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August 21st, 2007
Thank you to the many people who are enjoying my blog. It seems that fellow stand up comedians and magicians are my target audience, I would have preferred it to be company directors, who are wanting to book me for shows, but I am pleased anyway. I don’t know who else reads my blog. I am not even sure if my wife reads it; we do talk, but it is very rarely work related. We have always been like that, in that, work is separate from our home life. I remember years ago, seeing a very successful stand up comedian whose girlfriend went to all of his gigs. He had a great set, but after you had heard it a few times, that would be enough, surely? I met him two years later and they weren’t together. From that day I have never wanted my wife to be in the audience of my gigs. As most of my performances are at company dinners etc this hasn’t caused a problem.
Anyway, I am back up at Edinburgh tomorrow. Did you know there are nearly 700 shows eligible for the Perrier awards this year (I know the awards are now called the if.comedy awards, but I am not sure Perrier got their full benefit from their lengthy sponsorship deal; I am sure we were all drinking Evian at the judging meetings a few years ago)?
So how do you know which shows are good and which shows are just drama students who think comedy is easy?
Well, I have warned you about the misrepresentation of flyers, and I discovered another one the other day. It is the phrase “World Premier”, which could mean, either, it is going to be very good or it could mean “we didn’t dare try this stuff out on a paying audience (anywhere)”. In fact, some “one star” shows are so bad, they should tell the audience at the start, that they are being ironic (at least they may get two stars).
I suppose a visitor to Edinburgh might want to play it safe, with so many flyers to wade through, and you can’t blame them for sticking with the following equations:
Comedian who is on TV = good and so worth seeing,
Comedian who is not on TV = bad and not worth seeing.
This is obviously not true, as the whole of the TV industry lives in Edinburgh for the whole month (which is not cheap) in the hope of spotting new talent for their 2008/09 season.
So if you must see famous TV faces, then walk around the Pleasance Courtyard or the Assembly Rooms and see them for nothing; you will see them all, Frank Skinner, Jimmy Carr, Alan Carr and this weekend coming Ricky Gervais (not to mention the Hollywood stars who are attending the film festival).
However, if it is shows you are after, I recommend you read the independent reviews and choose something which is a 5 star show (but not something you would normally go and see). I am not a big fan of sketch groups, but I have seen two this year – Pappy’s Fun Club; they were fantastic (more about them in another blog) and Greedy which was also a very good show. The blonde girl in Greedy was very attractive and I chatted to her after the show for ages. Right, that should find out if my wife reads the blog.
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August 20th, 2007
There is a very funny comedian called Tim Clark who plays the Comedy Store in London and Manchester, he is the bald one on TV (oh good Don, that narrows it down). Tim has locked into, what it is like to be a forty-something bloke, living in Britain in 2007. He does this “bit” about the kind of cynicism that only comes with age. He starts by saying, when children are invited to a party, they get all excited – that doesn’t happen when you are an adult. As in, first adult says:
“Shall we go to the party?”
Second adult says,
“No, it will be shit and we’ll never get a taxi”
Or
“Have you seen the new guy at work?”
“Yea he’s a twat”.
Tim’s delivery is great and the mainly British audience always laugh.
So is cynicism uniquely British? Well, I can tell you that I have performed comedy and magic at International Conventions and I can always spot a Brit, even from a distance. Anyone, who has a smile and an inquisitive look on their face, will be from a different country. The Brit will (almost always) look wary. It maybe, because, we have been brought up with a very British (pessimistic) outlook on life and this makes us very reluctant to let ourselves go immediately. Or, maybe it is our fear of not appearing cool – damn Elvis and his example of being cool all the time (well apart from the overweight toilet dying, obviously).
I hate to tell Tim, but it is not just our world weary adults who are pessimistic, it is also our young. Having taught in schools and colleges I have noticed that the age of cynicism is very low. This lack of “joie de vivre”**, in Britain, is always highlighted when you watch a TV programme of a school in Africa, where the smiling happy, very poor, children, are embracing education, and then you compare them with our “am I bothered” pupils.
Why am I telling you this? – Well, I have noticed (as have other magicians) that the very best part of my job is the removing of cynicism and pessimism for the duration of my act. Yes, the continental Europeans, the Italians, the French, the Spanish and even the Germans will relax and enjoy the act immediately. I think this may be due to the Continentals being more family orientated; they are quick to drop their guard and revert to a child-like innocence. The Brits will also enjoy the show but only after an initial first minute when they “suss out” that you aren’t going to take the piss (or if you do, it will be good natured and won’t be personal).
And that is why I got into comedy and magic, and anyone who says, it is just for the money, is quite obviously wrong.
*comedians call a topic, about a particular subject, a “bit”, it is usually more than one joke, and sometimes depending on the comedian could last a long time, for example: Peter Kay’s “things that happen at a wedding” is a “bit”.
** It is ironic, that we have to use the French saying, and that we don’t have our own snappy phrase for enjoying life, isn’t it?
