Don Moses Comedy & Magic Blog - A light hearted look at life, comedy and magic.

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July 26th, 2007

Kaiser Indian

What was yesterday’s Blog all about? Am I really having a go at the very same media I will have to court and shmooze when I start to get noticed. And isn’t it ironic that I considered informing the press (and TV) last month about the fact that a large part of my stage act is now redundant due to the indoor cigarette ban which also applies to stage performances. (I don’t smoke myself – apparently this month that activity is for people who like standing in the rain). Anyway, did I come running and screaming out from my bushel with my “life is ruined” story? – NO I forgot, but that is not the point (Note to self – hire a PR company). God I am such an idiot – it is silly season and they would have loved that story. No I shall simply work harder at my craft and the media can dance to it’s own tune. I imagine their tune to be an irritating easy to hum piece of nonsense e.g. the birdie song (ask your Dad). Oh there I go again, stop me now. But you know what I mean don’t you. After all, people aren’t going up to Ricky Gervais and saying – we hated the office and extras but loved it when you fought Anthea Turner’s Husband.

I guess what I am saying is, if I was in a band – oh I don’t know lets say the Kaiser Chiefs, I would like to write all their songs yet not be the lead vocalist or even stand at the front in videos. I would have the great satisfaction of making people happy whilst receiving critical acclaim from my peers – oh and a shed load of money – although money is not important but I assume it comes with the job – if it doesn’t I’m off to join the Arctic Monkeys -you can stick your Kaiser Chiefs, I preferred you when you went by your initials and don’t think the Sunshine Band have forgiven you either (again, ask your Dad).

So to change the subject I am off to Edinburgh for parts of August – I will keep you informed on the progress of my leg muscles as I walk between venues – Edinburgh is designed like that surreal painting of all the stairs going up, yet defying logic. Watch out for me taking a few days off from the blog and passing the responsibility on to fellow stand up comedians (some will be off the Telly). There I go ago with the “they must be better, because they are on telly” attitude.

While we are back on the subject, I think Sean Lock summed it up ten years ago when he said “He would still like to be a little bit shit so as not to be too popular”. Of course Sean went on to be one of the very best comedians in the world. Yet if you ask the general public if they know Sean Lock or Jade Goody. Both have been allowed to display their true potential via the media but only one can be happy with their position in the world.

July 25th, 2007

Floods

Headline “Paris released from prison sparks UK Floods”.

The trouble with Britain today is, there is a terrible Blame culture. And I want to know, who’s fault this is. I do actually know who’s fault it is of course, I just wanted to start today’s Blog with that really weak joke. It is of course the fault of the lazy “Paris Hilton obsessed and catering to the lowest common denominator” media. I am surprised the media have not come up with the following during the floods of June and July:

Is it just me or was the weather better under Tony Blair? Britain has switched from the reign of Tony Blair to the rain of Gordon Brown etc.

Whether you like Tony or not (I am not a big fan), you have to agree that towards the end of his rule he was being blamed for events which he was clearly not guilty of. The media were obviously running out of genuine reasons to have a go at Blair. For example the TV News chased him for 3 days back in January, asking for his comments on the leaked video phone pictures of Saddam Hussein’s hanging. Obviously he would say it was undignified. What did the press expect him to say ? – did they expect Tony to say “Well it was a bit boring, how about we make it more “you’ve been framed” – next time, instead of hanging, how about, trampoline and ceiling fan – what do you think?”. I suppose we knew it was coming to the end of his term when in February the BBC covered a story asking Blair to apologise for the (wait for it) ….Slave Trade. And this from the most respected TV company in the world. Yes, in other countries, the TV stations are badly editing documentaries to make important figures seem moody and also faking the winners to competitions on children’s programmes. We laugh at your silly countries with your corrupt ways.

Anyway, back to the weather. Is it Global Warming,? Of course it is. We will not accept it though. The problem is, we started too weakly with the warnings in the early days. In the 1990’s it was called “The Greenhouse Effect”, that scared nobody (and confused people who only read the headline and then started asking how many greenhouses Tony Blair had). Now we have switched to the amber alert of the words “Global Warning”. Well, “global” sounds like it is everybody’s fault and so not specifically ours and when we mention the word “warming” in Britain, all people think of is, “Corr what a scorcher, Emma 23, enjoys ice cream on the beach at Bournemouth”. So that is not an incentive for us to limit our carbon footprint, as Emma also points out that the Labour promise of 2004 was to spend on flood defence systems in high risk areas, and as she clearly states, this has not come to fruition.

They say we should learn from history so haven’t we learnt anything from the cigarette warnings which also started too weakly in the 1970’s with warnings on the side of packets stating “smoking may give you a slight cough” up to the present day warnings of “Are you all idiots?- we told you SMOKING KILLS – now go outside you disgust me”. I think the majority of the people in Britain would only consider changing their ways, if Emma 23 (with ice cream melting) announces on Page 3 “Run the Universe is on fire”. Although most people would double check to see if it was true by reading Paris Hilton’s views on the subject in Heat magazine with its catchy headline of “Universe is hot but not as hot as our August issue”.

