should be able to fight against it, I seem to have fallen in to its’ trap. Not to mention, the saying which goes: “a job will always expand to fill the time available for it”. Since there are at least two sayings warning us of the dangers of thinking we have loads of time to do stuff and then doing sod all, does make me think it is only human nature to kick back when we get the chance. So I should not be too hard on myself and I am recovering, but hell, I have been lazy this week.
This is how lazy I was the other day, I was wanting to listen to fellow comedian, Mark Watson’s Radio 4 show, which strangely enough was about the deadly sin of sloth, and I could not even be bothered to switch on the radio. The only thing I have seen on DVD has been all the back episodes of “Heroes”, which I never thought I would get around to viewing, well, without using my superpower of reversing time to watch them all.
I know what I should have done of course, and that is, to focus on one thing at a time - this should be easy as I am a man and therefore can’t multi-task. I do love it that the TV programmes think that men can multitask. Let me tell you, Sky Sports News, if you are expecting me to do the maths on Sunderland’s relegation chances, I will be requiring the ugly newsreader. And what is the point of the “stock market type” news running along the bottom of the screen. It isn’t even breaking news; you might as well have the captions - Jose pretends to be a tramp and beats up Fergie, or these breasts are magnificent aren’t they - yes they are real.
What was I talking about?
*Although I am certain my very good start in July, to the blog writing, will be keeping my average at over 500 words ever day.
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September 11th, 2007
I did not sleep very much last night, as I had my hernia operation yesterday.
By the way, the more observant of you will have noticed that I have missed a week of blogs. Well, I feel I am doing so well with these blogs* that I have decided to take a week off. We self employed answer to no one (well, obviously the tax man).
Anyway, last week I was enjoying the Indian summer, and I had made a late bid at getting fit for the operation, by swimming three mornings in a row. I was also doing as many shows as I could, in preparation of my (hopefully short) layoff, due to the operation. I have passed the jobs I would normally have been doing, on to colleagues, who will reciprocate later in the year when I am fit (a gentle reminder there). You see, life doesn’t have to be cut throat.
Talking of cuts, I don’t want to be one of those people who talk about their operation. However, I will say, it seems to have gone well. Although, I am in agony today just writing this blog – but then again, I am a man, and so my pain threshold is ludicrously low.
I would also like to say, that the surgeon was very reassuring. Before the operation he explained everything so well, and I was filled with confidence, that he would be meticulous enough, not to leave anything inside of me after clipping up (they don’t use stitches these days). He must have been very good, because after the explanation, he returned to my ward to pick up the pen he had been using for the paperwork – and I still had faith in him.
The pre-operation nurses were also brilliant. Customer relations must be at its’ very best for people who are about to go in for surgery. I was not disappointed; the ladies were very upbeat, and again put me at ease. I love to see people really enjoying their jobs.
All systems seemed to be in place and they were very thorough with the form filling. When I was asked which religion, I resisted saying “All of them, I don’t want to be caught out on a technicality”. I treat hospital questions the same way as I treat airline security questions, seriously.
I had a general anaesthetic** for the operation. Two hours later, I returned to the ward talking gibberish (the effects of the anaesthetic I guess) and feeling as if I had been stabbed in the abdominals (which I guess I had).
Surgeons are like Super-Heroes who turn up, solve the problem, and leave unnoticed. It takes years to train to be a surgeon and I like the thought of that. It is a bit different from a stand up comedian, who even on his first time on stage, is introduced as a funny comedian.
Anyway, he did not strike me as the type who just wandered in and said, “Any one could do this, give me that knifey thing”.
*I am writing nearly 700 words per day – I had promised 500 per day, so, by my maths, I am about 9 to 10 blogs ahead, and so still on target for 182,500 words in the year – that is 500 per day for 365 days.
**I decided not to try the being awake self hypnosis – I suppose I could have checked that the surgeon was performing the operation and wasn’t just doing the old Penn and Teller Psychic surgery trick. Only a magician would think this way.
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September 3rd, 2007
It is Monday morning 8:53 a.m. Last night I did not wear the airline blackout mask, and yet I didn’t get woken up at 6 a.m. Usually, the gap down the side of the blinds and the sunlight combine to produce a laser beam effect which ends up on my retinas with sniper accuracy. Since this did not happen, it must be cloudy, or because summer is nearly over, the position of the earth in relation to the sun has changed.