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August 19th, 2007
My wife has made me swear not to confront youths on trains (or anywhere else). I used to teach in schools and colleges and feel I know how to talk to youngsters. I should actually say, I used to know, how to talk to youngsters. The reason I say this, when I was teaching I would always talk to them in a friendly fashion (as if I were talking to an adult), but I am not sure that works today. These youths were definitely on drugs, and rationality tends to go out of the window when the brain is unbalanced. That word unbalanced is the clue actually. The modern world to a child can be very unbalanced if there is no parental discipline (showing the other sides to life).
Years ago we watched TV which catered for everyone. This meant you had to sit through Panorama and Bruce Forsyth (imagine that Bruce Forsyth on a Saturday night) on the London Palladium before your Cowboys and Indian film (yes, kids do like to play with guns, in moderation). There was a balance, all be it a tedious one, which taught us tolerance for others and delayed gratification. Ok there was a rumour that if you played your Black Sabboth records backwards a voice said “kill your parents” but nobody ever found out (although many a “state of the art” HiFi was broken trying).
Nowadays you can “home in on” any topic, either legal or illegal - you only have to look at the very narrow range of questions contestants on Mastermind chose as their specialist topics to appreciate this fact. The internet has given us the ability to focus in on the things that interest us, to the exclusion of others. Ok it is quite harmless in Mastermind, but not so harmless in the outside world.
If you can learn a foreign language using headphones when you are awake (and according to many accounts, subconsciously, when you are asleep) how much damage is being done by listening to 400 hours of gangster rap (glamorizing “killing a person, to see how it feels”) on your ipod, day after day. It is rhetorical.
Ok this is getting a bit heavy and maybe if you are reading this and you are a Company Director wanting to book me for a corporate event – you probably don’t want to think about what your 15 year old son and his Goth friends are getting up to. So let’s get some BALANCE here, by me telling you a joke. Better still, I have a joke book on the shelf here – why don’t I stick my finger in the book and read the first joke it lands on – that seems a much better idea than me pacing up and down shouting “come on you’re a comedian, think man think”.
Ok this is for real – even if it is rubbish I will still tell you it – first attempt only – here goes- right, And my finger has landed on this one - Page 151, – Enjoy!
The title of the lists of jokes on this page is “Education: Dumb Exam Answers”
So here goes:
Use the word “diploma” in a sentence: “our pipes were leaking so my dad called diploma”
Yes we were lucky, that was a good one, and has certainly lifted the mood. I am also thinking that Anglo Italians find the joke even funnier. Although on a pedantic level, I have never seen that question on an actual exam paper – in fact I am beginning to think it is just a contrived joke, which sounds funnier because it could actually be true to life. A bit like the classic joke concerning the word “contagious” - the punchline of which is about the painting of a house and a not very nice person taking a long time to do it. I am not spelling it out for you.
Anyway I can’t hang around I have to learn my “haircuts of Jennifer Aniston 1994 to present day”.
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August 18th, 2007
The gig on Friday night was one of my best yet, with my two kicker endings going down very well. I love to watch the reaction of people at the end of my set when I offer to give a prize to the audience member who helped me on stage. I pull a watch out of my pocket and show it, just far enough away for them to think they are getting a great watch. They look so pleased that they have won a watch for simply helping the magician with his act. It is the dawning process I like to see in their faces – when their expression changes from “oh that is nice and it looks a really good watch, maybe something I could wear” to “HOLD ON A MINUTE THAT IS MY F**K**G WATCH, YOU B**T**D”. Well, that is, if it is a man, if it is a woman I usually just get a scream and a playful hit.
Sometimes a gig can just get better and better depending on what the audience is like or what they say. Audiences love to get involved, that is why live performances are worth seeing. TV is great, but you can’t interact with it (that is not interaction, you are sitting in your house pressing buttons to see a football match from a slightly different angle, so don’t give me that). Anyway, last night in the audience, there was an Alan Shearer look-a like and a couple on their very first date, so we were off and running.
It is good to be home. Yes, I did survive the Metro journey – thanks for asking. When I got back I enjoyed a long bath before heading off to my first gig of the weekend (the one I mentioned above).
By the way I am in big trouble with my wife. I should never have told her that I confronted the youths on the Metro. I say youths as I don’t like to label people and don’t want to call them charvas although I am pretty sure they were not trainee doctors.
So to get in to my wife’s good books, on my way back I stopped at Asda at about 11:30pm – which leads me on to my top (time management and environmentally friendly) tip for when you are driving home from a gig and it is very late. The tip is, do a full (big) shop even if it is 2am, there are always people to find stuff for you and a normal 1hour shop takes about 20 minutes at 2am. It makes sense as you are passing the shop anyway. Also if you have been driving you won’t be able to sleep – this is usually because you are still buzzing (naturally, from adrenaline) from the gig or the nervous energy of trying to get back on an empty tank of petrol. So you might as well be putting groceries away at 2:30am – Hey, does this dude know how to party or what? Oh yes, rock and roll!