July 24th, 2007

Gym Work

Today, I am back at the gym (it is really a club but that always sounds too American). I am here trying to live up to my New Year’s Resolution of exercising every day and also because the café here is a good place for me to work on scripts. I love silence but I also like the challenge of filtering out ambient noise whilst still feeling included in the community. I really can’t multi task so this works well for me.

Two large ladies walk past and I say hello and smile. I do like to smile and chat with people at the gym – not on the Underground in London though, I am not a nutter. I remember going to London once and announcing on the tube that we don’t have coloured people in our village – I am not a racist, I was 11 and had only ever seen The Black and White Minstrel Show (ask your Dad).

The gym have installed a new flat screen TV just outside of the children’s play area showing the children playing in the soft play area in real time – I assume this is so the parents can check on their little precious whilst still enjoying the café culture of the gym. It looks like a very bad episode of Big Brother (or a normal one, come to think of it): I consider telling this lame observation to the bar staff, but think better of it.

The large ladies turn out to be a couple of new members (I knew they were, as they announced it in conversation with the bar staff). One of them uses too many words to order coffee – one of those long rambling “Starbucks induced” monologues – more than 3 words to describe your beverage is unforgivable. I sit back down with my adequate yet unadventurous “pot of tea”.

The café is quite full with people of all ages – some have been exercising, some just there for lunch. The ladies (in my opinion) order too much food, wildly over-estimating how many calories have been burnt off in their first training session (let us hope it wasn’t the water aerobics class!).

Needing to go to the toilet I have to work out, whether I should just leave all my equipment at the table or ask someone to guard it. In London of course you would stand at the urinal with all your worldly possessions strapped around you like a pack horse. But this is Sunderland – should I assume an implied honesty of club members not to nick my stuff: or do I show all these nice people that I don’t like the look of them by asking only the most honest looking person around to guard my kit (this being her reward for looking trustworthy). I take my chances and leave everything.

The toilet door has the symbol of a man on it. It is not the normal stick man symbol though – no, someone at the sign design factory has decided to drag the perfectly recognisable symbol of the stick man into the 21st Century and so more befitting of 60% of our population. This was the symbol of an obese person. If you haven’t seen these new signs imagine a ginger bread man, now stand on the middle of this ginger bread man thus flattening the middle region and there is this symbol – I look at the ladies sign it is even bigger (probably because of the dress) – I wonder what our new members will think.

July 23rd, 2007

Water Aerobics

Thank you if you read yesterday’s official start to my Daily Blog. Where did all that come from, Eh? I got a bit carried away with over 700 words. Just think of it as a new TV programme which starts with a double episode, then settles to a shorter format for the series.

In my Blog I will give you details of where I am sitting when writing these daily bits. Today for example I am at my gym in Sunderland. I hate gyms but this one has eight indoor tennis courts. Surely only a reincarnated hamster would use a treadmill. No, I play tennis, chasing a ball like the reincarnated idiot dog that I am, we laugh at those stupid hamsters. I would use the outdoor swimming pool but apparently throwing sticks in the water is deemed as horseplay.

We all have to do something to stay in shape I guess, but to me the water aerobics takes the biscuit (and most probably a little bit of cake for the ladies after they have finished their strenuous workout).

If you have not seen it, it is basically women talking to each other in the swimming baths.

You are in a pool
SWIM
Is that too obvious?

After all, swimming uses every muscle in the human body. Strange isn’t it, this is one of those facts we all repeat without worrying if it is actually true. But don’t we have hundreds of facial muscles? Just a minute, when you are doing breast stroke (head above the water obviously) and someone splashes you, don’t you contort your face like Tom Cruise when he had that practical joke played on him with the timeless classic of water from pretend microphone. If you watch the video of Tom Cruise his natural reaction is to laugh immediately it is only afterwards he realises he may have been made to look a nob. It is only when he got offended that we thought he was a nob – best to go with your first reaction Tom. Anyway what I am saying is don’t try to mess with the “swimming uses every muscle in the human body” rule. God I do get sidetracked don’t I?

But water aerobics! I don’t think it will work. Their motto appears to be No Pain – that is pretty much it.

And because they are a certain age, they are supposed to consult a doctor first.

Like doctors are not busy enough, without these ladies bursting into surgeries saying, “Sure these people in the waiting room are ill, doctor, but I am thinking of moving from side to side in water, what do you think?”

Swimming baths there is your clue
It isn’t called “Swaying to the music of K.C. and the Sunshine Band” pool.
Some of these ladies are so unfit
They are doing YMCA in lower case
To me – It would only be exercise if you did it in the deep end.
Back on track, 500 words exactly.