Yes, we are heading for autumn, which means my subconscious mind has reminded my conscious mind that I used to teach in schools and colleges. The start of September means that the children will soon be back at school. It would be good for the kids to go back to school, so as our (world renowned and enviably low) murder rate can return to normal – and yes, I am still blaming the overrunning Big Brother series.
People (and other teachers) often say, teaching is a great job, which it is. But then they follow up by saying, no two days are ever the same – yes they are, nearly all of them in fact. Well, that is how it appeared to me as I was leaving teaching all those years ago. Don’t get me wrong, teaching is a wonderful profession and I have taught in the very best and the worst of places. The best were a real joy, the worst, the equivalent of self harm.
It would be easy to say I left teaching because of the above; however, it is simply not true. The truth was, I had always wanted to write and perform comedy. I’ll rephrase that, I was driven to write and perform comedy; I say driven because it felt as if I had no control over it. The only problem being, when, was I was going to get my arse into gear and do it?
For years, I had admired comedians who could walk out on stage, grab the microphone out of the stand, and then perform for an hour; however, it was only when I read an article by Jerry Seinfeld, that I realised the time was right for me to take the first step towards that goal. It was a particular paragraph in this article which made me immediately book myself an “open mike” spot at a local comedy club.
Anyway, here is the part of the article, which got my arse into gear and started my new career. So, without building it up too much, here is my moment of epiphany. Oh yes, that is not too much build up Don.
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking, Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the coffin than doing the eulogy” *.
I am not sure why this article acted as my fillip for action, but it did.
They do say, you should always be preparing for your next job while you are still at your present job. And that is exactly what I did. I started writing comedy immediately, stopping only occasionally to look up and set homework for the pupils**.
*I am certain, judging by the comedic sentence structure, that this bit of the article was also a part of Jerry Seinfeld’s comedy set from the early 1990’s.
** I felt the need to shoe horn in that last joke, as I have realised that when I talk about comedy it can get a bit serious. Yes, it is a joke, I was very professional at college.
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September 2nd, 2007
I hope you enjoyed Rob, our decorator, standing in for me yesterday. That is right, he is a nice bloke. I haven’t read his blog entry yet; I hope he didn’t just bang on about my poor sanding techniques, or the fact that the “spell check” keeps second guessing him.
Well, it is Sunday morning and the house looks fresh* unlike me. I was using trains and taxis as my method of transport last night, so by law, had to have a drink. Yes, after the gig, not before; see my blog on dangers of this.
I met up with my wife and friends and only had a few drinks (not several, I can’t be more specific than that surely); so must be a bit out of practise. I used to over indulge, however, nowadays I am a real born again sober** and sanctimoniously frown on you heavy drinkers. I think this is because I look back on all the time I wasted as a youth (youth age ends at 43, right?).
Don’t even get me started on why anyone would want to do drugs. I remember being asked when I was a kid, if I wanted to take some drugs (I don’t know which type of drug it was, as I have not done a degree, in names used as euphemisms for illegal drugs). The guy said I should try it because, I would be able to sit around with my friends laughing about things which weren’t even funny; I told him I had that one covered, thanks.
I don’t take drugs but I have seen all the adverts for the use of drugs provided by the media. I particularly like the one which says “take drugs and you get to go out with Kate Moss”. If I were a youngster today, I would be seriously confused and possibly think drugs are an option; what with recently discovering the Lynx deodorant does not live up to its’ advert’s promise.
Last year, I was going to a stand up comedy gig in London. I can’t remember the tube stop, but it comes out at the appropriately named “World’s End” public house, frequented by Goths. It could have been North London, I am never quite sure of my Norths and Souths in London, what with the Thames being so curly (you have seen the start of Eastenders). Anyway, as I left the tube station, in the space of two minutes, I was approached four times by badly dressed people, mumbling “do you want some “mumble mumble / obscure euphemism” drugs?”***. They could not have been more obvious if they had a cardboard sign on a stick, with the word “Golf” crossed out, and the word Drugs written in its’ place. I mean, how can’t we stop this kind of behaviour in the UK? Now if you excuse me I am off to buy my Daily Mail.
*I haven’t told my wife that Rob did all the things on my “to do, when I get time” list. However, I don’t think she is reading my blog, so I should be able to pass them off as my handy work. I don’t want her thinking I wasted my money on my leather tool belt.
** Well, I say sober, not quite – a bit like a vegetarian who eats fish.
*** My friend Patrick Monahan does a great bit in his comedy set, about a guy asking him, if he would like to buy a skunk.