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August 17th, 2007
This morning, I woke up, thinking, Newcastle should run an Art’s festival – why not? We have culture. I do get very optimist in the mornings and it is very early, it is 9:50 am (yes I know, almost like having a proper job, getting up at that time). Anyway, I am gigging in the North of England, over the weekend, and I have to catch the Virgin cross country at 12:05 from Waverley station, which stops at Newcastle. I hope I don’t fall asleep on the train, as I am not sure how many stops there are between Newcastle and Bristol.
I have a leisurely breakfast at a really good café, just off St. Andrew’s Square, then, I get on the train. My ticket allows me the privilege of finding a seat of my liking. That sounds a lot better than, “I purchased a really cheap Pover ticket, which doesn’t allocate me a seat number”, didn’t it? Anyway, it was good, as I sit down next to Russell Howard’s mother (Nanette, a very nice lady) and we chat until Newcastle. Russell is the young blonde comedian on “Mock the week”).
So that was the very pleasant part of the journey: now I had to make a short journey on the “Metro” (The North East’s own “Tube” type rail service). If you haven’t been on the Newcastle Metro, let me tell you, it is a very clean and comfortable means of transport and most people treat it with respect. Having said that, it does run an almost honesty box method of travel, as in, you buy your ticket, but the ticket doesn’t do the opening of turnstile gates, as it does on the London Underground. So unless you are asked for your ticket by an inspector, some people are getting their own free taxi. So you can imagine the type of clientele that latch on to this little freebee.
Anyway, I buy my ticket and get on the Metro at Central Station to be greeted by a stare. It is a lad (I will let you label him) about the age of 17 and he is staring at me in a threatening way. He wants me to react, so I do – I give him a “pleased to see you” smile and say a “Cameron style” hello, stopping short of hugging him, obviously. He doesn’t smile back and doesn’t look away but I can see by his dilated pupils that he is on drugs. I give up my seat for an old lady*. As soon as the train starts moving, one of the starer’s mates starts playing music far too loud. I walk up to the lad and say hello and ask if he could turn the music down. This is something my wife insists I should never do, as she thinks, I will be added to the seasonally high murder figures (around at the moment caused by people talking to adolescents). He turns the music down but I can see the starer is not pleased and is trying to egg on his mate to turn it up, while still staring me out. Oh yes, City of Culture runners up to Liverpool – bring on a festival.
*I am guessing that there will be a time in the next twenty years or so, when somebody will think I am at the age where I deserve their seat – I am sure I will be confused with emotions, being both pleased with the seat, yet annoyed that I look old enough to be considered for such good will.
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August 16th, 2007
It was very cold on Tuesday, which made me wonder, why do people come to “this near Arctic city” Edinburgh. Well, it is all about EXPOSURE; the acts are dying for it, while the audiences are dying from it. Not a great joke, only I wanted to start a blog entry as if I was Sarah Jessica Parker (No, not because I have a long face and sit around in my underwear).
I really do wonder why visitors bother with Edinburgh in August and then you see Tom Hanks buying kites from a street seller. I, by the way, would never ask for a photo or an autograph, as I am never sure what I want them for, and more to the point, what does this actually says about me as a person.
So, anyway, I am back for my second visit to the Festival – I can’t stay up too long as I have a very busy weekend of gigs coming up.
Today, I will be writing this blog in stages. This first bit I am writing in the VIP room in the Assembly Rooms. This year I assume this lounge is sponsored by channel 4, as all the TVs are playing “the IT crowd”. The TVs are all on mute, as well they should be, as this comfortable room is meant to be the quiet escape from the Edinburgh madness. It is an ideal room for writing, catching up with friends or in today’s case watching a very famous elderly actor losing his cool and having a right luvie stropp. I am not going to tell you who he was, but this kind of thing is very LIKELY to happen when you get a lot of theatrical types in one room. I felt like going up and saying hey LADS lets just calm down.
Ok later in day now, I am sitting in the audience for Pete Firman’s show. I am in the 4th row back and the show is sold out. I look around at Pete’s audience: he has ages from 8 years old to the silver tops. There are also a lot of (and I mean a lot of) very attractive ladies. They look about 18 to 25 years old (better be careful here, in these “Post Langham” days). Yes there are plenty of “genetic lottery” winners in Pete’s audience – must be the allure of being on TV so much (don’t let Pete tell you it is his rugged good looks).
Pete walks on stage: cheeky smile, debatable 3 piece suit – straight away, we are in safe hands. He is a very likeable stage performer (essential if you are a magic act). In my opinion comedy is a great way to sell the entertainment value in magic. The audience laugh all the way through this great show without having to trouble their feeble laymen brains.
Let me tell you now, Pete’s show is a 5 star show (it has received 4 star reviews all the way through the festival only because the reviewers won’t give the extra star to a comedy and magic show).
It is such a fantastic show that I have to wait to talk to Pete for ten minutes as he signs autographs and has photos taken.
So if you want to buy autographs and photos of either Pete Firman or Tom Hanks go to ebay where you will see the ones I got – only kidding. It was Rodney Bewes by the way.