July 22nd, 2007

God

Today I am starting my very first real Blog. Pretty cool, eh? Of course, you do realise I have no idea what a “Blog” is. Well, more accurately, I don’t know the origins of the word, Blog. Wwaaiit a minute -What am I talking about? I could easily check that word out now, by using the brilliant search engine “Google” (not “Ask Jeeves” , as I am sure Ask Jeeves will eventually be the “Betamax of the Internet”). Oh! so that’s what Blog means; it is short for the word “weblog” – what clever nts.

That Google is great isn’t it, but I do have a problem with the Google search box. I find the Google search box to be a bit of a “stool pigeon”. You start putting in B for Blog and all sorts of previous searches drop down (a Venetian blind of shame in some households where the computer is shared – I have been told, obviously).

So, you are probably wondering, is there a God? I thought I would start with the easy topics first, then move on to whether the death penalty should be reintroduced for litter offences.

If there is a God, what kind of God do you think He / She / Cowell is?

My guess is a He. God is obviously a man – all the major religions have gone with this, and even though the level of multi-tasking required by God could only be done by a woman I am still going with the bloke God – sorry, Bloke God.

I think God would be massively impressed with the way the world has turned out. Think about it, we have communities living together in harmony with every thing from hospitals to social workers. Money is given to people who can’t work for one reason or another e.g. the ill -the infirm – the Jeremy Kyle audience. Have you seen the Jeremy Kyle show? – if you haven’t seen it, it is a daytime TV programme for people who think “Trisha” is a bit too classy. If you haven’t heard of Trisha – you most probably have a job. The teenage girls are the best on the JK show – they walk onto the stage as if getting pregnant at the age of 13 is the equivalent of splitting the atom – nobody should walk that confidently, not even Bill Gates at a school reunion. Focus Don, the topic remember. Oh yes, I think God would be very happy with the way things have turned out – I mean, when was the last time you coveted an oxen? Never – He has got to like that.

I suppose, He could also be the type of God who is very happy that people think so highly of Him, they worship Him (not sure about the wanting to kill in His name, though). But surely, God knows that there are some followers who are only “doing His work” because He is watching them (God’s full time job is watching us 24,7 – not like that lazy bastard Santa spying on his selective age group – which in this day and age is a bit creepy). The question is: would religious people behave if God’s CCTV cameras were off or at least not well supervised – as in a Homer watching the monitors at Mr. Burn’s Nuclear plant sort of way?

Or maybe God would be impressed with a person who lives their life in a secular way i.e. living a good life but with no religion. He could not get upset with that approach; surely this would ease His work load considerably. You would still be welcome to Heaven because of your good behaviour – you might have to fight it out in the Playoffs with the God botherers who let themselves down by doing a few bad things – like that bishop who got hammered.

I’d love to be bright enough to understand the concept of the soul or the even trickier (and in my opinion, logistically confusing) after-life. But really, if my wife had to explain the movie “fight club” to me three times before I got it, that Brad Pitt was Ed Norton – then really you are asking the wrong person.

So in short, I can’t help you with today’s topic of “Is there a God and what is he like?” – What am I talking about? Lets’ look it up on Google – I hear Wikipedia is also good.

Well that was my first Blog – sorry if I spoilt the end of Fight Club for you – but you should have really seen it by now.

July 21st, 2007

Welcome to my Blog

My web manager has told me I really should be writing a Blog! Obviously, I said NO – since I am no longer 15 and recruiting for new friends.

But he is right – this is exactly what I should be doing i.e. writing every day – not the bit about recruiting new friends.

In January I wrote a long list of New Year’s Resolutions: with enough Resolutions for me and possibly four clones of me living in a 36 hour day. Two of the things on the list were exercise every day (you don’t need to be told, how well that one is going, surely) and writing 500 words every day (that is a boat load of one liners or at least one long rambling story with a belter of a punch line).

Well I have written a lot of comedy this year and road tested it all on stages at corporate functions and clubs around the country: so in reality I should not be too hard on myself. But I haven’t written everyday, as some days it is difficult to get started. So maybe this Blog will be the answer to getting me in the mood for writing. It has got to be an improvement on my usual prelude of trying to balance my pencil case on top of my paper weight: after all, footballers warm up before coming on the pitch and verbally abusing the referees. I have even heard that Fergie starts with just one stick of chewing gum half an hour before kick off.

So it is decided I will write a blog of 500 words everyday (yes everyday) and you can be my witness. This Blog will hopefully act as my fillip to continue writing more material for a couple of hours after I have finished it.

How difficult can it be? I mean, just explaining my motivation for writing this Blog has taken 322 words – so it should be a doddle. Even labouring the point like I am doing now with this quite unnecessary last sentence has taken me up to a staggering 352 words.


Don performs as a wedding magician, corporate entertainer, and after dinner speaker at events throughout the country. London Magician, Manchester Magician, Liverpool Magician, Birmingham Magician, Newcastle Upon Tyne Magician, Magician Surrey, Edinburgh Magician, Oxford Magician, Bristol Magician, Magician Milton Keynes, Leicester Magician, Leeds Magician, Magician Kent.