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September 1st, 2007
Hi, Rob the decorator here. Don can’t come to the blog right now, what with it being the weekend. He said, he was going to give a lecture on escapology and he couldn’t get out of it. “Sniff, sniff” that smells like a joke, no just the emulsion, but I think he was trying to be funny – quite good really, no wonder Don can command such exorb, exorba, sorry about this, as you can tell I am not used to standing in for Don. Wait a minute, these computers have a spell check, exorbitant - there you go. Blimey this blog thing is easy; I don’t even need to spell correctly. My job as a decorator is much more difficult, I mean, if I put the wallpaper on the wrong side down (believe me that anaglypta can be a bastard) I can’t just press “undo”.
Actually, I shouldn’t complain too much, as Don did hold the ladders on the exterior of the local Chinese restaurant “Wok this way”.
I seem to be getting a lot of those types of jobs recently; for example last week I did the flock wallpaper in the Indian restaurant “Balti Towers” and also did the graphics on the side of a minibus called “PG Trips”. And last year I was flown standard *class to Dublin, to redo the sign, for the magician who owns the Greek takeaway shop “Abracadabra”. I can’t believe it, I have just been overruled by the “Spell check” – I make the decisions, I wanted to say Abra Kebab ra – get it?
The guy who owns the Abra-kebabra (lets see how “spell check” deals with a hyphen) wishes he hadn’t called it this name though, as he gets a lot of drunks. Their favourite gag is saying “Now you see it, now you don’t” (magicians of course never tire of such comments** and laugh heartily as a rule, I would imagine) anyway, at this point the drunk eats all of the kebab in one go. He then promptly throws it up (Da darrr, a very messy prestige). That has got to wear thin after a while, for the proprietor. Next door at “Chews carefully” restaurant they have no such nonsense.
Anyway, I have been drafted in, to touch up the paintwork. Well that is the pretext, actually Don has left a list of jobs for me to complete; you know the kind of thing, fence repairs, shaving bottoms of doors etc. I am almost sure that Don will convince his wife that he actually did the jobs himself. Yes this is exactly the kind of thing he would do. He is really not very handy and he sands like a girl. I had to re-sand after his poor prep on the “Breakfast at Timothy’s” roadside caravan kitchen job.
Got to go now; I must say, it has been a pleasant change standing in for Don. I suppose comedy is a bit like painting: it is all in the preparation and you should always have a great finish, however, if people are laughing at you, you probably just have undercoat on your nose.
*I am not sure what an upgrade is, however, the Ryan air stewardess did drop two bags of peanuts. Result: peanuts F.O.C.
**I would also imagine that magicians love it, when you say to them, “Can you make my wife disappear?” – Why not try it next time you see a magician.
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August 31st, 2007
I enjoyed the festival more this year by dipping in and out of it, with my three days at a time visits. Many acts complain, saying the festival is about one week too long; if you are losing lots of money I assume it seems about three weeks too long. However, when you visit (as I do) it feels just about the right length of time. Sometimes it leaves me with wanting a bit more, but that is exactly how entertainment is meant to leave you.
This year I was covering the festival for magicweek.co.uk, and some magicians have told me, I have not reviewed as many (comedy or magic) shows as they thought I would. So for them, here are some more highs and lows of Edinburgh Festival 2007.
Well, I met up with Noel Qualter, Rob James and Alan Hudson. So between us we managed to see all the magic acts performing this year. Pete Firman, we have already discussed, was great. I also heard very good things about Chris Cox’s “Everything happens for a reason” and Dougie C’s “A brief history of magic”. However, the “All Star San Francisco comedy magic and more” show, did not live up to its grand (and promising a bit too much) title. Maybe it is too American; Anyway, I was told by a few people not to bother going, so I didn’t (there is only so much time).
The best new talent (by miles) was Pappy’s Fun Club; so good I can’t even do one of those “like someone hilarious crossed with someone else equally hilarious” explanations. That is how unique they were. Ok I will give it a shot – it is like Vic and Bob reigned in beautifully so as every sketch worked; only twice as good (there is four of them). Even if you did not get Vic and Bob you would still love PFC.
It seemed the theme this year was to do your normal show and then do a chat show. I imagine with so many TV industry people at the festival, the entertainer was trying to say to them, “Have you thought about a chat show? This is how it would look if I did a chat show”. I found this a little insulting, to actually pay to see a chat show. After all, we can all ask people questions and get the best out of our guests. It was only Parky who pretended for years that it was an exact science and that only he had the power. He used the “how many times people touched his leg” as his empirical evidence of his greatness. Terry Wogan surpassed Parky’s top score in 1985 with a very impressive 6 touches in one interview. Although Parky has never acknowledged the record, claiming Best was merely pissed.