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August 15th, 2007
Well, I hope by now, you have taken my advice and BOUGHT TICKETS to see some great theatre and stand up shows at the Edinburgh Festival 2007. I really hope you haven’t just been hanging around the Royal Mile watching the FREE jugglers and pretending to put money into the mime’s hat (ignore what I said earlier about that – they really don’t like it). Free shows are great, but remember, when something is free; it is generally free for a reason. Today, I overheard someone say, as they left a venue, “I know it was free, but I still want some money back”. I suppose they had a point after all, “time is money”.
Talking about getting money back, I was speaking with my friend who works at the Gilded Balloon, and she said that an audience member had seen the “Puppetry of the Penis” and had asked for their money back, claiming, wait for it……..he did not know it was going to be about THAT. Now the flyer for POTP clearly states that it is the art of genital origami. Even the financial times reviewed it, saying “does exactly what it says on the packet”. And, as if more evidence was needed (which it is not): the poster outside the venue, shows; two Australian men, naked, apart from sunglasses, white socks and capes (see, I told you, capes are fashionable).
Now, I am so heterosexual I have never been to this show, but I won’t let that fact, stop me explaining what I think the show is all about (other people have confirmed my assumptions). What happens is, the two men bend and squeeze their genitals – this is where I am a bit unsure, as I don’t know, if they contort their own genitals or if there is a reciprocal arrangement going on – however it is fair to say, that cock and balls are being manipulated in the name of entertainment (this is Edinburgh, they may even be passing it off as Art as well – after all, they apparently title every display as if it were an exhibit, for example “bulldog from behind” and “mushroom cloud” (yes me too, the image is enough, I don’t need to see the show, I can picture it, thank you). This makes me wonder, at what point into the performance, did the man think? “Hey wait a minute, this is not gentle origami”.
Anyway, I am aware that many of you aren’t going to the festival, this year (or probably any other year). And that is a good choice - Scottish weather, millions of tourists, no hotel rooms, I can’t really blame you. So why do performers turn up in their droves? Two words - Industry people (by that I mean TV people, reviewers and award judges). This is the sole reason so many acts come to the festival for the whole month. It is like a three dimensional “myspace” for comedians and acting types (if you are reading this in 2008, “myspace” was the fore runner of “facebook”).
Some of the acts are the complete article, with lots to offer TV companies (and some are not). By this I mean, you need a lot of strings to your bow (two bows would be even better). Because one day you are going to be asked that dreaded question (which industry people like to ask after they have seen your act), the question being ………“So, what else have you got?” These days, it is not enough just to be good at one thing. For example, if you are a stand up comedian you should also be working on a script for a play and / or a book, sitcom or game format etc etc.
Now if you forgive me, I have to practice my “hamburger” and “windsurfer” (that last one must get easier with age).
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August 14th, 2007
Oh yes I was telling you about Edinburgh on a Sunday – not a good idea.
After parking, we met up and had Breakfast at Browns on George Street. It was not great. I am never sure what to do about tipping when the food is bad. Tip actually stands for “to improve promptness” – I haven’t just made that up – that is where it comes from honestly. Do I still tip? After all, the waiter was excellent and Scottish (see I am not a racist). But on the other hand, am I just encouraging the serving of slops so long as they are delivered with a smile (how hard can it be to smile?). I am English, so tip very well indeed and then complain afterwards – you can’t get more English than that.
Anyway, I pick up a Fringe Brochure and find myself the very best place to sit in the sun. This leads me on to your top tip for today: titled “tips for visitors to find the very best places to relax and chill even though you were warned about how busy it would be on a Sunday”.
Firstly, get off the Royal Mile you are not a tourist (oh you are). I noticed that this year they have special wardens patrolling the Royal Mile making sure all the acts have permits (I suppose). I think these wardens should also be given some sort of quality control powers as well. I would like to hear the wardens say “sorry pal but that was just pesh” or tell a mime “I am going to have to arrest you, are you going to come quietly?” By the way, mime statues love it when you go over and mime putting money in their hat.
So where do I recommend? Well firstly, you could go to see TV people at the Pleasance Courtyard; sit at the picnic style benches, whilst fending off people trying to give you flyers. On the subject of flyers, watch out for the two big giveaways of very bad shows, which are: when a flyer promises just a bit too much; for example, any show that suggests your life will never be the same again – yes it will – it will be exactly the same, only you will be £10 down on the deal and ruing the loss of one hour of your life. Or, when the picture on the flyer looks like they are trying too hard to be funny and they have no reviews stapled to their flyers (even though it has been reviewed and it is the last week of the festival)– that is not good.
There are other places which have a really good feel and they are: the courtyard just outside the Udderbelly – it is the upside cow next to the Teviot (which is also popular).
If it is raining the Pleasance Dome has an indoor courtyard which is on different levels quite befitting of the acts in this venue – which can be good but some decidedly ropey – but then that is the whole festival I suppose.
The assembly rooms VIP lounge is very comfortable this year with sofas and chairs, ideal for that late drink at 3am. Because that is what you need at that time……. “breakfast lager”.