Ok it is a very short blog today as I am rushing off and I want to catch up with some friends before I go. I will try to interview them to see how difficult it is.
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August 30th, 2007
Thursday, so before I set off for my gig I am going to do that tricky thing of fitting in errands before I go. I say tricky because Sunderland is a strange place at 11am on a weekday (it is my home town, so don’t be making jokes about gene pools, I know what you are like). No it is the length of queues at banks and post offices which are unpredictable and time variable. And I once stopped a shop lifter and had to give a statement to the police, which took hours. I learnt my lesson from that day, and now I would simply work out a quick “cost versus my time” type calculation. I am not sure how it would work, but if they were running out of a pound shop I probably wouldn’t bother.
So I am standing in the post office; there is a long queue, no worries, I will simply observe the queue and then I will have something to say in this blog. It will be a quick queue anyway, as there are not many tartan shopping trolleys.
They say that age creeps up on you. I can see why people feel the need to disguise their age (I am one of them I guess). We buy clothing (after much deliberation) which takes a few years off and we don’t buy items which make us look older (tartan shopping trolleys being a good example). Hence the expression 50 is the new 30. I do wonder if this is true. My wife has just bought me slippers, so maybe 50 is the new 80.
It is true; my wife has bought me slippers. She (not having my ostrich approach to health) has actually read the detail in the letter that has come from the hospital, and it clearly stated (I missed it obviously) that I am to take my slippers (those will be the ones I don’t have then). My wife has used her own approach to purchasing footwear and brought a few examples to try on. I choose the first pair, no procrastination on that one.
This is a down side of age but the up side is, I qualify for cheap car insurance. I wonder how old you have to be, before the insurers stop being “price friendly” to the older driver. I guess it is the age when you go into a showroom and say “have you got a car with less mirrors? I don’t tend to use them these days”.
Anyway, I am now at the front of the queue and with my Road Fund Tax paid, the lady asks me, if I shop around for my car insurance, because if I do, Peter will talk me through the Post Office’s deal. I say, not normally to the shopping around question, and yes, as long as it doesn’t take too long and only if you are very competitive and therefore able to save me money, to the “talk through” bit.
It takes a long time; how do people have the patience to shop around? The questions just go on and on. So much so, when he says, “has the car had any changes or improvements made on it, in the last year” I resist saying “well I did hoover the glove compartment”.
It turns out my present quote is actually cheaper than the Post Office deal by £230 and Peter says “shall I print out the quote or shall I send it to you by email?”, and “is there anything else I can help you with?
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August 29th, 2007
So, it is the Wednesday morning after the bank holiday, and back to normal; I was going to say back to the routine, but in the past, I have tended not to have a routine. That is, until now, as I fully intend to write for the first hour in bed every morning. Yes, even when I am working away, the hotel maid will just have to work around me.
I am aware that being self employed you can please yourself; no one is demanding you be in a shirt and tie at 8am , however, there can be the tendency to let things slip. For example, I have not shaved since Monday morning (and probably won’t until Thursday’s gig) but surely it is more important I get some comedy writing done rather than worry about personal grooming. Perhaps I do need routine.
So what else could I do to start this new routine; I could go for a run and pick up some small items from Morrisons. This is time management at its best. I will get my notes scribbled down (I can type them up later), and then I will go for a run to (and along) the beach and call into Morrisons on the sea front. This really is a very good routine; something creative followed by some practical exercise, oh yes this is definitely going to last.
So as soon as these notes are done I will get changed and head off, no time to shave. I’ll take the short cut to the beach through Sunderland Football Club’s training ground, so no one sees I am unshaven (I am sure Roy won’t mind, what with his five o’clock shadow).
Although, changing the subject, a friend of mine said recently, that I should think about getting sponsored (for a charity) to write this blog. I suppose he has a point, I mean the blog is a bit like a marathon and I am writing this entry while dressed as Batman, so why not? I think it is a good idea. How would this work? I guess, if you like the blog, you could tell me how much you are going to pay to the charity and I could give your name (and pledge) a mention on my website (and then other readers could see how generous/tight you are). I don’t want to get involved with the money. I would leave it up to you, to actually give the money you pledged to the actual charity direct, via a link from my website to the charity website.
So which charity will it be? I will take suggestions*. Let’s think, in Edinburgh there were a lot of homeless people and I really don’t like to see that. So, maybe I could choose a homeless charity. Although, I am not 100 percent convinced; on the one hand, I will buy a “Big Issue”, but there is always a part of me saying, “don’t we have the very best social and health care in the whole world, how can you be here?” Last year, I even saw an unshaven man walking the streets in the South of France – I mean if you are gong to be homeless that is the place. I felt he should be giving me money, I live in Sunderland . Although on reflection he may have just run down to the beach and was looking for la supermarche Morrisons, I still haven’t mastered French.
Actually, I think I will get shaved and take the car. One step at a time ehh?
*really, have a think about the charity idea and let me know.
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August 28th, 2007
So, Britain had really sunny weather on Bank Holiday Monday. We go mental in this country when that happens, don’t we?. “What should we do? it is sunny, how have we nothing planned?” “Grab the bikes, we will cycle to the Lakes, no, we will drive to a restaurant near water, no we’ll landscape the garden while drinking wine and smoking cigars, buy a unicycle, I know LETS DO IT ALL”. We just panic, as if we have not seen a Bank Holiday, ever.
Anyway, yesterday my wife and I work through our options and finally decided (about lunchtime) to go out for the day, to Durham. It gave us time to catch up on the important things in life – apparently there was a very rude girl on X factor who lost it when she was told she had a bad attitude. She went mental and swore at the judges, I assume, to prove her point, that she did not have a bad attitude. We talked about other things too, and really enjoyed the day.
So with the festival over, it is back to preparing for this weekend’s gigs and normality. I am definitely going to get fit for the next two weeks as I want to be in peak condition when I go in to hospital. Yes, my sports injury “that could happen to a young person” operation is coming up quicker than I thought. I had asked to have my “belly button hernia” operation in January 2008, so as I would not miss out on too much work. However, the NHS has targets and quotas so it is September 10th. In a normal job you would probably be happy for the break, but to a self employed person (that’s me) it is not good news. I have passed work on to friends for the days I can’t make. It is a bit annoying because I will be in and out in a day, yet, I can’t make an emergency stop for about 6 weeks; so I can’t drive and have rearranged to travel to gigs (with very light luggage) by train. So that should be fun.
I know I am getting old, but I don’t feel old. I watched Richard Herring’s show in Edinburgh and he was going on about being old and he is only 40. I was thinking I didn’t start playing my best tennis until I was 45, and had a washboard stomach (well a washboard-ish stomach) at 40 - what on earth is he banging on about.
There are the tell tale signs, for example, I use the word washboard when no one under 30 has heard of one, and also the other night at the Gilded Balloon party there was a free bar all night, and I went home at 2:15 am (that is early for Edinburgh) having had only three small beers. Also, I am finding it very difficult to decide what to wear when I go out casually. I obviously can’t wear a T shirt with writing on – it is just wrong after the age of 37, not as wrong as overweight ladies in low slung jeans, but still wrong.
But apart from the using of out of date words, going home early sober and procrastination over my wardrobe choices I feel just as young as I ever did. Now if you forgive me I have to pluck my ear hair.
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August 27th, 2007
Ok, this is going to be my quickest blog ever, as I want to spend time with my wife. Today is Bank Holiday Monday, so my wife can pretend she has a job as great as mine, by spending a Monday doing nothing (it might be something, we haven’t decided yet).
I am still catching up on my sleep from Edinburgh yet I have got up far too early this morning – how does that work? Anyway, my wife is still in bed so I am going to write this blog without planning. Yes, I do plan the other ones – well I make quick long hand notes and I try to round it up with an ending. Yes, sometimes it is a contrived ending – listen, you try writing a blog everyday. Anyway, this hand writing is all done on the date mentioned on the entry blog, however, sometimes I have to wait a few days to get to the computer to enter them as typed out blogs, I think what I am trying to say is, when I can be arsed I put them on the website. I can type very fast and the whole process is really quite slick unless I can’t read my long hand notes (this happens quite a bit). It is worst when I lose the notes, as I really do find it difficult to remember what I was doing. I am not sure how I can’t remember because I have a great memory for other things; test me on any FA cup final from 1959 to present day.
So I am just going to say what comes into my head. Right emm emm. Think man think people aren’t going to read this rubbish.