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August 13th, 2007
A word of warning: if you can avoid Edinburgh on a Sunday during the festival, do so. We didn’t, my wife has a proper job and so she had arranged to meet up with some mutual friends and also to see Joyce Carol Oates at the Book Festival. Yea, that is what I thought, Book Festival, glasses on chains, leather arm patches, Christmas jumper. Sure, I did not have to wear them, but I wanted to fit in.
We needed to be there early, however, the trains only have a Sunday service (no crap gag about vicars, please) and so they started much later than normal. The train journey takes about one and a half hours and is very scenic indeed as it hugs the rugged coastline. It is very relaxing; the car journey is very not relaxing and takes about two hours and forty minutes (with car parking problems at the end). Don’t even get me started on that little “Basil and Sybil” exchange.
My wife decides to drive – I may have said “you arranged it, you drive” I can’t remember now, due to the lack of sleep from driving since Friday night. After an hour, she is informed by the car that it needs petrol (it doesn’t, the computer dashboard display has simply dropped from 100 miles in the tank to 95 miles left). This is woman speak for, “must get petrol NOW”. A man would happily crawl along at 46 miles per hour with the display of 2 miles of petrol left, without panicking (nervous laughter is not panicking is it?). Nobody tells a man when to address the fuel situation.
This made me think “life is like a car journey” – yes, you want to enjoy the journey but you have to keep checking to see how you are doing and watching out for any warning signals on the dashboard, as well as throwing an arm out to the back seats if you have kids. I get very philosophical at 8:36 on a Sunday morning.
So we pull into Morrisons at Berwick – it opens at 9am and it is 8:37 but I can see the lady already set up behind her counter. After much to-ing and fro-ing between her Perspex window and the locked door, it appears I can’t have petrol. She must have had a hangover (is Berwick Scotland or England? – a bit racist Don?). I would have accepted a “computer can only deliver petrol after 9am” chirpy denial followed by a smile of sorryness (I think that might be apologetic smile). What I got was, a lot of vague “can’t be arsed” pointing at doors which displayed opening times. Not a great start.
Tomorrow I will tell you more about our day in Edinburgh, only I am starting to say things like, smile of sorryness, which must be a sign I need to catch up on sleep. I can tell you, that on the way back we (I say we, I mean about 10 cars) were held up by a very bad driver going at a very inappropriate speed. We (yes I can speak for the other cars -I can spot impatience) were furious with the guy. However, when we overtook we felt a bit ashamed of ourselves as the man appeared to be (what ever is the politically correct word for) disturbed, which made us feel a bit sorry for him. He was about 46 (about the same age as his speed) – wait a minute, I have just thought, he had better not have been trying to save petrol and his only justification for his slow driving was pretending to be a bit mental as people overtook him.
Anyway, I will definitely take the train midweek.
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August 12th, 2007
Well, did you look up “Barry Ryan – Eloise” on “youtube”? And do you think the cape will ever come back as a fashion item? Everything these days is retro, so why not? I reckon, that if “they”* found the video of the cape wearing Elvis and released that video along with the Eloise video, then people would start wearing capes. Who knows, it may even encourage people to ride horses while wearing their capes; that has got to be good for the environment.
It is strange that nowadays if someone doesn’t understand my “seasoned with age” thoughts, I can simply show them exactly what I am talking about by using the internet. What I mean is, years ago, we used to pass on knowledge to the next generation by sitting them down and telling them about the past. This worked, mainly because the children had attention spans and did not have Wii to distract them. However, today, if somebody hasn’t your vision of a particular memory, you can implant it into their brain in a “Tom Cruise Minority Report” kind of way, simply by saying “click here” on youtube to see what I used to watch when I was a kid. So now we have the ability to bring everyone upto speed, making sure the next generation’s heads, are as full as mine with useless information: you can’t tell me that isn’t progress.
Oh, I will remember anything, really, facts like, in 1977 there were 450 Elvis impersonators in the world, in the year 2007 there are over 200,000 of them and if this trend continues by the year 2057 one in four of us will be an Elvis tribute (I strongly advise buying shares in cape manufacturing firms).
Talking again of Elvis, the question“which Elvis did you like?” is almost as perennial as the James Bond preference one. There was of course the holiday camp blazered Elvis (only shown above the waist) or the very pretty, all black leathered, Elvis – which after Sharleen Spiteri did that video, is just too confusing to watch. No, in my opinion, it has to be the “pork chop” side burned, towel wiping, karate inspired 70’s Elvis. I mean, what could be more manly than a white sequinned jump suit – no sexual ambiguity confusion there surely?
It is coming up to exactly 30 years since Elvis died at the (kind to his memory) age of 42. 95% * of Elvis’ appeal has to be his, looking like, he was really enjoying himself entertaining those people. Charisma is impossible to break down – it is all the little things added up I suppose; the way he joked with the band, his eyes disappearing when he smiled etc (I am not gay by the way).
There are plenty of people (and comedians) who have made “ageist” fun of the fact that they would not like to see Elvis at 72. But to me, it should never be about age. No, it is about the performer still wanting to do it; and that life force can transcends age. Ok, he might have to pass the microphone over to his younger backing singer to hit that final difficult note but as long as he was enjoying himself and he was throwing in a few karate moves, we’d all be happy wouldn’t we? I could be wrong of course.
*Have you noticed I say “they” a lot? Who are they? They say they can put a man on Mars etc – who the hell are they? No wonder there are so many conspiracy theories around.
*arbitrary percentage made up on the spot
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August 11th, 2007
I was working the other night on the same bill as a band: one member of this band had been responsible for that “dance remix”, of the 1977 song “Thunder in my heart”, that was so popular last year. I told him I loved that record (leaving it up to him to decide whether I actually liked his little version or the original masterpiece by the great Leo Sayer). Most of these recordings where “they” lazily choose a classic song and then, talk over the top of it, are, how can I say this? – Oh yes, shit. I mean, my dad used to talk over “Top of the Pops” when I was trying to record it with my microphone and spool to spool, but I never thought “I must release this as a single”.
Anyway it turns out he was a very nice guy and not just because he really enjoyed my performance. We talked in the one changing room (to be used by both sexes, it did have a sink, mirror and seat so I wasn’t complaining). As we were ushered out of this laughable green room by the female member of the band wanting to get changed (yes, we could have just looked the other way, that is what I thought) we talked about music. I told him of my love of the classics from the 1960’s and 70’s: for example: Neil Diamond, Glen Campbell and Barbara Streisand (oh yes, I was bullied).
I told him I also love records which have great introductions, for example, “Thunder in my heart” (he was probably still undecided which version I meant). Yes, I love a song which starts with a massive, completely over the top, intro and then, actually has the audacity to deliver. Records like the “Rocky theme (Gonna fly now) and *Eloise by Barry Ryan (and to a lesser extent) Macarthur Park, open brackets, someone left the cake out in the rain, close brackets (it is actually just, “Macarthur Park” but I know you like doing a Jimmy Saville impression). And talking of impressions, don’t even get me started on the fantastic “The wonder of you” by Elvis.
Imagine being out in the fresh air, running up concrete steps with the backdrop of an industrial wasteland, listening to the Rocky theme or Eloise by Barry Ryan (there is a slow bit in the middle – perfect for getting your breath back, if you are not that fit). Although, I wouldn’t recommend Macarthur Park, as you would probably just sit on the steps sobbing.
I can’t wait for Channel Four to make another one of those “talking head” shows (that is the industry name for that genre of programme). It would have to be titled something like “The Top 100 “over the top” records which make you either cry or feel ridiculously optimistic”. I will probably get asked to say something witty like “if only Richard Harris had an A4 folder to keep his recipes in, he could have made the cake again” or maybe not.
Now you will have to forgive me, I am off to buy some new trainers.
*If you are very young and don’t get these references – put the following words in the search box of youtube
“Barry Ryan – Eloise” - and watch the 4 minute and 40 second clip and then, tell me how that is the best record you have ever heard. The video doesn’t even need the Peter Kay treatment. It is all there already, the Austin Powers’ hair and shirt – hellfire, he even has a horse and a cape, what are you waiting for?
Also to see Elvis do his karate moves, search “Polk Salad Annie – Elvis”: And if you feel like a cry, how about the “Rocky theme” and “The wonder of you – Elvis”. You will thank me.
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August 10th, 2007
You know life can’t be that tough if your first thought in the morning is “I must change the Cds in the car”. There is nothing worse (really Don? Nothing worse, are you sure?) than being locked into an nine hour round trip and you have forgotten to remove other people’s music from your car’s changer - I don’t own an ipod - two reasons - I am over the age of 15 (seems to be my excuse for everything) and I also have an attention span which allows me to commit to a full album (probably Elvis) without flicking around.
My travelling time for my gigs over the weekend is eight hours - it is spread out, so not a problem, it should be a piece of cake. That reminds me I should really pack some food. This is not because I don’t want to pay motorway services’ prices, far from it actually, if they are going to provide me with award winning toilets the least I can do is patronise them - when I say patronise obviously I mean, to be a regular customer, I don’t mean I say “oh these sandwiches are so cheap how do you manage it and with so little salt, no I mean it you are really really great”.
No the reason is when you get to a gig (we say gig it makes us feel like we are in a band) you are never sure how much the client values you. This can vary greatly from dinner at the top table and the client saying “let me help you with your things, just say if you need anything won’t you?”- right down to, “Who?” “Dave, (shouts louder) DAVE, did we book a musician? Sorry a magician? A magician Dave?” “Dave wants to know are you going to make him disappear“. I wonder if the Mafia get that too. Also, set up areas vary, from best boardroom down to “couldn’t swing a mouse with a very short tail” broom cupboard, and this is the one I like, the wait for it….….“disabled toilet if I want to use that?” this always reminds of the long rambling joke that ends in the punch line “what and get out of show business?”