Oh, I know, let me check who has won the if.comedy award* for comedy at this year’s Edinburgh Festival. I love it, that the people at the Festival, talk about this, as if it is important, whereas people outside of Edinburgh, who have real jobs don’t give a stuff. To the outside world, the Edinburgh Festival is like a party you are not invited to, but if you were invited, you wouldn’t go anyway.
Anyway I have checked and the winner is……………………………Brendan Burns. Well, that did surprise me, it is all about change, last year the winner was Phil Nichol, he was a short, funny, shouty comedian from overseas, this year, the winner is Brendan Burns, a short, funny, shouty comedian from overseas.
So here are my highlights of the festival for the people genuinely interested.
1. Going to Scotland to meet up with all my friends from London.
2. Seeing my good friend Patrick Monahan work his audiences and receive really good reviews.
3. Seeing Pete Firman’s comedy and magic show
4. Seeing Daniel Kitson at Late and Live
5. Meeting everyone at the “So you think you are funny” party.
6. Seeing my mates at “Long live comedy” receive a 4 star review on their first ever Edinburgh
7. Seeing the new generation of talent in Pappy’s Fun Club.
8. Chatting with Felicity, the blonde from the sketch group “Greedy”, who was very nice but not as nice as my wife who is out of bed and has sat down next to me. Ok that’s all.
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August 26th, 2007
Looking at yesterday’s blog made me think about how comedy clubs these days, are now catering for, and actively encouraging, the group bookings of Stag and Hen parties. It certainly fits the criteria for the “business part” of Show business, as in, it will get bums on seats and also increase the sales of overpriced drinks. However, on the down side, the “show part” of show business suffers.
For example, my late gig, last night, was very well received only because I made ongoing changes to hold the room. You may have seen the variety act where by the entertainer spins many plates on upright sticks and his job is to keep them all spinning, well I can’t do that act, but I have taught a class of mixed ability children, which is very similar and is excellent training if you are ever faced with audiences who have got a bit of lash on board. The idea is to make it look effortless as you work out how to keep the plates spinning (it is an analogy right, I am not actually spinning plates).
Anyway, last night I left out anything from my set which required even a little bit of thought and/or attention span on the audience’s part. I also worked more with the audience; this inclusion can lead to a great gig with lots of ad lib stuff* working in your favour but be warned it can also be very dangerous. On such occasions the comedian is using great skill to adjust to the (mainly hammered) audience; it will get him paid but he won’t be using all of his artistic talent (kick me in now).
So what am I getting at? Well, if you are brave enough to stage your very own month long Edinburgh show (I am not) you have the luxury of one hour to express yourself. You can use this hour anyway you want, with no restrictions at all (well apart from no smoking on stage). I say luxury, but luxury does come at a cost of about £2,000 (that being, the average loss from your ambitious vanity project of self indulgence). Anyway forgetting about your crushing debt, the beauty is, there is no comedy club owner, saying, you can’t say this or that (apparently this and that are very offensive). There is no mentally editing out anything which requires a bit of thought and then replacing it by mindlessly editing in a nob joke. You simply don’t have to do what you don’t want to do. And that is why Edinburgh is the number one arts/comedy festival in the world. Now can someone pass me some step-ladders so as I can climb down from my own arse**.
*Most times the performer just comes up with stuff on the spot and has very little idea where the comedy bits come from – other times, the performer can use a previous piece of writing, which has “rolodexed” its’ way to the top of his brain at exactly the right moment.
** I would love to say that I came up with that phrase but I didn’t; it came from Frank Skinner’s wonderful book which I urge you to buy.
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August 25th, 2007
Why do we all fear change and sometimes get violent when confronted with it? I have just heard a story on the radio about a group of men (their age ranges were from 50’s to 70’s) from Gateshead. They have been going to Blackpool, staying in the same hotel, every year for nearly thirty years. The story turns out to be, that they had been refused entry to their hotel because the new management had a very firm rule on no large parties of men. In many ways it is a story about camaraderie but also COME ON FELLAS THE SAME HOTEL EVERY YEAR? Isn’t the new owner doing you a favour and, here is a thought, how about choosing another resort.
There is also the story of the lady who always cut the ends off both ends of her joint of beef (every week wasting a lot of perfectly good meat) before cooking it. When she was asked why she did it – she had no idea, apart from, she had seen her mum do it. So they asked her mum who also could not explain it either, but said her mother had done it. So they asked the grandmother, and she said she did it because during the war she had a very small oven.