Anyway back to the important stuff. Yes definitely some Queen - there is one track which always makes me smile it goes “Don’t stop me now” - I think it might be called “Don’t stop me now”. The sign of a great performer is the ability to work on two levels - by that I mean as soon as you hear the song you smile A. because it is great music and B. because the passage of time has made the actual live performance (how can I say this) well quite funny. Yes it is impossible to watch Freddie Mercury or the later years Elvis doing his Karate moves (come on I mean who would do that in public?) without smiling to the point of nearly laughing. That reminds me I will put some Elvis in, what with the anniversary coming up. Yes I do have music from this Century actually, cheeky.
Right, so music is sorted , Sat Nav programmed (fingers crossed on that one), food check, shirts ironed check, white sequinned jump suit check.
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August 9th, 2007
I am still not up at the festival yet -but will be very shortly. So I thought I would give you a list of ideas for surviving the festival. I hope the list is excellent so it helps you (with possibly your first festival, who knows?) and also reminds me of my travel and packing arrangements . However, as this is my blog I will be simply verbalising all my thoughts like an excitable 8 year old. So what I am saying is, I have no idea if the tips will be any good or how many they will be. This is now my 20th blog and quite frankly I have stopped agonising over my incorrect use of the semi colon, hellfire man, can’t you see I am working against the clock.
Anyway here there are:
Try to blag VIP tickets for the lounges so you can rub shoulders with the stars. Oh yes stars love their shoulders being rubbed , although Nicholas Parsons hates having his chin tickled.
Always carry water - Edinburgh is very dehydrating - it must be all that sunshine.
Forget style - take your most comfortable shoes for walking - you will thank me. You can get taxis (and there are many) but if you have a good map and/or know the short cuts it is actually quicker to get where you need to be walking. Don’t forget Edinburgh works on two levels - I mean exactly that - and not that kids laugh at different parts to adults.
I don’t know whether they will be there this year, but in past years there have been a group of incredibly fit and stupidly optimistic “pedal rickshaw” cyclists. That is right, you and your loved one (or wife) sit in the back and this beefcake pedals you up the hills. I don’t think they were there last year, maybe the novelty has worn off. I often think people pursue a business simply because they come up with a great name for that business - I am almost sure that is what happened with wait for it……. “chariots of hire” - fabulous isn’t it?
Why do you want to climb Arthur’s Seat? Edinburgh not hilly enough for you?
Take a very light weight rucksack - you don’t have to wear it back to front this isn’t London. In it, place clothing for all four seasons - the weather can snap as quickly as Nicholas Parsons having his chin tickled. If you are a Geordie ignore that last tip - one tee shirt is fine.
Try something you wouldn’t normally do (Good advice for Edinburgh maybe not so good advice in Amsterdam).
Book your show tickets in good time.
Accommodation is the big problem in town - this year I doubt (even if you wanted to stay at the prestigious hotels and had spare arms and legs to throw at the problem of cost) you would get a room. Guest houses further out should be ok but best to book early.
Pace yourself.
This blog took 37 minutes I think this is a personal best - unless I faff around and tidy it up - damn this O.C.D.
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August 8th, 2007
Well first of all thank you, if you did read yesterday’s “catch up” bit of nonsense. The title was “Nothing” (a big clue there, I think) so I assume your expectations of a great blog were fairly low anyway. You may have guessed from yesterday that I am not a fan of Eastenders - if you watch such shows, what are you doing with your life? - it is bad enough you are reading this. No, you should be outside playing sport in the fresh air or at least bowling on your new Wii with the patio door open.
You are probably wondering if this daily blog is helping me in anyway come up with new material for my act. Oh by the way, I will get around to reading your emails and posting them on the blog page - I just have to find out how to do that (I will probably do it tonight after Corrie - argh got you). So is the blog helping, or is it, my best ever excuse for not exercising early in the morning? Well, it does make me look at life, in order to come up with something to say in the blog . So I am constantly more aware of the minutiae of life - that’s right, the insignificant things which are quite rightly overlooked by normal people with jobs.
Let me see if I can give you an example. The other day I noticed a sign on the A19 which read “tractors slow down”. I thought, don’t tell them that - I think that is what is holding us up now. I would not use it as material, but it is making me think a different way (yes a life threateningly different way I grant you). A bit like the sign “slow children ahead” outside a special school (rub it in why don’t you)*. I also play around with ideas which are so politically incorrect I could never use - such as: 1977 lots of bullying - only one fat kid in the class, the year 2007 no bullying etc
I am even starting to notice good things (which probably have no comedy value at all). For example, I was in the Woodall services’ toilets - they were incredibly clean and they had a plethora of hand driers (the powerful type, not like the “need a towel after 3 minutes of drying” pathetic ones) . They have only won an award - they had an “Egon Ronay style” certificate stating “Loo of the Year”, then in small print - valid until 31st December 2006. They had not slipped in their standards as I assume they did not want to be beaten by that Tibshelf bunch and were striving to be on the “Roll of honour” for 2007 (like I said probably no comedy value at all).
These blogs take me one hour to do - they are always over 500 words. If there are any English Teachers out there, without showing you the maths here (you will just have to believe me) it would take a year to write a novel. Ok, so my novel would be reviewed as very clunky unless I was able to pull together 365 story endings in a “pulp fiction” coming together kind of a way (that isn’t going to happen by the way). But it is food for thought for you, unless you are too busy watching Eastenders.
*credit to Jimmy Carr
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August 7th, 2007
I have to be honest with you, I am writing this on the Thursday as I am now well behind with the “daily blog“. Anyway, I am doing my best to catch up - I am just going to have to write everything that is in my head now. Surely not the stuff about the hot one from the Pussy Cat Dolls and Danni Minogue - yes Don you need the word count.
This is ridiculous, there must be a quicker way - like speaking into a tape recorder then typing it out. That is right, I do have a digital camera with a setting for voice record and audio playback (oh yes, I read every page of that instructional manual - God I do have a woman’s brain, what is happening to me?). So here goes - well as soon as I have charged up the batteries - so in two hours time I will be flying through the blogs like something which flies superbly (oh I haven’t time to think of an analogy and just look at the extra words I am getting by being a bit thick).
Ok the batteries are charged and I’ve recorded today’s blog and I am ready to go, pause button off
- Well I had told you that Sunday was my day off so maybe I should tell you what I did. (pause) Yes that would be good (cough). I am aware I don’t actually have to write down everything I have on the audio playback but just explaining that, has given me extra words (who is the idiot now - you are still reading this aren’t you?).
I had wanted to relax in our manageable garden - I think that is how the estate agent had described our very small garden. You couldn’t play tennis in it but you may be able to play swing ball if you shortened the string and did not mind grazing the fence occasionally. As I said I would have liked to have relaxed in the sun (what with the summer now officially underway) and catch up on my sleep. As I have mentioned, I love to travel and to perform. The performance side is never tiring as there is no limit to my crowd pleasing idiocy, however, the travelling is unbelievably tiring and those Eastern European waitresses aren’t going to flirt with themselves (stop trying to picture that, Really!).
Anyway on Sunday we decided to get some exercise - I was told I needed some. So we went off on our bikes, cross country. We stopped to take in the view. It was a clear day and you could see all the way down to the Yorkshire coast and all the way up to Northumberland’s great beaches. It was like the aerial shots you get on the BBC programme “Coast” (I like such programmes and happy the BBC spend my money on them - I will even watch Griff Rhys Jones climb mountains for no reason - much better than the miserable sarcasm driven conversations in Eastenders with its non-aspirational / advertising teenage pregnancies, plot lines). I don’t think non-aspirational is a word - I get bitter and really bad at grammar when I am trying to catch up these blogs.
So there I was trying my best to recover from tiredness and getting lots of exercise - excellent training for Edinburgh next week.
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August 6th, 2007
Yesterday was Sunday and I decided to have a day off. I had got back from my weekend in Birmingham at 2:30am on Sunday morning. It would have been earlier, only I was held up in the city centre. It was a very interesting traffic jam as it went through the party area of Birmingham. Chairs and tables were out on the street in a café culture type of way (not because there was a fight inside).
I do like to see people enjoying themselves. There was a group of “Hens” blowing whistles and wearing pink cowboy hats. Some of the ladies looked like the ones in that awful Eastenders’ advert on the BBC. Surely, these ladies didn’t just look at this tawdry trailer for the flagging soap and say “that is good enough for us - we shall all go dressed as Cockney Slappers”. Come on girls make some effort, last month I was in Newquay and the “groom to be” had been made to carry a 10 foot inflatable cock (with quite impressive detailing down the side) around with him. I laughed as the bouncers let the stag party in, however they insisted the massive synthetic member must stay outside the club. I overheard one of the Stags say “What if someone steals it?” He hadn’t really thought that one through.
Talking of Stags, I feel honoured to have been asked to go on an extended Stag weekend in Magaluf for my very good friend Michael Murray (a top bloke and great inventor of magic effects). I can’t go unfortunately, as I have bookings I can’t get out of - shame really as I was hoping to convert them all to radio 4 and vegetarian restaurants. They are all going dressed as Superheros - probably best I don’t go, as the last time I pretended to have powers that I didn’t really have, it did not work out so well (see mugging anniversary blog).
In my time I have witnessed the evolution of “The Stag”. In 1975 the groom would have two drinks the night before his wedding day (three drinks if he was marrying the wrong woman). However by 1977 it was de rigueur to get absolutely hammered. This behaviour did not even achieve £250 for the groom when he collapsed at the altar (video cameras were still to be financially viable). In 1979 a law was introduced stating all stag parties must take place at least one week before the wedding day. Again this did not last long - many wedding photos from the early 80’s were ruined due to black eyes and bandages (not to mention the hairstyles and Magnum* moustaches) and in 1982 talk of broken hands changed the way we planned stag nights forever. Now the Stag weekend or week should take place at least one month before - thus allowing for “fight with the best man” injuries to heal. Some settle for three months before the wedding, as some “Nee body spills my pint” injuries can take longer to repair. In 1999 the law clearly stated Amsterdam or Europe and must involve at least two generations of Stags. This is quite obviously disturbing and wrong.
*Tom Selleck not the ice cream
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