Both stories tell us that everyday we slavishly repeat activities with very little thought (sometimes, as in the oven story, it is activities from past generations). Don’t even get me started on the perpetuation of religious nonsense by this method.
Stag parties are an example of tradition repetition. Coming back on the train from Edinburgh on Friday afternoon I was sitting close to a Scottish Stag party travelling from Edinburgh to have a night out in Newcastle (that is what I thought). Luckily, I am fluent in Scottish and quickly worked out that the lads would be quite noisy but absolutely harmless. I was sitting across from an Italian couple (who obviously weren’t as good with languages as me) and they had not worked this out yet, as they looked worried. If they had been reading the news this summer, they would have noticed the UK is becoming uncharacteristically violent*, and they would be right to be on their guard.
I wanted to tell them to put their fears at rest, but I wanted to see how long it would take for them to realise that the lads were harmless, and that nobbish behaviour is de rigueur for Stag parties. Also, that sitting across the table, seat, is an awkward position, isn’t it? Sure, it is an excellent seat for spreading out on the table, and you can stretch out, if you can find out where the other person’s feet are positioned (I do this by using the tip of my shoe in a kind of gentle Braille method). But there is something uncomfortable about the confrontational seating plan and you don’t want to start a conversation too early into the trip, otherwise it seems rude not to talk the entire journey.
Anyway the Stags pull out a lot of pink cowboy hats (I know, that is what I thought; maybe it was a civil partnership stag). I think this did relax the Italians who must have thought – surely there will be no violence now. However, I am not sure about their chances later in the Bigg market – as in –“Nee man wears a pink cowboy hat – am ganna twat him one”.
*Every year, Big Brother the TV programme, stops at the very start of the summer holidays and the murder rate is very low – this year I believe Big Brother is going on during the kid’s holidays and the murder rate is sky high – you can’t tell me there is no correlation.
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August 24th, 2007
Well, this is the last week of the festival and also my last day here. Yes, they are short visits, not just because I have to constantly return to England for gigs, but also because, Edinburgh is very crowded and extremely hot. It is 27 degrees today (and they say we have had a bad summer, no pleasing some folk). If you are not very good with the Celsius scale yet, let me tell you, water freezes at 0, room temperature is 22 and a Geordie will take his T shirt off at 7.
I am squeezing myself through the tourists at the end of Princes Street. They have slowed down to photograph the “Native American Indian” band (I better not call them Red Indians, as it is not politically correct and besides, they probably have the internet by now*, surely they are not still using smoke signals, I mean, how would they do “laugh out loud”). Ironically, they seem to have stolen the land from the Peruvian pipe band that was performing there last year.
I am wearing my last clean T shirt; black T shirt not a good idea. I think I must have thought I would have to absorb every bit of radiant heat from the usually overcast Edinburgh.
Anyway, I am on my way to see Jason Cook’s afternoon show, but first a late breakfast at Valvona and Crolla. It is a bit of walk into the new town but worth it to avoid the crowds. It is a great place to sit in the sun and see well dressed people going to work (real jobs). Much better than overhearing American tourists saying things like, “the castle was obviously built to be close to the railway station”.
I order an omelette sandwich (it has an exotic Southern European menu name, but I know what I got). The food and coffee are very good; it is like being abroad as the staff are Italian and quite chatty. I am meeting up with friends shortly so I am using this time to catch up on this blog, strangely enough. I still haven’t got around to answering those emails yet, but really should.
Jason’s show is great; I sit in the audience with my friend Bruce (who writes for the Evening Standard; he is also a very well respected Festival critic) and new friend Zeb a festival photographer. We all enjoyed it and meet up with Jason after the show. The show is very moving and hilarious (I know, that is what I thought, a very difficult combination to pull off).
Edinburgh is all about seeing such shows and not just about doing the touristy thing. Now if you forgive me I have to go to catch my train – I just have time to buy a CD of that Native America Band. Is it me, or are these endings becoming predictable?
* I love the fact I am so paranoid I think a Native American could be reading this blog, I am still not sure, if my wife reads it.
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August 23rd, 2007
Yesterday, I painted a very untidy picture of the flat (not literally, obviously). Well now that it is tidy, I should say, it is great. Firstly, it is a cool, fully equipped flat, which is centrally based for the venues in the “old town”, and secondly, we have Chris. Chris stays every year to review the Film Festival *– you name any Hollywood star and Chris has interviewed and photographed them. That isn’t even the best bit – the best bit is Chris is a great chef and cooks massive pans of wholesome food for us all. It is so easy to eat badly when you are travelling, so this is a real bonus. Chris works on a different time scale to a stand up comedian. For example: Chris is up for 7:30am and gets back at 8:30pm; whereas Patrick Monahan, who is performing a stand up comedy show (for the full month) gets up at midday and goes to bed at 4am.
I know you probably think a stand up comedian spends all day drinking cups of tea, eating biscuits and watching series 1 and 2 of “Family Guy”. You would be wrong – well 98% of the time they are doing that, but the rest of the time they are working hard to promote their shows.
A typical day for a stand up comedian in Edinburgh starts at about midday with any or all of the following: a lunchtime “showcase type” show (with other comedians), a radio show, a TV interview, and then reading reviews and fretting.
The intention of the lunchtime show is to do just enough in your guest spot (usually 10 to 15 minutes) to tease the audience into paying to see your full show. This is achieved by handing flyers to the lunchtime audiences as they leave the venue. My advice if you are doing these shows is; “less is more”. I am not saying this advice from my experience as a performer I am saying it as an audience member. My criteria on this one is, if they perform too long, I feel, even if they are good, I have seen enough and therefore I would not pay to see their full show.
Usually, the top stand up comedians (well, people you have seen on TV) are performing their full one hour show sometime between 7pm and midnight. So if your show is 7:20pm until 8:20pm it means you have the rest of the night and early morning to run (literally, run) between venues guesting, compereing, anything; what ever it takes to get bums on seats for your next couple of days. Ok, now all you have to do is, repeat this process for 24 days until you break even in Edinburgh. I know, how do people live like that?
*Yes the Filluum (I am a Geordie) Festival is on at the same time (that is what Edinburgh needs more festivals). Apparently next year it is on in June. By the way Chris recommends “Hallam Foe” starring Jamie Bell (the lad who played Billy Elliot) and if you like silly and violent you could watch Tarantino’s “Death Proof”.
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August 22nd, 2007
So, I am travelling back to Edinburgh today for the third time this festival (one year I will stay up all the time). I got a great deal on my train ticket and I am not sure how. I usually pay the full price for my travel, as I receive bookings for gigs at the last minute and I always delay my decision as to when to go to the festival. However, last night I booked on the internet and got two singles (which were cheaper than the return, how does that work?) at a reasonable price. The tickets were for standard class obviously; my travel costs (and accommodation costs) tend to vary greatly, depending whether my wife is travelling with me. I am not sure of the price differential between chalk and cheese, let’s just say – me travelling by myself, pound shop, me travelling with my wife, Harrods.
I have an incident free trip on the still very clean Metro. It is obviously too early in the morning for the youngsters on drugs I encountered on my last trip back from Edinburgh.
I pick up my bargain tickets from one of the many fast ticket machines and start planning replies to my booking enquiry emails (on paper first). This is 2007 and I am going to use my modern gadgets to save time and maximise my business – I laugh at you with your office bound jobs. I get on the train and my MDA won’t send or receive so I read the papers instead.
England is exceptionally green this year (maybe somebody reading this can tell me why). I say England we are now at Berwick, it has lovely bridges. Let me get this straight, Berwick is in the Scottish Football league, yet it is an English town (most northern English town probably, unless you know different). Oh, it has switched in the past from English to Scottish and back, and you would think their lovely bridges would be worth fighting over – where is Mel Gibson when you need him ehh? “You’ll never take our freedom – what? Yeah, you can keep Berwick” – not a snappy end to a movie.
I arrive at the flat and find everyone still in bed. I decide to tidy the flat as Jane the lady who lets the flat has arrived to wait for a workman who has given the vague 9am until lunchtime (anytime between) promise. I always feel a bit like the Jack Lemmon character in the film “The odd couple” when I am in Edinburgh. I tidy as I go. I don’t insist on coasters for the tea mugs but this is mainly because after two days it is difficult to find the coffee table.
This always reminds me of a story Jerry Seinfeld tells about the Glenn Miller Band. The story goes: the Glenn Miller Band are on tour and their aeroplane is forced to land in a field in heavy snow. The band has to carry all their instruments through the deep snow and walk miles to their destination. As they are walking they see ahead of them a beautiful detached house with the smoke coming out of the chimney. They approach, soaked to the skin and freezing; they look through the window and see a perfect family scene. There is the Christmas tree with presents around, there is the mother, father, and two well behaved children sitting around a full table with a lovely fire roaring away. And one of the band members says to the other ones “How do people live like that?”
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